November 3rd post #2

I just read one of my dad's face book status., "Just when the caterpillar thought it was the end of the world .... it turned into a butterfly."  Absolutely describes how I am feeling.  I love you daddy even if you don't know about this little blog of mine.

Last night I had another sleepless night worried about my kids, my grandson and how the one simple decision that I had made 18 years ago has affected all of them on such a deep level.  How many more generations will it affect?  Yes I am hard on myself for that decision all of the what ifs and should have knowns go through my head.  I have felt so alone for so many years.  On the outside I have always been the strong one.  I have always been the one to laugh and tease about everything.  I always take jokes way too far and nothing is off limits. As my sister Shana always says, "Jeannette's the crazy one"  but I always say Shana is the crazy one, duh we are alot alike.    I have always figured if you can't joke about it you can't talk about it.  The only thing that I can't joke about is losing my daughter to adoption.  Yes I have had a very hard time talking about the loss of my daughter in person.  I will give the facts if pushed but never the depth of emotion behind it.  I won't allow anyone to see me break and cry.

As I have written down my feelings here and read others blogs, writings, and books that have the same feelings on adoption I am starting to feel as if I can fully grieve.  Grieve the loss of what should have been, grieve the loss of my family, grieve the loss of my parenting. I feel as if I'm not alone.  Wow 18 years of everyone "trying" to understand, I have now found people that really truly understand.  What a gift that is.  I gift I hope to give another someday, very soon. 

What I have always found interesting is I know alot of people in real life that are adopted or have adopted but not one natural mom in my group of friends or acquaintances.  Really so it takes 2 people for each person created right, well last time I checked but let me go watch the video again from 5th grade health class.  Sorry had to say that - see my bad sense of humor comes out again.  But as a whole we are too scared to admit to anyone in our real life our role in the triad?  Seems like a lot of us have a long way to go in this process.

Another thought running through my head.  I wonder if LDSFS would ever allow a birth mom panel that had even one natural mom that is for family preservation?  One natural mom that will tell about the heartache of adoption that doesn't go away?  One natural mom that would tell others how hard it is to even get their children's OBC?  One natural mom that will talk about how semi/open adoptions can close? One natural mom that has stopped believing what she has been told by them?  How can you have a birth mom panel without all of the views?  Adoption is not always about love, it's about being scared and feeling like you have no other options.   Does it make LDSFS proud to have "open" adoptions but no way to legally keep them opened?  In 2010 we still have to fight for family preservation, how ridiculous is that? 

BTW - To my friends I have gained through blog land thank you for your understanding and encouragement.  Some days just reading my words,well what I feel, but written by someone else is a huge help.