I'm doing 2 posts today. I forgot to post one yesterday. But this first post is the conversation my 12 year old daughter and I had.
This morning the news mentioned Jaycee Dugard missing for close to 18 years. I looked at Cassie and said wow can you imagine your child being kidnapped for 18 years? She said, Yeah mom I can, look at Alyssa. She was missing from our life for 18 years. There was 4 years we didn't even know if she was alive. Most of her life we didn't know if she was happy or sad or if she even felt loved. We didn't know if she was being abused or even felt safe.
Adoption in so many ways does feel like a kidnapping. I understand that it is not the same but it feels similar.
When you place a child you don't get condolences or sympathy, you are expected to get over it, you do not get support from family and friends. If you are lucky you might have someone in your life that lets you talk about it for the first year, but after the first year you really should be over the loss of adoption, or so says society. There is no support and people pretend it never happened. In all respects you are expected to move on and just get over the loss of adoption. It doesn't happen for the natural moms or adoptees we will never be over the loss of each other.
Good bye November Adoption Be-wareness month is over. I will still be blogging but I'm not so sure about daily blogging. I will continue blogging for natural mothers but most importantly for adoptees that have lost their families, their origins, for adoptees that feel alone and abandoned.
Jeannette
Owen and me
My first grandson one day old.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
November 29- Open adoption
If you are looking to place with an open adoption there are some things you might want to think about
First what do you consider open? What does the PAP consider open? How different are your opinions? Have the PAP signed an agreement stating what they are willing to do to maintain an open adoption? That should be done before your rights are signed away.
My daughters adoption was considered open in some people's eyes because I got pictures for a few years and letters yearly. No identifying information was ever exchanged. Would you consider that opened? Is that the kind of adoption you want?
Are all visits, agreed upon? If you want to see your child weekly or monthly for the next 18 years that should be included in an agreement. If you are told that you can stop by anytime you are having a rough day and miss your child that needs to be included.
Have you been referred to as a birth mother while you are pregnant by the agency or PAP? You are NOT a "birth" mother until you sign away your rights. After you sign you are a natural mother, don't allow the agencies terms to be placed on you. PAL belittles natural mothers and their children. That is one of the way agencies convince you to place. They make you think of yourself as this child's birth mother not the mother. Once they have conquered that wall the rest is easy. If you have it in your head that you are only a "vehicle" to make someone else parents, than they have made their money. They know that you now are a very easy prey.
When you are in labor make it very clear who can see you and when while you are in the hospital. If you change your mind about when people can see you they need to respect that. Do not let an agency camp out at the hospital. If an agency representative is in your room more than once a day they should be asked by the hospital staff to leave. Agencies have been known to use the camping out method to put pressure on women to sign away their rights
Every PAP couple should be using the proper term of mother not the agency term of "birth mother". If the PAP have not spent the time and energy finding out what it is really like for a natural mother and adoptee then they have no business looking into adopting a child. The same amount of time and energy that is placed on finding a baby should be equal to the time and energy spent on really finding out what it is like to be an adoptee or first mother. Do more research than just listening to the agency and their panel. The panel is hand picked by the agency. They only tell a very small part of the whole experience.
Have the PAP promised the moon and stars? If the PAP have promised so much prebirth is it because they are desperate for a baby and will say anything? Have they taken you out to dinner and got to know you? Have they become your closest friend and confident? If you were not pregnant would they be in your life? Would they want anything to do with you if you were not pregnant and considering placing with them?
Did you know that according to Bethany Christian Adoption Agency services 80% of their open adoptions close within the first few year? Would you ever consider having a surgery with an 80% chance of death? Of course not, why would you risk at least an 80% chance of no contact with your child? Will you be okay knowing that the adoption closed? Would you be okay not knowing if your child was alive, dead, happy, sad, or abused?
Why haven't adoption agencies put in place legally binding open adoption agreements? That is simple adoption is about making money. Its a muli-billion dollar industry. The ones paying are the PAP the goal is too make adoption easier on the PAP.
I have been told that the highest rate of adoption is in Utah County. Shouldn't Utah have the best laws for the protection of mom, dad, and baby? Utah has the best laws for PAP. On top of that Utah has a society stuck in the 1950 or 1960 time period. If you are pregnant and single you are expected to place. Most of the country is okay with single parenting, but not Utah.
My daughter's good friend got pregnant this past year. She lives in Utah, and wants to single parent. She had just in the first 3 months of her pregnancy many people including at the hospital try to refer her to LDSFS. Why would a hospital even mention adoption to any woman that is considering to single parent. Isn't that a place to help people medically? They are not there to judge or give their moral opinions. Do you see why I think it is hard to single parent when you have everyone around you tell you that you can't, You are not enough, you need a ring on your finger. You really are not given a choice. I think we would all be in an uproar if the case was this girl was being coerced at the hospital and by well meaning adults to have an abortion but because it's adoption and the loving choice we are okay with it as a society.
First what do you consider open? What does the PAP consider open? How different are your opinions? Have the PAP signed an agreement stating what they are willing to do to maintain an open adoption? That should be done before your rights are signed away.
My daughters adoption was considered open in some people's eyes because I got pictures for a few years and letters yearly. No identifying information was ever exchanged. Would you consider that opened? Is that the kind of adoption you want?
Are all visits, agreed upon? If you want to see your child weekly or monthly for the next 18 years that should be included in an agreement. If you are told that you can stop by anytime you are having a rough day and miss your child that needs to be included.
Have you been referred to as a birth mother while you are pregnant by the agency or PAP? You are NOT a "birth" mother until you sign away your rights. After you sign you are a natural mother, don't allow the agencies terms to be placed on you. PAL belittles natural mothers and their children. That is one of the way agencies convince you to place. They make you think of yourself as this child's birth mother not the mother. Once they have conquered that wall the rest is easy. If you have it in your head that you are only a "vehicle" to make someone else parents, than they have made their money. They know that you now are a very easy prey.
When you are in labor make it very clear who can see you and when while you are in the hospital. If you change your mind about when people can see you they need to respect that. Do not let an agency camp out at the hospital. If an agency representative is in your room more than once a day they should be asked by the hospital staff to leave. Agencies have been known to use the camping out method to put pressure on women to sign away their rights
Every PAP couple should be using the proper term of mother not the agency term of "birth mother". If the PAP have not spent the time and energy finding out what it is really like for a natural mother and adoptee then they have no business looking into adopting a child. The same amount of time and energy that is placed on finding a baby should be equal to the time and energy spent on really finding out what it is like to be an adoptee or first mother. Do more research than just listening to the agency and their panel. The panel is hand picked by the agency. They only tell a very small part of the whole experience.
Have the PAP promised the moon and stars? If the PAP have promised so much prebirth is it because they are desperate for a baby and will say anything? Have they taken you out to dinner and got to know you? Have they become your closest friend and confident? If you were not pregnant would they be in your life? Would they want anything to do with you if you were not pregnant and considering placing with them?
Did you know that according to Bethany Christian Adoption Agency services 80% of their open adoptions close within the first few year? Would you ever consider having a surgery with an 80% chance of death? Of course not, why would you risk at least an 80% chance of no contact with your child? Will you be okay knowing that the adoption closed? Would you be okay not knowing if your child was alive, dead, happy, sad, or abused?
Why haven't adoption agencies put in place legally binding open adoption agreements? That is simple adoption is about making money. Its a muli-billion dollar industry. The ones paying are the PAP the goal is too make adoption easier on the PAP.
I have been told that the highest rate of adoption is in Utah County. Shouldn't Utah have the best laws for the protection of mom, dad, and baby? Utah has the best laws for PAP. On top of that Utah has a society stuck in the 1950 or 1960 time period. If you are pregnant and single you are expected to place. Most of the country is okay with single parenting, but not Utah.
My daughter's good friend got pregnant this past year. She lives in Utah, and wants to single parent. She had just in the first 3 months of her pregnancy many people including at the hospital try to refer her to LDSFS. Why would a hospital even mention adoption to any woman that is considering to single parent. Isn't that a place to help people medically? They are not there to judge or give their moral opinions. Do you see why I think it is hard to single parent when you have everyone around you tell you that you can't, You are not enough, you need a ring on your finger. You really are not given a choice. I think we would all be in an uproar if the case was this girl was being coerced at the hospital and by well meaning adults to have an abortion but because it's adoption and the loving choice we are okay with it as a society.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Thanksgiving weekend
We made it through Thanksgiving. We headed over to my in-laws house about 11am on Thursday. I was helping with the cooking. I made some of the best mashed potatoes I ever head. On the way over to dinner I started tearing up and then had to stop the tears from falling. I didn't want my kids to see and I didn't want anyone to worry about me. After all there isn't anyone that can change the facts. And really unless you are a natural mom or adoptee you really can't understand the pain.
I did talk to Alyssa and she got to see Owen for an hour on Thanksgiving. I know that helped her so much. Just being able to see him is a huge deal and gift to Owen and Alyssa. She took the most beautiful picture of herself and Owen. I now have that picture saved on my phone as the wallpaper. I have to admit I was a little jealous that she got to at least see Owen on Thanksgiving Day. I really hope that continues.
Thanksgiving at my in-laws is perfect and very picturesque. Every one is dressed nice and the food is beyond great. My younger sister and her friend were visiting from out of town so they joined me at my in-laws. My sister's presence just eases my heart and mind. She can understand me like few people can. Especially someone that has never placed a child for adoption. She tries to understand without making excuses about why adoption is great. She doesn't try to belittle my feelings or say I understand, but..... I hate it when I hear that but from other people.
On the way to have dessert with my family I did have a mini break down. Just too many emotions going on but I pulled it together by the time I saw my family. My family is a lot more relaxed and easy going. There are no pretenses. The meal is as just likely to end with a cake fight or civility. No my family doesn't drink they are just a bunch of silly crazy people.
On Friday was my husband and mine 17 year anniversary. We didn't do anything big to celebrate we just spent time with his family and our 3 kids. I did go shopping at 9am with my brother-in-law's girlfriend. We just did some small shopping together. It was really fun.
I think I talked to Alyssa about 4 or 5 times that day on the phone. We had a few deep conversations and just enjoyed talking to each other about our daily lives. She had told me that she missed me over the holidays too. That really made my weekend. Alyssa at times has a hard time talking about her feelings with me, I sometimes think if I ask too many questions I will push her away. As her natural mom I dosometimes a lot of times feel like I am less of a mom. Alyssa told me, "You know mom just because you didn't change my (expletive) diapers 8 times a day doesn't make you any less of my mom." Have I said that I love her so much. I could never have asked for a better daughter.
Saturday we spent the day making about 15 to 20 dozen pork and chicken tamales. Every year between Thanksgiving and the first 2 weeks of December is Tamale Saturday. We freeze them all and then have Tamale dinner on Christmas Eve with Jer's Mexican side of the family. We also make sure there is enough leftover to have for dinner several times through out the year. Even all of the kids helped out making the tamales this year.
Today we tried going back to church. We have only been 2 or 3 times since Owen was born. I couldn't make it through. It's just not something I can handle right now. And Owen is 4 months today, probably not the best day to try to go back. Not when my emotions are this close to the surface. I was able to go after I placed Alyssa but not this time. Not after living through the loss, heart ache, and splitting apart families twice.
I did talk to Alyssa and she got to see Owen for an hour on Thanksgiving. I know that helped her so much. Just being able to see him is a huge deal and gift to Owen and Alyssa. She took the most beautiful picture of herself and Owen. I now have that picture saved on my phone as the wallpaper. I have to admit I was a little jealous that she got to at least see Owen on Thanksgiving Day. I really hope that continues.
Thanksgiving at my in-laws is perfect and very picturesque. Every one is dressed nice and the food is beyond great. My younger sister and her friend were visiting from out of town so they joined me at my in-laws. My sister's presence just eases my heart and mind. She can understand me like few people can. Especially someone that has never placed a child for adoption. She tries to understand without making excuses about why adoption is great. She doesn't try to belittle my feelings or say I understand, but..... I hate it when I hear that but from other people.
On the way to have dessert with my family I did have a mini break down. Just too many emotions going on but I pulled it together by the time I saw my family. My family is a lot more relaxed and easy going. There are no pretenses. The meal is as just likely to end with a cake fight or civility. No my family doesn't drink they are just a bunch of silly crazy people.
On Friday was my husband and mine 17 year anniversary. We didn't do anything big to celebrate we just spent time with his family and our 3 kids. I did go shopping at 9am with my brother-in-law's girlfriend. We just did some small shopping together. It was really fun.
I think I talked to Alyssa about 4 or 5 times that day on the phone. We had a few deep conversations and just enjoyed talking to each other about our daily lives. She had told me that she missed me over the holidays too. That really made my weekend. Alyssa at times has a hard time talking about her feelings with me, I sometimes think if I ask too many questions I will push her away. As her natural mom I do
Saturday we spent the day making about 15 to 20 dozen pork and chicken tamales. Every year between Thanksgiving and the first 2 weeks of December is Tamale Saturday. We freeze them all and then have Tamale dinner on Christmas Eve with Jer's Mexican side of the family. We also make sure there is enough leftover to have for dinner several times through out the year. Even all of the kids helped out making the tamales this year.
Today we tried going back to church. We have only been 2 or 3 times since Owen was born. I couldn't make it through. It's just not something I can handle right now. And Owen is 4 months today, probably not the best day to try to go back. Not when my emotions are this close to the surface. I was able to go after I placed Alyssa but not this time. Not after living through the loss, heart ache, and splitting apart families twice.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
I want more
2 years ago I would have done anything to know Alyssa's adopted name. I thought if i just knew that and her Aparents name it would be enough. A little over a year ago I thought I would be fine with being able to be friends with Alyssa on face book. Once we were friends on face book I thought maybe just talking on the phone would be enough. Once we talked on the phone I thought maybe meeting in person just once would fill up the whole in my heart. Now I am saying if I could just have one holiday with my daughter that is all I want.
Today is just rough, I want more I guess. I know it is selfish to want my daughter with me when it's just as important to her Aparents that she is with them. I cried a few times today just because the pain is pretty raw today. I know I'm supposed to be thankful but I'm not feeling it.
From the adoptees I know personally it is the same for them. One of Alyssa's friends who is adopted asked me to help her find her natural mom. She said she didn't want to meet or anything just wanted to know her natural mom's name. that's all just wanted her mom's name. She now has her natural mom's name and wants more. She wants to know what her natural mom looks like. Once she knows where her mom is and what she looks like will she want a relationship with her natural mom? Will it be enough for her?
Today is just rough, I want more I guess. I know it is selfish to want my daughter with me when it's just as important to her Aparents that she is with them. I cried a few times today just because the pain is pretty raw today. I know I'm supposed to be thankful but I'm not feeling it.
From the adoptees I know personally it is the same for them. One of Alyssa's friends who is adopted asked me to help her find her natural mom. She said she didn't want to meet or anything just wanted to know her natural mom's name. that's all just wanted her mom's name. She now has her natural mom's name and wants more. She wants to know what her natural mom looks like. Once she knows where her mom is and what she looks like will she want a relationship with her natural mom? Will it be enough for her?
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
November 23
I am going to make this very short. Last night Kenny got cut on his hand at the Boy scout Court of Honor. HE is the only kid that I know that can hurt himself at a place where they are giving out awards and food. We took him to the ER and he got glued instead of stitches. He also had to get a tetanus shot. He is totally worn out today. Those shots are more painful than the cut itself.
As we were headed over to the ER after we got the bleeding reduced. I thought I should let Alyssa know what was going on. I am afraid that she feels left out of our lives since she lives so far away. I sometimes feel as if I don't include her enough in family things and let her know what is going on. Mom guilt is so much fun.
Last night I was thinking that it would have been really nice for Alyssa to be at my house since Alex and Cassie were home alone getting ready for bed. Alyssa handles Cassie so well, where as Alex being a 16year old boy has no maternal instinct.
As we were headed over to the ER after we got the bleeding reduced. I thought I should let Alyssa know what was going on. I am afraid that she feels left out of our lives since she lives so far away. I sometimes feel as if I don't include her enough in family things and let her know what is going on. Mom guilt is so much fun.
Last night I was thinking that it would have been really nice for Alyssa to be at my house since Alex and Cassie were home alone getting ready for bed. Alyssa handles Cassie so well, where as Alex being a 16year old boy has no maternal instinct.
Monday, November 22, 2010
November 22
I am a bit down today not only is Owen almost 4 months old but I have another Holiday season without all of my kids. My sisters and nieces have asked me if Alyssa is going to be joining us for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I have to tell them no not this year. I know she doesn't want to hurt her aparents. I truly do understand that plus she gets paid more to work the holidays. I know I am being absolutely selfish for wanting my daughter and grandson for the holidays, but I still want to see them. I'm tired of always putting every one's needs in front of my own when it comes to adoption and wanting time with my daughter.
I am beyond frustrated at LDSFS. A few weeks ago my daughter asked for her non-identifying and identifying information from them. She was told she could not get her identifying information. She wants proof that she has gone through the right process to get her OBC. So we started the process first with non id, then id, then last we will try to get her OBC. So she calls up her closest LDSFS in Utah. They did not ask her what state she was born in. They did not ask what state the adoption was finalized in. They just told her she was not allowed to get her identifying information. Without knowing what state she was born in and the adoption finalized in how can they tell her what she is allowed and not allowed to have. I called up my local LDSFS in California and told them what Alyssa was told in Utah. They said have her call up a LDSFS again and ask to talk to someone else. She is allowed to get her identifying information.
Last week LDSFS called up my daughter to pick up her non-identifying information. My daughter asked them how she can get her OBC. The lady at LDSFS actually told her that her original OBC gets destroyed when the adoption is finalized. Really? What kind of people work at adoption agencies? If they are misleading adoptees after they turn 18 how can we trust them as natural mothers to have our best interest at heart? My daughter who knows the facts about adoption laws is being mislead. What are they telling all of the other adoptees wanting to search?
I keep reading that very few adoptees actually search and want to know their natural families. Is that really true or is it they are given the wrong information from agencies so they won't search? This is the agency that we trusted to help us make the most difficult decision of our life and now when we have adult children they lie to them.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
November 21 - open adoption
According to our culture there is now open adoption. The kinder gentler version of adoption. What do you consider open adoption? I consider open adoption when a natural family can see the child when they ask to. The child can get to know their family. I do not consider it open if the Aparents have to check there schedule and get back to you. When my nieces or other family members want to see me I don't check my schedule and then tell them I will let them know later when we can get together. They call me and we usually get together that day or within 3 days at the most after. Why? Because I am not putting them off or avoiding them. I want to see them as soon as possible. If adoption is "the loving decision". Shouldn't it be a two way street? Should it always be the natural mother making the ultimate sacrifice? Shouldn't the Aparents put aside some of there fear and jealousy and make a sacrice too?
My daughters adoption was considered open because we exchanged letters annually through the adoption agency. We did not ever exchange identifying information, no names, address, or pictures for the first 15 years. I did receive pictures of my daughter until she was about 4. No other family members were allowed in the pictures. They did not receive pictures of me, that was against the rules according to LDSFS.
According to NCFA there should not be laws to allow natural parents to see there children. According to NCFA open adoption is okay but circumstances change after adoption and PAP should not be obligated to keep there promises to natural parents according to this article https://www.adoptioncouncil.org/images/stories/documents/461-468_PM0000_CH43.pdf
National Council for Adoption is not an advocate for natural parents or adoptees, it is an advocate for adoptive parents only. I was absolutely surprised by this article. So basically the article says if the adoptive parents change there minds about openess once the adoption is finalized then the natural family is screwed and just deal with it.
Now if something happens between myself and my kids and I want to see my grand kids I have the legal right as a grandparent unless I am deemed unfit by law. There is such a thing as grandparents right and visitation can be legally enforced. But for a child that is adopted out of the family we have no legal rights to see our flesh and blood no matter what was promised preadoption. We can be woman of the year but still deemed unfit to see our own flesh and blood by the adoptive couple.
My daughters adoption was considered open because we exchanged letters annually through the adoption agency. We did not ever exchange identifying information, no names, address, or pictures for the first 15 years. I did receive pictures of my daughter until she was about 4. No other family members were allowed in the pictures. They did not receive pictures of me, that was against the rules according to LDSFS.
According to NCFA there should not be laws to allow natural parents to see there children. According to NCFA open adoption is okay but circumstances change after adoption and PAP should not be obligated to keep there promises to natural parents according to this article https://www.adoptioncouncil.org/images/stories/documents/461-468_PM0000_CH43.pdf
National Council for Adoption is not an advocate for natural parents or adoptees, it is an advocate for adoptive parents only. I was absolutely surprised by this article. So basically the article says if the adoptive parents change there minds about openess once the adoption is finalized then the natural family is screwed and just deal with it.
Now if something happens between myself and my kids and I want to see my grand kids I have the legal right as a grandparent unless I am deemed unfit by law. There is such a thing as grandparents right and visitation can be legally enforced. But for a child that is adopted out of the family we have no legal rights to see our flesh and blood no matter what was promised preadoption. We can be woman of the year but still deemed unfit to see our own flesh and blood by the adoptive couple.
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