As I start to write this it is 9:30 at night on November second Cassie is laying beside me alternatively snuggling and then pushing me away. She at first was talking about what she would do if she won the lottery. Lil Cassie was saying that she would give her sister Alyssa monthly plane tickets to fly out and see us. That way as long as Alyssa wants to live in Utah she can, but we could still see her a lot too.
Cassie said she knows it will be important for Owen to get to know Alyssa, his mom, but we want to see her too. And then Cassie started crying. With Cassie being 12 her emotions are a little overwhelming for her. So she would allow me to hold her but then she would push me away after a few minutes too. I know part of her is still angry with me for placing her sister for adoption. Yes she has told me that even. I do think the best thing is just to let her talk it out without judgement from me. I don't have a right to defend myself because then I am telling her that her feelings aren't important. I want all my kids to know that their feelings are important even if I don't agree with them.
Owen and me
My first grandson one day old.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
November 3rd post #2
I just read one of my dad's face book status., "Just when the caterpillar thought it was the end of the world .... it turned into a butterfly." Absolutely describes how I am feeling. I love you daddy even if you don't know about this little blog of mine.
Last night I had another sleepless night worried about my kids, my grandson and how the one simple decision that I had made 18 years ago has affected all of them on such a deep level. How many more generations will it affect? Yes I am hard on myself for that decision all of the what ifs and should have knowns go through my head. I have felt so alone for so many years. On the outside I have always been the strong one. I have always been the one to laugh and tease about everything. I always take jokes way too far and nothing is off limits. As my sister Shana always says, "Jeannette's the crazy one" but I always say Shana is the crazy one, duh we are alot alike. I have always figured if you can't joke about it you can't talk about it. The only thing that I can't joke about is losing my daughter to adoption. Yes I have had a very hard time talking about the loss of my daughter in person. I will give the facts if pushed but never the depth of emotion behind it. I won't allow anyone to see me break and cry.
As I have written down my feelings here and read others blogs, writings, and books that have the same feelings on adoption I am starting to feel as if I can fully grieve. Grieve the loss of what should have been, grieve the loss of my family, grieve the loss of my parenting. I feel as if I'm not alone. Wow 18 years of everyone "trying" to understand, I have now found people that really truly understand. What a gift that is. I gift I hope to give another someday, very soon.
What I have always found interesting is I know alot of people in real life that are adopted or have adopted but not one natural mom in my group of friends or acquaintances. Really so it takes 2 people for each person created right, well last time I checked but let me go watch the video again from 5th grade health class. Sorry had to say that - see my bad sense of humor comes out again. But as a whole we are too scared to admit to anyone in our real life our role in the triad? Seems like a lot of us have a long way to go in this process.
Another thought running through my head. I wonder if LDSFS would ever allow a birth mom panel that had even one natural mom that is for family preservation? One natural mom that will tell about the heartache of adoption that doesn't go away? One natural mom that would tell others how hard it is to even get their children's OBC? One natural mom that will talk about how semi/open adoptions can close? One natural mom that has stopped believing what she has been told by them? How can you have a birth mom panel without all of the views? Adoption is not always about love, it's about being scared and feeling like you have no other options. Does it make LDSFS proud to have "open" adoptions but no way to legally keep them opened? In 2010 we still have to fight for family preservation, how ridiculous is that?
BTW - To my friends I have gained through blog land thank you for your understanding and encouragement. Some days just reading my words,well what I feel, but written by someone else is a huge help.
Last night I had another sleepless night worried about my kids, my grandson and how the one simple decision that I had made 18 years ago has affected all of them on such a deep level. How many more generations will it affect? Yes I am hard on myself for that decision all of the what ifs and should have knowns go through my head. I have felt so alone for so many years. On the outside I have always been the strong one. I have always been the one to laugh and tease about everything. I always take jokes way too far and nothing is off limits. As my sister Shana always says, "Jeannette's the crazy one" but I always say Shana is the crazy one, duh we are alot alike. I have always figured if you can't joke about it you can't talk about it. The only thing that I can't joke about is losing my daughter to adoption. Yes I have had a very hard time talking about the loss of my daughter in person. I will give the facts if pushed but never the depth of emotion behind it. I won't allow anyone to see me break and cry.
As I have written down my feelings here and read others blogs, writings, and books that have the same feelings on adoption I am starting to feel as if I can fully grieve. Grieve the loss of what should have been, grieve the loss of my family, grieve the loss of my parenting. I feel as if I'm not alone. Wow 18 years of everyone "trying" to understand, I have now found people that really truly understand. What a gift that is. I gift I hope to give another someday, very soon.
What I have always found interesting is I know alot of people in real life that are adopted or have adopted but not one natural mom in my group of friends or acquaintances. Really so it takes 2 people for each person created right, well last time I checked but let me go watch the video again from 5th grade health class. Sorry had to say that - see my bad sense of humor comes out again. But as a whole we are too scared to admit to anyone in our real life our role in the triad? Seems like a lot of us have a long way to go in this process.
Another thought running through my head. I wonder if LDSFS would ever allow a birth mom panel that had even one natural mom that is for family preservation? One natural mom that will tell about the heartache of adoption that doesn't go away? One natural mom that would tell others how hard it is to even get their children's OBC? One natural mom that will talk about how semi/open adoptions can close? One natural mom that has stopped believing what she has been told by them? How can you have a birth mom panel without all of the views? Adoption is not always about love, it's about being scared and feeling like you have no other options. Does it make LDSFS proud to have "open" adoptions but no way to legally keep them opened? In 2010 we still have to fight for family preservation, how ridiculous is that?
BTW - To my friends I have gained through blog land thank you for your understanding and encouragement. Some days just reading my words,well what I feel, but written by someone else is a huge help.
November 3 - Saying good bye to Owen
Over the last 18 years I have held my emotions together very well. I have able to have a 17 year marriage, I have been raising 3 amazing kids. And I am over half way through with Alex teenage years without any problems from him. We will see what the other 2 kids bring me. I have been a stay at home mom and have also worked full time during different times of my children's lives. I have volunteered and continue to volunteer at my kids school even though I work full time. I have maintained long term friendships. I have been relief society secretary at my church while also being a den leader and helping my husband do his cub master duties. I am the person that everyone comes to with their problems, I should have been a counselor.
I had closed off my heart and the heart ache of adoption. Even my husband rarely saw me cry about it. That is what you are supposed to do right? You are supposed to show the world you are healthy, happy, and you have moved on. As Alyssa and I reunited my emotions slowly came out. I couldn't cover up the wounds in my heart and fully let her in.
When Alyssa had Owen on Wednesday the 28th I stayed at the hospital until she was moved out of L&D room and into the recovery room. When I got back to my mom's house that night I broke and I broke hard. I couldn't fall asleep until almost 2am. This was after sleeping only about an hour the night before and driving from California to Utah. I only slept until about 6am. I knew what my oldest was going through and it killed part of my heart all over again. Alyssa told me she wanted her 48 hours to be with Owen as much as possible. She wanted to be his mom and not see any other woman try to take her place
She only had 48 hours before she had to sign the relinquishment papers. Only 48 hours to be Owens mom and she didn't want to be bothered with too many people. Alyssa told me that she is only allowing certain people to see her and everyone is only allowed 1 hour. My time period was 11am to noon. My husband and I got there right on time and I got to hold Owen for the first time. Owen was the tiniest baby I had held and he had a bunch of tubes and machines monitoring him. I sat and talked with my daughter. We connected like we never have. I knew exactly what she was feeling, scared, heartache, fear, and loss. She hated the hats they had at the hospital for Owen so I offered to find a preemie hat that would fit his tiny head.
It took almost 2 hours to find 2 hats that were preemie sized. I brought them back to her and had my husband wait in the waiting area. I didn't want to interrupt her alone time with her son. When I pulled back the curtain of the area she was sitting at in the NICU Alyssa was holding her son and crying. While I was gone Alyssa's Amom and the social worker came to talk to Alyssa. I guess they upset her and she yelled at both of them to leave. It wasn't the time they were allowed to be there by her schedule.
I held my daughter and let her cry. I tried to be strong for her, but I couldn't watch her cry and hold her son and not cry also. After a little while Alyssa needed to go back to her room and she asked me to leave. I kissed my girl good bye. I knew this was the last time I would see her be just a mom not a natural mom.
We text each other a few times that night and asked me not to come by on Friday. She knew she would be released from the hospital on Friday and she also had to sign the papers. Thursday night I went for a long walk with my husband at my mom's house. I think we walked for about 4 miles. It calmed me enough so I could be there for my other kids too. While I was out walking my dad sent me a text saying how much he loved and cared about me. Soon as I got back to his house I told him I wasn't sure if I should hug him or hit him. I had almost calmed down when he sent that and it got me crying again. I fell asleep around 2 am again. I woke up by 6am but didn't sleep well at all.
Friday I stayed around the Logan area. My aunt was selling her house and my mom wanted me to say hi to her. What better time to make small talk with my aunt who I usually only see once a year then when I am losing my grandson to adoption. But you know what natural mom's are used to doing? Putting our heart ache aside and making other people comfortable. That is exactly what I did for two hours, just make small talk.
We spent the rest of the day in town and I cried several times on both of my parents shoulders. They hadn't seen me cry like this since I placed Alyssa. I told them how angry I was with adoption, how I hated it, how unfair it was to all of my kids, and how I hated how unfair Utah's adoption laws were.
I had been texting Alyssa all day and she wasn't responding. I was scared and worried about her. I had told her to get a signed agreement for adoption that both LDSFS social worker signed and both A parents sign. She had turned off her phone and didn't see my text until that night. She finally responded and let me know she was going on a mini trip the next day to Southern California for a week with her boyfriend. She couldn't deal with even being in the same state while her baby was in the NICU, and she had signed away her rights. So she did the only thing she could do, she ran. Ran away from the heartache.
Owen's Amom sent me a message on face book letting me know what my daughter was doing the next day. Again I fell asleep in the wee hours and woke a few hours later. My heart was crushed when I woke up. I couldn't bear crying on anyone elses shoulders. I didn't want anyone feeling sorry for me. I was angry, sad, and just hurt. The wound that I had taken 18 years to slowly close up reopened with a vengeance. I quickly got ready for the day and left my parents house out the back door without telling anyone I was going for a walk. I just needed to be alone. I needed to just cry but I was hoping a walk would clear my mind. I had left around 7:30am and about 8:30 I sent my husband a text saying I'm on a walk leave me alone. I walked about another 30 minutes when I sent him another text. I told him I just couldn't tell my parents good bye. I asked him to get the kids ready and just pick me up. We had to leave for California, there was nothing left in Utah for me.
Around 9:30 or 10:30 and walking 6 or more miles Jeremy picked me up. Walking always clears my mind but it did nothing for me this time.
We started driving and Jer asked if i wanted to see Owen if that would help. I had Owen's Amom phone number but I couldn't call her. I didn't want to hear that I couldn't see Owen. Jer made the phone call and left a message. A little while later his Amom called back. She would allow Jer and I to see Owen.
We went to see him around 12:30 or 1:00. I told Owen that I loved him. His Amom told me Owen could call me grandma instead of auntie like she originally suggested just 2 days previous. She has said that the adoption will always stay open and Owen will know all of his family.
Seeing Owen helped a little but I hated saying good bye. One more good bye that shouldn't happen. One more woman that is able to parent but she isn't good enough to because of her marital status. Why is it that we give needy couples babies? Shouldn't adoptions be about needy babies needing families when all else fails with their natural families?
It's very late and I am tired I hope this all makes sense.
BTW - The above picture is the last time I had seen Owen in the hospital, when his Amom allowed us to say good bye.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Nov 2 - How I told my kept children about their older sister
When Alyssa was 9 I was still getting yearly letters from her A parents. I had not told Alex, Kenny and Cassie who were 7, 5. and 3 that they had an older sister. Honestly I was just scared. I knew I had to tell them but how? They deserved the truth. I didn't want another day to go by that they didn't know about her. I have never been ashamed of Alyssa. But how do you tell your kids that you love unconditionally that you allowed total strangers to raise their sister. I would never leave my children with strangers for even a few hours but I have allowed strangers to raise my daughter? How do you even explain that?
I couldn't imagine my raised kids waiting until Alyssa was 21 and then tell them about her, either. I wanted them to know that I wouldn't lie to them about anything. I am not that good at keeping secrets and neither is my family. I wanted them to hear the truth from me and no one else. So I sat them down on my bed and I was terrified. No one ever told me when or how to tell my other kids. I was even told by my counselor the only one that really needs to know is my doctor. Hmmm my kids and husband don't really need to know? But the agency was an advocate of keeping the adoption even from my siblings.
Since they were so little I had to tell them on their level. I sat down with them and told them I needed talk to them about something very important. They can ask any questions they wanted to. I had to stay strong and not cry in front of them. I didn't want to scare them. I told them when I was about 16 years old I had a baby girl named Alyssa, that is now 9 years old. She lives with another family. I then asked if they wanted to see the pictures I had from her. I have a bunch of pictures from when she was born and I got a couple dozen pictures until she was about 4ish but after that all of the pictures stopped. I told them they could look at the photo album as long as they wanted and whenever they wanted.
There weren't many questions that night, but there has been alot as they have got older. I have always tried to be strong in front of them and only give them the positive aspects of adoption. I didn't need to put my spin on it. They needed to make their own decisions without my opinions.
When Alyssa hit 12 and we didn't get a letter from her or her parents and my raised kids wondered why, I had no answers for them. As her 13th and 14th birthday passed and we didn't get anything I was at a loss to explain it. I honestly knew something was wrong with Alyssa from the time she hit 13, I just didn't know how to tell anyone. How can you say, My daughter that I haven't seen since she was a week old I feel like something is wrong with her. Hmmm, it sounds sort of crazy doesn't it. But as her natural mom I just felt like something wasn't right.
Once Alyssa hit 15 we started exchanging letters. It was at this point as we got to know her through non-identifying information in letters. Alot more questions came from my other kids. For a while we exchanged letters every few months and then she asked if we could exchange letters weekly. After abandoning my daughter to strangers how could I tell her no? Plus I really wanted as much contact as possible.
My raised kids had questions I couldn't answer that started me questioning closed adoption. They wondered what they had done so wrong that they couldn't have contact with their sister. What was her new name that her Aparents changed it to. What were her Aparents name? How did I know that their sister was really safe and happy? Sometimes they just cried themselves to sleep in my arms because they just wanted to meet her, talk with her on the phone, and just have a normal relationship. How many 10, 12, and 14 year olds do you know that cry them selves to sleep just because they want their family complete? They are the innocent victims in adoption.
I still wonder why no one ever told me how adoption could affect my future chidren.
I couldn't imagine my raised kids waiting until Alyssa was 21 and then tell them about her, either. I wanted them to know that I wouldn't lie to them about anything. I am not that good at keeping secrets and neither is my family. I wanted them to hear the truth from me and no one else. So I sat them down on my bed and I was terrified. No one ever told me when or how to tell my other kids. I was even told by my counselor the only one that really needs to know is my doctor. Hmmm my kids and husband don't really need to know? But the agency was an advocate of keeping the adoption even from my siblings.
Since they were so little I had to tell them on their level. I sat down with them and told them I needed talk to them about something very important. They can ask any questions they wanted to. I had to stay strong and not cry in front of them. I didn't want to scare them. I told them when I was about 16 years old I had a baby girl named Alyssa, that is now 9 years old. She lives with another family. I then asked if they wanted to see the pictures I had from her. I have a bunch of pictures from when she was born and I got a couple dozen pictures until she was about 4ish but after that all of the pictures stopped. I told them they could look at the photo album as long as they wanted and whenever they wanted.
There weren't many questions that night, but there has been alot as they have got older. I have always tried to be strong in front of them and only give them the positive aspects of adoption. I didn't need to put my spin on it. They needed to make their own decisions without my opinions.
When Alyssa hit 12 and we didn't get a letter from her or her parents and my raised kids wondered why, I had no answers for them. As her 13th and 14th birthday passed and we didn't get anything I was at a loss to explain it. I honestly knew something was wrong with Alyssa from the time she hit 13, I just didn't know how to tell anyone. How can you say, My daughter that I haven't seen since she was a week old I feel like something is wrong with her. Hmmm, it sounds sort of crazy doesn't it. But as her natural mom I just felt like something wasn't right.
Once Alyssa hit 15 we started exchanging letters. It was at this point as we got to know her through non-identifying information in letters. Alot more questions came from my other kids. For a while we exchanged letters every few months and then she asked if we could exchange letters weekly. After abandoning my daughter to strangers how could I tell her no? Plus I really wanted as much contact as possible.
My raised kids had questions I couldn't answer that started me questioning closed adoption. They wondered what they had done so wrong that they couldn't have contact with their sister. What was her new name that her Aparents changed it to. What were her Aparents name? How did I know that their sister was really safe and happy? Sometimes they just cried themselves to sleep in my arms because they just wanted to meet her, talk with her on the phone, and just have a normal relationship. How many 10, 12, and 14 year olds do you know that cry them selves to sleep just because they want their family complete? They are the innocent victims in adoption.
I still wonder why no one ever told me how adoption could affect my future chidren.
Monday, November 1, 2010
November 1
Let me tell you what I think should change in adoptions. We do have good and bad in adoption. First of all adoption is a billion dollar industry, we have to understand that. Agencies need to bring in "babies" to sell to their clients. Yes agencies are involved with buying and selling babies. We can use nicer language, adoption appropriate language but when you give money and get something in return you are buying and selling. For the most part birth parents get no money or compensation for the loss of their child but that doesn't stop agencies from selling babies for up to $30,000. Agencies have to make sure the clients feel as if they are getting a guaranteed product. So how do agencies bring in babies?
Let me tell you how LDSFS works. They are connected to the LDS church. So at church we are told that if a woman is unmarried and can not marry the father than the woman should place her child for adoption. It is the right, loving thing to do. Now if a woman is a widow and is pregnant than she should keep her baby. If a woman gets divorced she should keep her baby. They are both still single moms. She is still raising a child by herself. But the woman who has had sex outside of marriage should be punished. What better punishment than placing your child for adoption. Let's rip part of the woman's soul out. That seems fair punishment for premarital sex and being fertile.
So let me go back. When a woman finds herself pregnant out of wedlock she is urged by her parents and bishop to at least go talk to the counselors at LDSFS. What could it hurt to look into all of the options for yourself. As long as you don't look into the option of abortion, that is. So you walk into LDSFS and see a counselor, usually someone with a psychology degree. They understand that you are scared and vulnerable, they understand how to use that against you. They start talking very friendly and asking questions, get to know you, try to become your friend, try to guide you to the right path. They tell you to just look at couples. They ask you what you can provide for your child and compare that to an older married couple. The counselor refers to you as a birth mother, not a mother. Really good psychology, if you call a woman a birth mother long enough she will think of herself as one. Next the counselor tells you if you really love your child you will do the right thing. The only honorable thing, give your baby a family, a mom and a dad. Wow, didn't it take 2 people to create that child, a mom and a dad? So you aren't giving a child a mom and dad they already have that. What you are doing is ripping apart one family to create another family.
Not once will they tell you about how you can raise the child by yourself. They will give you half of the statistics of adoption. They won't tell you that adoptees have a higher suicide rate. They won't tell you that adoptees have abandonment issue, even wet from the womb adoptees. Agencies never tell you that 2% of the US is adopted but up to 80% of the kids in reform boarding schools are adoptees. Agencies also don't tell you that 20% to 40% of women that place their children do not have other children. That just the act of placing your child for adoption can cause you to become infertile, unexplained infertility. The mind works in crazy ways.
Now lets get into the laws. Who writes the laws and speak for the triad? Adoptive parents and adoption agencies. We are told the laws are put in place to protect the birth mothers. Protect the birth mothers from their own flesh and blood? If you look at the states that have open records less than 1% of birth mothers put in a "do not contact waiver". So the laws aren't protecting the more than 99% of us but the less than 1%. If any birth mother does not want contact she can either sign a waiver to not have contact or tell her own child in person that she is not ready for contact at this time. We are talking about 2 adults. Are the laws really about the mother and child or more about protecting the adoptive parent? After all the adoptive parents are the one that paid for the child and the child was supposed to be "as if born to". If the child is as if born to they shouldn't be looking for their natural parents, ever.
Immediately after my daughter signed away her parental rights she asked the LDSFS worker when can she get Owen's original birth certificate? After all the adoption isn't final for at least 6 months. The worker told Alyssa that oh yeah, most birth mothers ask for the OBC after they sign but you can only get the OBC before you sign the papers. Even better my social worker never even told me I couldn't get my daughters OBC. If the social worker knows that natural mothers might want a copy of the OBC why doesn't she tell natural mothers the process before they sign away their rights?
Next every person has a right to their OBC, there should be an adoption certificate not an amended falsified birth certificate.
No parent should sign away their parental rights while their child is still in the hospital. Every natural mother should have at least 1 full day without pressure or visits from agencies or PAP to place their child. Every natural mother needs time to be with their child alone. I think woman need at least 10 days after birth before they are allowed to sign away their rights and they should be able to have a waiting period after they sign before there rights are fully taken away.
Every woman has a right and should be encouraged to breastfeed her child in the hospital. Yes it should be encouraged even. Isn't the best thing for every child to be breastfed? Aren't we told and encouraged as women to breastfeed? The excuse is always that the natural mother will bond too much with her child. Can a woman really bond any more with her child than carrying her child for 9 months and giving birth?
Let me tell you how LDSFS works. They are connected to the LDS church. So at church we are told that if a woman is unmarried and can not marry the father than the woman should place her child for adoption. It is the right, loving thing to do. Now if a woman is a widow and is pregnant than she should keep her baby. If a woman gets divorced she should keep her baby. They are both still single moms. She is still raising a child by herself. But the woman who has had sex outside of marriage should be punished. What better punishment than placing your child for adoption. Let's rip part of the woman's soul out. That seems fair punishment for premarital sex and being fertile.
So let me go back. When a woman finds herself pregnant out of wedlock she is urged by her parents and bishop to at least go talk to the counselors at LDSFS. What could it hurt to look into all of the options for yourself. As long as you don't look into the option of abortion, that is. So you walk into LDSFS and see a counselor, usually someone with a psychology degree. They understand that you are scared and vulnerable, they understand how to use that against you. They start talking very friendly and asking questions, get to know you, try to become your friend, try to guide you to the right path. They tell you to just look at couples. They ask you what you can provide for your child and compare that to an older married couple. The counselor refers to you as a birth mother, not a mother. Really good psychology, if you call a woman a birth mother long enough she will think of herself as one. Next the counselor tells you if you really love your child you will do the right thing. The only honorable thing, give your baby a family, a mom and a dad. Wow, didn't it take 2 people to create that child, a mom and a dad? So you aren't giving a child a mom and dad they already have that. What you are doing is ripping apart one family to create another family.
Not once will they tell you about how you can raise the child by yourself. They will give you half of the statistics of adoption. They won't tell you that adoptees have a higher suicide rate. They won't tell you that adoptees have abandonment issue, even wet from the womb adoptees. Agencies never tell you that 2% of the US is adopted but up to 80% of the kids in reform boarding schools are adoptees. Agencies also don't tell you that 20% to 40% of women that place their children do not have other children. That just the act of placing your child for adoption can cause you to become infertile, unexplained infertility. The mind works in crazy ways.
Now lets get into the laws. Who writes the laws and speak for the triad? Adoptive parents and adoption agencies. We are told the laws are put in place to protect the birth mothers. Protect the birth mothers from their own flesh and blood? If you look at the states that have open records less than 1% of birth mothers put in a "do not contact waiver". So the laws aren't protecting the more than 99% of us but the less than 1%. If any birth mother does not want contact she can either sign a waiver to not have contact or tell her own child in person that she is not ready for contact at this time. We are talking about 2 adults. Are the laws really about the mother and child or more about protecting the adoptive parent? After all the adoptive parents are the one that paid for the child and the child was supposed to be "as if born to". If the child is as if born to they shouldn't be looking for their natural parents, ever.
Immediately after my daughter signed away her parental rights she asked the LDSFS worker when can she get Owen's original birth certificate? After all the adoption isn't final for at least 6 months. The worker told Alyssa that oh yeah, most birth mothers ask for the OBC after they sign but you can only get the OBC before you sign the papers. Even better my social worker never even told me I couldn't get my daughters OBC. If the social worker knows that natural mothers might want a copy of the OBC why doesn't she tell natural mothers the process before they sign away their rights?
Next every person has a right to their OBC, there should be an adoption certificate not an amended falsified birth certificate.
No parent should sign away their parental rights while their child is still in the hospital. Every natural mother should have at least 1 full day without pressure or visits from agencies or PAP to place their child. Every natural mother needs time to be with their child alone. I think woman need at least 10 days after birth before they are allowed to sign away their rights and they should be able to have a waiting period after they sign before there rights are fully taken away.
Every woman has a right and should be encouraged to breastfeed her child in the hospital. Yes it should be encouraged even. Isn't the best thing for every child to be breastfed? Aren't we told and encouraged as women to breastfeed? The excuse is always that the natural mother will bond too much with her child. Can a woman really bond any more with her child than carrying her child for 9 months and giving birth?
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Halloween
So I decided to post daily for the month of November. I figure with it being Adoption Month it would be the only time of the year we natural moms will really have a voice. We need to come together and speak out against coerced and forced adoptions. We need to protect families, and yes even a mother and child are a family.
First I have to say that Owen turned 3 months on Thursday. I know my daughter wasn't able to see Owen on his 3 month birthday but she will be seeing him this week. I still have a hard time knowing what to say to Alyssa now that she is a natural mom too. I wanted to call her up Thursday so bad to talk to her. I wanted her to know that she isn't the only one who remembered and cared. I wanted her to know that his natural grandma remembered him too. I also knew that if I mentioned him turning 3 months that it could bring her emotions to the surface and she might start crying. Since we are 800 miles apart I couldn't just hold her and let her cry. I didn't want to set her off with no one to lean on either. So what did I do? Nothing, I didn't mention it at all. I wish I could do more to help her. But what I really wish is that she didn't know this pain and heartache.
Losing a child is not something you ever get over, no other child will ever replace the one you lost to the machine of adoption. Every pregnancy you will think back to your first. Every newborn you hold will make you think of your first child. It will be hard to open your heart up fully to your husband, family, friends, and future kids. You will become super mom to your future kids to try to make up placing your first child. You will try to give your other kids everything you couldn't give to your first. You will try to prove to everyone, but especially yourself, that you would have been a great parent if just given the chance.
First I have to say that Owen turned 3 months on Thursday. I know my daughter wasn't able to see Owen on his 3 month birthday but she will be seeing him this week. I still have a hard time knowing what to say to Alyssa now that she is a natural mom too. I wanted to call her up Thursday so bad to talk to her. I wanted her to know that she isn't the only one who remembered and cared. I wanted her to know that his natural grandma remembered him too. I also knew that if I mentioned him turning 3 months that it could bring her emotions to the surface and she might start crying. Since we are 800 miles apart I couldn't just hold her and let her cry. I didn't want to set her off with no one to lean on either. So what did I do? Nothing, I didn't mention it at all. I wish I could do more to help her. But what I really wish is that she didn't know this pain and heartache.
Losing a child is not something you ever get over, no other child will ever replace the one you lost to the machine of adoption. Every pregnancy you will think back to your first. Every newborn you hold will make you think of your first child. It will be hard to open your heart up fully to your husband, family, friends, and future kids. You will become super mom to your future kids to try to make up placing your first child. You will try to give your other kids everything you couldn't give to your first. You will try to prove to everyone, but especially yourself, that you would have been a great parent if just given the chance.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Adoption facts - foster care/international/domestic
Facts I've taken from another blog post:
2% of U.S. children are adopted. About 127,000 adoptions take place each year and about 127,000 children are waiting in foster care to be adopted, however, only 15% of U.S. adoptions are through foster care. 50% of children in foster care available for adoption wait over a year; 6% wait 3-4 years.
HOWEVER
Only about 26% of non-step-parent adoptions are through foster care.....About 74% of non-step-parent adoptions are private domestic or international. 11-24% of infertile couples will seek adoption and 80% of Adoptive Parents have adopted due to infertility. 43% of all U.S. adoptions are private/domestic infant and international adoption by parents who are not-related to the family of origin (42% of all U.S. adoptions are stepparent adoptions). 90% of children adopted internationally are under the age of five.........
Only 1.2% of the demand for adoptions is able to be met each year, despite the amount of children waiting in foster care, because there are not enough of the type of children wanted for adoption (babies?) available to to be adopted.
2% of U.S. children are adopted. About 127,000 adoptions take place each year and about 127,000 children are waiting in foster care to be adopted, however, only 15% of U.S. adoptions are through foster care. 50% of children in foster care available for adoption wait over a year; 6% wait 3-4 years.
HOWEVER
Only about 26% of non-step-parent adoptions are through foster care.....About 74% of non-step-parent adoptions are private domestic or international. 11-24% of infertile couples will seek adoption and 80% of Adoptive Parents have adopted due to infertility. 43% of all U.S. adoptions are private/domestic infant and international adoption by parents who are not-related to the family of origin (42% of all U.S. adoptions are stepparent adoptions). 90% of children adopted internationally are under the age of five.........
Only 1.2% of the demand for adoptions is able to be met each year, despite the amount of children waiting in foster care, because there are not enough of the type of children wanted for adoption (babies?) available to to be adopted.
So you tell me, whose needs does adoption really meet?
According to the Adoption Institute: "A variety of factors, including increased access to contraception, the legalization of abortion and changed social attitudes about unmarried parenting, have caused the number of white infants placed for adoption in the U.S. to decline dramatically. Between 1989 and 1995, 1.7 percent of children born to never-married white women were placed for adoption, compared to 19.3 percent before 1973. Among never-married black women, relinquishment rates have ranged from .2 percent to 1.5 percent."
So when only 1.2% of the demand for adoptions in the U.S. each year can be filled because the type of children people want are not available, children in the private realm costing "donations" of an upward of $20,000 (source) PER child, and top adoption agency execs are making six figures (source, source)..... please explain to me how manipulative and misleading practices are no longer in existance in this day and age and how agencies who like to give their execs cushy salaries don't have a self-interest in being over-encouraging (to use a nice term) to a woman considered adoption, simply because they'll make money off of the fees an Adoptive Family is willing to pay.
I find it interesting that adoption in its current form is so heavily defended by claims that it provides homes for abused children and needy orphans....when clearly it isn't the "abused children and orphans" who are being sought out to be adopted when only 1.2% of the adoption demand is being filled despite thousands still languishing in foster care--26% of which are actually adopted. What do the abused children have to do with anything when you're proof reading the "Dear Birthmother/incubator" letter you're planning on presenting to a pregnant woman?
According to the Adoption Institute: "A variety of factors, including increased access to contraception, the legalization of abortion and changed social attitudes about unmarried parenting, have caused the number of white infants placed for adoption in the U.S. to decline dramatically. Between 1989 and 1995, 1.7 percent of children born to never-married white women were placed for adoption, compared to 19.3 percent before 1973. Among never-married black women, relinquishment rates have ranged from .2 percent to 1.5 percent."
So when only 1.2% of the demand for adoptions in the U.S. each year can be filled because the type of children people want are not available, children in the private realm costing "donations" of an upward of $20,000 (source) PER child, and top adoption agency execs are making six figures (source, source)..... please explain to me how manipulative and misleading practices are no longer in existance in this day and age and how agencies who like to give their execs cushy salaries don't have a self-interest in being over-encouraging (to use a nice term) to a woman considered adoption, simply because they'll make money off of the fees an Adoptive Family is willing to pay.
I find it interesting that adoption in its current form is so heavily defended by claims that it provides homes for abused children and needy orphans....when clearly it isn't the "abused children and orphans" who are being sought out to be adopted when only 1.2% of the adoption demand is being filled despite thousands still languishing in foster care--26% of which are actually adopted. What do the abused children have to do with anything when you're proof reading the "Dear Birthmother/incubator" letter you're planning on presenting to a pregnant woman?
“Regrettably, in many cases, the emphasis has changed from the desire to provide a needy child with a home, to that of providing a needy parent with a child. As a result, a whole industry has grown, generating millions of dollars of revenues each year . . .” --United Nations, Commission on Human Rights, 2003.
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