This morning I went in and looked in the girls room. They both love to sleep in and are pretty grumpy when you wake them up. I just let them sleep as long as I can on weekends. I quietly opened their door and just watched them sleep. Such peace comes into my heart to watch these 2 sisters. They think it is creepy that I watch them sleep but I can't help myself. They look so peaceful, like 2 beautiful angels.
My boys are early risers and are up usually by 6am and in the family room playing video games. This is their quiet time just to do nothing. I try to keep the house quiet until about 10am on weekends. None of us are happy when the girls get woken up too early. It takes a while for them to be able to communicate easily after they wake up.
I almost missed this. It has taken 19 years to have my kids together. Will it be another 19 years before we have Owen with us too? Will his heart turn to his mother's like Allysa's has? Will he feel the tug of his family? Will he want his heritage, his ancestors, his family? I wish I could have a glimpse into the future.
Owen and me
My first grandson one day old.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Family pictures and the craziness
Saturday my mother-in-law wanted family pictures taken professionally. She had planned this about 2 weeks in advance. My brother-in-law and his girlfriend were coming up from Southern California for the weekend. We haven't had pictures taken s a family in 5 years. The kids have grown and changed plus Allysa and E(brother-in-law's girlfriend) were not in the last pictures. It was time for new pictures. We only had to coordinate 14 people's schedules.
Last Thursday night my mother-in-law hadn't been able to get a hold of the photographer she wanted to use. I went to the mall and made an appointment at the photo studio. I made the appointment for 7pm. Allysa was working all day from 9am to 4pm. I knew the very earliest she could be home, showered, and ready for pictures was 6pm. I told my mother-in-law about Allysa's schedule and the time she would be available.
Friday M (my mother-in-law) finally gets a hold of her photographer. The photographer is available only at 4:30 and 5:30. Obviously that wouldn't work. I tried to tell M that it wouldn't work, Jer tried talking to her. The response we got was well Allysa can just hurry. Since she has been working for 7 hours she should already look good for pictures. I'm frustrated as hell. I got to tell Allysa about the time change. She is not close to happy. She told me to take the pictures without her (Damn she is so much like her mom). I refuse to have family pictures without her. After 19 years of never having family pictures with all of my children I was not about to let this happen again.
I go back and try to explain to M and she very nicely (because she really is sweet) just says well we can take them at 5:45, I'm sure Allysa can be available by then. I felt like I was hitting my head against a brick wall. Was anybody listening? 6pm is the very earliest Allysa would be available, not 5:30 or 5:45.
M also decided that everyone should wear white shirts. White stains easy, we do not own many white items of clothing. Saturday about noon we went shopping because Cassie had absolutely no white shirts. By this time Allysa and I had text back and forth and she had no idea how she was going to get there 15 minutes earlier Let alone 30 minutes earlier than she expected. I was stuck in the middle between my daughter and M.
And in this all I found out that my brother in law and E were not informed of us having family pictures until they arrived the night before. Of course they did not pack any white shirts. The lack of communication was making for one long day.
Allysa realized that the only thing she could eat at the family meal after we took pictures was beans and rice. My in-laws planned a nice tamale dinner but Allysa couldn't eat any of it. She was freaking out about that too. She just wanted to be able to eat what everyone else had. She was tired of her allergies and M cooking for everyone but her. Tamales are great but when you sit there and smell them and know you can't eat them it really sucks. I made a vegan tamale pie that was big enough for everyone to have and Allysa wouldn't feel totally left out. But I didn't know about Allysa's feelings about dinner until about 5pm. I had to quickly find a good recipe and start cooking before pictures and try not to get dirty. Did I say that I am supposed to cook this on the stove but all of the burners were being used? Let's add one more thing onto my stress level.
The photographer shows up early!!!! Shoot me now seriously, just get me out of this chaos. She showed up about 5:10 ready to take pictures. We decided on the 2 locations to take pictures at the house and each family went individually and then we were to do the group shot last.
Allysa busted ass and made it by 5:45. She was stressed, PMS-ing, in a foul mood but she was there. We took the pictures quickly and then did the finishing touches for tamale dinner.
Jer's aunt shows up for dinner. Allysa does not get a long very well with her. Allysa is open, wild, loud, and says things before she thinks (just like her mom.) Jer's aunt is very conservative and her feathers are easily ruffled. Having Jer's aunt there just about put Allysa's emotions over the edge. After the first time Allysa and this aunt met Jer got a phone call from this aunt about Allysa being inappropriate.
Allysa, her boyfriend, and her siblings decided to eat outside. It was cold and dark but they decided they didn't want to deal with anyone. By this point I was so tired and drained emotionally I couldn't eat and just went upstairs to lay down and cry. I couldn't handle making peace with everyone. I was tired of making excuses and to soothe every one's emotions. I had spent 2 days trying to deal and cope with everyone and make everyone at peace. I couldn't handle sitting down and making small talk at that moment. It was just easier to be alone.
The next day I found out from Allysa that part of the reason she was so upset was because Owen couldn't be in the picture. Oh how I love the blessings of adoption. It always adds another element to our everyday life.
Last Thursday night my mother-in-law hadn't been able to get a hold of the photographer she wanted to use. I went to the mall and made an appointment at the photo studio. I made the appointment for 7pm. Allysa was working all day from 9am to 4pm. I knew the very earliest she could be home, showered, and ready for pictures was 6pm. I told my mother-in-law about Allysa's schedule and the time she would be available.
Friday M (my mother-in-law) finally gets a hold of her photographer. The photographer is available only at 4:30 and 5:30. Obviously that wouldn't work. I tried to tell M that it wouldn't work, Jer tried talking to her. The response we got was well Allysa can just hurry. Since she has been working for 7 hours she should already look good for pictures. I'm frustrated as hell. I got to tell Allysa about the time change. She is not close to happy. She told me to take the pictures without her (Damn she is so much like her mom). I refuse to have family pictures without her. After 19 years of never having family pictures with all of my children I was not about to let this happen again.
I go back and try to explain to M and she very nicely (because she really is sweet) just says well we can take them at 5:45, I'm sure Allysa can be available by then. I felt like I was hitting my head against a brick wall. Was anybody listening? 6pm is the very earliest Allysa would be available, not 5:30 or 5:45.
M also decided that everyone should wear white shirts. White stains easy, we do not own many white items of clothing. Saturday about noon we went shopping because Cassie had absolutely no white shirts. By this time Allysa and I had text back and forth and she had no idea how she was going to get there 15 minutes earlier Let alone 30 minutes earlier than she expected. I was stuck in the middle between my daughter and M.
And in this all I found out that my brother in law and E were not informed of us having family pictures until they arrived the night before. Of course they did not pack any white shirts. The lack of communication was making for one long day.
Allysa realized that the only thing she could eat at the family meal after we took pictures was beans and rice. My in-laws planned a nice tamale dinner but Allysa couldn't eat any of it. She was freaking out about that too. She just wanted to be able to eat what everyone else had. She was tired of her allergies and M cooking for everyone but her. Tamales are great but when you sit there and smell them and know you can't eat them it really sucks. I made a vegan tamale pie that was big enough for everyone to have and Allysa wouldn't feel totally left out. But I didn't know about Allysa's feelings about dinner until about 5pm. I had to quickly find a good recipe and start cooking before pictures and try not to get dirty. Did I say that I am supposed to cook this on the stove but all of the burners were being used? Let's add one more thing onto my stress level.
The photographer shows up early!!!! Shoot me now seriously, just get me out of this chaos. She showed up about 5:10 ready to take pictures. We decided on the 2 locations to take pictures at the house and each family went individually and then we were to do the group shot last.
Allysa busted ass and made it by 5:45. She was stressed, PMS-ing, in a foul mood but she was there. We took the pictures quickly and then did the finishing touches for tamale dinner.
Jer's aunt shows up for dinner. Allysa does not get a long very well with her. Allysa is open, wild, loud, and says things before she thinks (just like her mom.) Jer's aunt is very conservative and her feathers are easily ruffled. Having Jer's aunt there just about put Allysa's emotions over the edge. After the first time Allysa and this aunt met Jer got a phone call from this aunt about Allysa being inappropriate.
Allysa, her boyfriend, and her siblings decided to eat outside. It was cold and dark but they decided they didn't want to deal with anyone. By this point I was so tired and drained emotionally I couldn't eat and just went upstairs to lay down and cry. I couldn't handle making peace with everyone. I was tired of making excuses and to soothe every one's emotions. I had spent 2 days trying to deal and cope with everyone and make everyone at peace. I couldn't handle sitting down and making small talk at that moment. It was just easier to be alone.
The next day I found out from Allysa that part of the reason she was so upset was because Owen couldn't be in the picture. Oh how I love the blessings of adoption. It always adds another element to our everyday life.
Was/IS adopted
4. Adoption is an event that happened in a child’s life when the child joined his or her family. Using positive adoption language, notice use of verb tense. The child “was” adopted indicates that the event is past tense and already happened. To say that a child “is” adopted implies the process is still ongoing. This is not true. We would simply say, “George was adopted.”
I know I am very slow at getting these out. It is crazy how busy with life you get when you work full time and have 4 kids and everyone is running in different directions. I haven't had the time and energy to devote to my little ol' blog here.
The actual adoption did happen in the past but it is not something that goes away. My daughter and grandson are adopted out of my family. They are currently not listed as related to me or each other. The adoption of both of them is still on going. The issues of adoption still affect my daughter. As Owen grows older the issues of adoption might affect him too. Each of them will always be adopted into their families where they were raised.
I know I am very slow at getting these out. It is crazy how busy with life you get when you work full time and have 4 kids and everyone is running in different directions. I haven't had the time and energy to devote to my little ol' blog here.
The actual adoption did happen in the past but it is not something that goes away. My daughter and grandson are adopted out of my family. They are currently not listed as related to me or each other. The adoption of both of them is still on going. The issues of adoption still affect my daughter. As Owen grows older the issues of adoption might affect him too. Each of them will always be adopted into their families where they were raised.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Own Child
3. Adoptive families do not refer to their own children as an adopted child, a natural child, or my own child (meaning biological or by birth). All children in families are the parent’s own children.
Overall I agree with this statement. I know everyone is shocked, right. I think adoption should be talked about in adoptive families very openly. Children should understand their story and it should be talked about with them from the beginning. Children should have adults that they can go to that they trust that they can talk to. These adults should be someone other than their parents. Adoptees feelings should always be acknowledged. I just don't like the word "own" in general when referring to children. I own my car, my house, my clothes, I just do not own my children.
Adoption should never be portrayed as you are less than because we adopted you or you are special and chosen because we adopted you. When you are out in public or with others it should never be pointed out this is my kid and that one we adopted. It should simply be these are my children.
People that have only known me for the last 2 or 3 years know I have 4 kids. I do not go into detail. I do not say but I gave up my oldest daughter. I have 4 kids, period, the end, no explanation necessary. People that have known me for 15 years (especially people I am not close with) only knew that I had 3 kids and now they know about Allysa and our story.
A few weeks ago I was in mixed company. I was at my husband's work picnic. He works for his families business. I was there sitting and talking with my husband's aunts and a few of my husbands coworkers and their spouses. Of course my husband's aunts know about both Allysa and Owen. I was not ready to go in the long explanation of our story with relative strangers/my husband's coworkers. This one person asked, "How many kids do you have?" At first I was slightly uncomfortable because of the aunts being there and knowing I had 4 kids but only raised 3 of them. Would they be upset with me for not being completely honest? For not acknowledging Allysa's other parents? Allysa wasn't around so I didn't have to acknowledge her, she would never find out what I had told these people. But in my soul I can't NOT acknowledge all 4 of my children. I just said I have 4 kids, 2 boys and 2 girls, and then their ages.
I think it should always be up to the child/adoptee to be the one to initialize the conversation with people about their adoption. We as parents do not need to put there adoption status out there for the world to know. We need to protect our children from the ugliness of the world. The judgement of people about adopted children.
Overall I agree with this statement. I know everyone is shocked, right. I think adoption should be talked about in adoptive families very openly. Children should understand their story and it should be talked about with them from the beginning. Children should have adults that they can go to that they trust that they can talk to. These adults should be someone other than their parents. Adoptees feelings should always be acknowledged. I just don't like the word "own" in general when referring to children. I own my car, my house, my clothes, I just do not own my children.
Adoption should never be portrayed as you are less than because we adopted you or you are special and chosen because we adopted you. When you are out in public or with others it should never be pointed out this is my kid and that one we adopted. It should simply be these are my children.
People that have only known me for the last 2 or 3 years know I have 4 kids. I do not go into detail. I do not say but I gave up my oldest daughter. I have 4 kids, period, the end, no explanation necessary. People that have known me for 15 years (especially people I am not close with) only knew that I had 3 kids and now they know about Allysa and our story.
A few weeks ago I was in mixed company. I was at my husband's work picnic. He works for his families business. I was there sitting and talking with my husband's aunts and a few of my husbands coworkers and their spouses. Of course my husband's aunts know about both Allysa and Owen. I was not ready to go in the long explanation of our story with relative strangers/my husband's coworkers. This one person asked, "How many kids do you have?" At first I was slightly uncomfortable because of the aunts being there and knowing I had 4 kids but only raised 3 of them. Would they be upset with me for not being completely honest? For not acknowledging Allysa's other parents? Allysa wasn't around so I didn't have to acknowledge her, she would never find out what I had told these people. But in my soul I can't NOT acknowledge all 4 of my children. I just said I have 4 kids, 2 boys and 2 girls, and then their ages.
I think it should always be up to the child/adoptee to be the one to initialize the conversation with people about their adoption. We as parents do not need to put there adoption status out there for the world to know. We need to protect our children from the ugliness of the world. The judgement of people about adopted children.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Natural/biological/birth
We often hear biological parents of children referred to as the “natural” parents. This negatively implies that there is something unnatural about being an adoptive parent. Biological parents should simply be referred to as biological parents.
Personally I don't like to use any thing to distinguish me as mom. I only use natural or adoptive on my blog to distinguish between the two sets of parents. I can not fathom how natural=unnatural and birth mother does not equal death mother.
In our society we allow each culture and race to be called as they wish. It is only in adoption that we as mothers that gave up our children are told by others with the power (adoptive parents and agencies) what we should be called. What is respectful to them. What about us? What about what we want to be called. I can not stand to see the word "BM". When you write down those 2 letters are you referring to bowel movement or to a person?
Personally I don't like to use any thing to distinguish me as mom. I only use natural or adoptive on my blog to distinguish between the two sets of parents. I can not fathom how natural=unnatural and birth mother does not equal death mother.
In our society we allow each culture and race to be called as they wish. It is only in adoption that we as mothers that gave up our children are told by others with the power (adoptive parents and agencies) what we should be called. What is respectful to them. What about us? What about what we want to be called. I can not stand to see the word "BM". When you write down those 2 letters are you referring to bowel movement or to a person?
WRA - my thoughts
My daughter was sent to West Ridge Academy. Was she rebellious? Absolutely. Was she anymore rebellious than either me or my siblings? Not really. What was the problem then? She was raised by parents that were/are not wired the same way as she is. They think differently, act differently, and come to different conclusions on life. She was always less than (or at least she felt) in their eyes. There are numerous occasions where things were done for her sister (also adopted into the family) but not for her. Her sister would go to the doctors if she was not feeling very well but Allysa would hurt hr knee horribly to the point she couldn't walk for days and wasn't taken to the doctor for months. By the time she went to the doctor the damage was done and can't be reversed. She still has problems with her knee because of the lack of immediate care.
Emotionally Allysa wasn't really cared for either. Having all of those things piled up and being adopted made for a train wreck. Allysa's parents took her to counseling but only went to counselors who would agree with them. When there was a counselor who disagreed with them and stood up for Allysa they stopped going. Parenting is about their needs and their wants. They expected their (adopted) child to be just like them including their heritage. When Allysa wasn't calm or mellow enough they would put her on prescription drugs for ADD. She does not have ADD she just has lots of energy just like her siblings, her mom, her cousins, her aunts, and uncles.
When they could not deal with her any longer they found a reform school that could. Of course they have a beautiful website. Are they really going to say we will break your child emotionally and spiritually? Are they going to say we will do things to your children that you could be called on by CPS? After all you are paying $40K to put your child in the school you hope it will help. And it is in Utah ran by people that are LDS, it must be great. Have you noticed that most reform schools are in Utah/Arizona/Nevada? Places that have a lot of land and are harder for people to escape from?
I have hiked with my children a lot. I always tell them how far we are going, where we are staring and ending, and how much food and water to bring. I would never just say we are hiking now, let's go. As humans we need to know if we are going on a 1 mile hike or 25 mile hike. We need to know how long to expect to be gone. And will the one canteen of water really be enough. At WRA they are not always told any of the basic information when they go for a hike. It has only been recently that Allysa could even start to just enjoy hiking.
As a parent I want/need to know where are my children, who are they with, and how are they doing at all times. To leave my child for anywhere for 2 weeks to 3 months without contact would be insane. My raised children I have never even left with a babysitter that was not family. The longest I have ever been away from them is 3 days.
My daughter has told me stories of how if you are deemed as misbehaving you can be pushed down to the ground by adults. You will come up with scratched hands, knees, and bloody noses. as a parent am I allowed to do that to my children? No, I could have CPS called on me if my husband and I took any of our children and pushed them to the ground hard enough to cause bleeding.
You also have other teenagers that will try to cause trouble with you because they don't like you. Think of high school 24-7 with all drama and no breaks for months on end. From what I could tell about this reform school kids learn to lie better and cover up their feelings. It does not heal them. It does make it so parents have 1 to 2 years off of raising their teenage child.
I have also seen that a lot of adoptees are put into this school. Many become pregnant while they are not married within 2 years of graduating from WRA. A lot of these same teenagers/now mothers "make an adoption plan".
Knowing these things, is this the loving school that is advertised? Would you put your child at a reform school? Most importantly would you want to be sent to one of these schools?
Emotionally Allysa wasn't really cared for either. Having all of those things piled up and being adopted made for a train wreck. Allysa's parents took her to counseling but only went to counselors who would agree with them. When there was a counselor who disagreed with them and stood up for Allysa they stopped going. Parenting is about their needs and their wants. They expected their (adopted) child to be just like them including their heritage. When Allysa wasn't calm or mellow enough they would put her on prescription drugs for ADD. She does not have ADD she just has lots of energy just like her siblings, her mom, her cousins, her aunts, and uncles.
When they could not deal with her any longer they found a reform school that could. Of course they have a beautiful website. Are they really going to say we will break your child emotionally and spiritually? Are they going to say we will do things to your children that you could be called on by CPS? After all you are paying $40K to put your child in the school you hope it will help. And it is in Utah ran by people that are LDS, it must be great. Have you noticed that most reform schools are in Utah/Arizona/Nevada? Places that have a lot of land and are harder for people to escape from?
I have hiked with my children a lot. I always tell them how far we are going, where we are staring and ending, and how much food and water to bring. I would never just say we are hiking now, let's go. As humans we need to know if we are going on a 1 mile hike or 25 mile hike. We need to know how long to expect to be gone. And will the one canteen of water really be enough. At WRA they are not always told any of the basic information when they go for a hike. It has only been recently that Allysa could even start to just enjoy hiking.
As a parent I want/need to know where are my children, who are they with, and how are they doing at all times. To leave my child for anywhere for 2 weeks to 3 months without contact would be insane. My raised children I have never even left with a babysitter that was not family. The longest I have ever been away from them is 3 days.
My daughter has told me stories of how if you are deemed as misbehaving you can be pushed down to the ground by adults. You will come up with scratched hands, knees, and bloody noses. as a parent am I allowed to do that to my children? No, I could have CPS called on me if my husband and I took any of our children and pushed them to the ground hard enough to cause bleeding.
You also have other teenagers that will try to cause trouble with you because they don't like you. Think of high school 24-7 with all drama and no breaks for months on end. From what I could tell about this reform school kids learn to lie better and cover up their feelings. It does not heal them. It does make it so parents have 1 to 2 years off of raising their teenage child.
I have also seen that a lot of adoptees are put into this school. Many become pregnant while they are not married within 2 years of graduating from WRA. A lot of these same teenagers/now mothers "make an adoption plan".
Knowing these things, is this the loving school that is advertised? Would you put your child at a reform school? Most importantly would you want to be sent to one of these schools?
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Adoptive parents=Real Parents
Positive Adoption Language #1. The adoptive parents are the “real” parents. The real parents are the grown-ups who will take care of the child every day and for the rest of their lives. When referring to who gave birth to the child, simply say birth parent or birth woman. A biological father is not referred to as the real father, but the biological one
I am assuming that positive adoption language is used to build up one side and tear apart the other. PAL is used for the the parents that purchase the child, the agencies real customers.
Real parents huh? Here I was thinking that adoptees had 4 very real parents. Are any of them imaginary? If they are living breathing humans than they are very real. My daughter has 5 very real parents. The two that raised her, the two that created her, and the one that loves her because she is my daughter, part of our family, and a beautiful person. (Jeremy if you are reading this that is about you).
Adoptive parents take care of their children for the rest of their lives. It is nice to know that adoptees never grow up and continue to be taken care of. does that include diapering and bottle feeding until they die?
My daughter's adoptive parents gave guardianship of her to a West Ridge Academy when she was about 15 years old. They gave up the parenting responsibilities. I wonder should the caregivers at WRA be considered parents also? If a child is raised with nannies and care givers than those people should be considered real parents also.
I am assuming that positive adoption language is used to build up one side and tear apart the other. PAL is used for the the parents that purchase the child, the agencies real customers.
Real parents huh? Here I was thinking that adoptees had 4 very real parents. Are any of them imaginary? If they are living breathing humans than they are very real. My daughter has 5 very real parents. The two that raised her, the two that created her, and the one that loves her because she is my daughter, part of our family, and a beautiful person. (Jeremy if you are reading this that is about you).
Adoptive parents take care of their children for the rest of their lives. It is nice to know that adoptees never grow up and continue to be taken care of. does that include diapering and bottle feeding until they die?
My daughter's adoptive parents gave guardianship of her to a West Ridge Academy when she was about 15 years old. They gave up the parenting responsibilities. I wonder should the caregivers at WRA be considered parents also? If a child is raised with nannies and care givers than those people should be considered real parents also.
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