Nowhere Boy

My husband bought "Nowhere Boy"a few weeks ago.   I knew Allysa wanted to watch it but we had not had time to see it together.  Trying to find 2 hours where we both had the patience to watch a movie and we both had time to watch it is nearly impossible.  Allysa loves the Beetles, I could care less about them.  I grew up listening to country and 80's music.  I never cared for the Beetles at all, honestly.  My husband loves the Beetles, he was raised on that kind of music. 

I have rarely sat through a movie and not been completely restless.  This movie was so well acted and written that I had to pay attention. I actually watched it twice, I rarely watch a movie more than once.

This will be a spoiler, if you haven't seen the movie you might want to watch it first before you continue reading. 

John Lennon was raised by his aunt and uncle.  He was not formally adopted but the movie has so much to do with adoption.  As we watched the characters Allysa and I saw ourselves in them.   John's Aunt Mimi is a very strict rigid woman.  She cared more about appearances than anything else.  She loved John but did not know how to express it to him.  She was never able to be the mom he needed.  She provided him with food, clothes, money but he needed more from her.  He needed her to openly love him.

John met his mother, Julia, when he was about 15 or 16.  She was fun, carefree, and openly showed her love to him.  She showered him with kisses, hugged him, and danced with him.  She was also bipolar, which was portrayed so well in this film, she was not demonized.   Julia had 2 younger daughters with her husband Bobby.  The girls looked up to John and adored him.  Bobby loved Julia with all of his heart but he was also very protective over her.  He was afraid that John would trigger her depression.

Julia made John promise that he wouldn't tell his aunt about them meeting.  Julia taught John to play the banjo.  They listened to music and danced together.  They truly just loved each other.  Julia lived within walking distance of where John and his aunt lived.  It was easy for John to sneak over and see his mom.

After a while John started questioning himself, his role, Julia.  Why was he raised by his aunt when his mom lived so close?  How could Julia walk away from him by the time he was 5?  Where does he fit in?  He did have a lot of anger, hurt, and questions.  Honestly, who wouldn't be a bit angry? 

There is a tug of war in John's heart between his aunt that took him in, loved him, and raised him and his mom who loves him in her own way.   We find out that John's mom lost a daughter to adoption when John was a baby/toddler.  Salvation Army took the baby.  After finding that out I saw Julia in a different light.  She had lost 2 of her 4 children.  How many of us would that have driven over the edge?  How many of us would be stable emotionally after losing our first 2 children? 

The only point I really got mad at Julia is when John started to stay the night at Julia's.  He is taking over one of his sister's rooms.  Julia comes in, tucks him in, and kisses him good night.  He asks his mom "How long can I stay here?"   She doesn't answer him.  I wanted to yell and scream at her.  He just wants to know he belongs and you love him as much as your 2 youngest daughters.  Grrrr!  After this Julia goes down stairs and her husband Bobby and her fight over John.  Bobby says that the aunt needs John, john is all she has.  Julia yells at Bobby "I need John, I am his mom".  Such an emotional scene.  It was very triggering as a mom who lost her first child to adoption.

Julia wasn't your stereo typical 1950's mom.  She was a  non-conformist, she taught John that life isn't only about fitting in and doing what you're supposed to do.  She teaches him music; to play, appreciate and live music.  She teaches John to follow his own path, to do as his heart desires.  Aunt Mimi taught John about hard work and discipline.  It took both of these woman to form him into John Lennon of The Beetles.  He has his aunts discipline and his mom's love of life. 

Emotions about OBC

I was prepared for long lines yesterday and not getting any answers.  I was expecting to re-explain to a lot of people what we wanted and why we wanted it.  I wasn't expecting the emotions that it left behind.  It is not my birth certificate.  I could get mine in a few weeks and less than $20, so why am I upset.  I am pissed because I played a part in this.   I played a part in my daughter NOT being allowed her birth certificate.  How did I not think far enough ahead about how these things would affect my daughter?

I saw Allysa getting mad that she has to jump through hoops top get HER birth certificate.  How do you explain to anyone why they should not have their birth certificate?  How do you look someone in the eye and say "denied"?  I truly don't have the answers for her.  I can't understand how my state, or any state, can hold a birth certificate hostage.  Who are they protecting?  They are not protecting me, her father, or her adoptive parents.  This has nothing to do with reuniting.  This has to do with 2 things.  A) She wants her original birth certificate.  The one that shows her original name with her original parents.  B) If she can prove that she is 1/8 Cherokee and that her grandmother was a tribal member she has a greater chance of getting a scholarship.

We could put off reason A for getting her OBC but reason B we can not she needs help in getting a scholarship.  The only proof that says she is Rob's daughter is her OBC.  That is the piece of paper that connects her back to her grandmother.  When will our state realize that having access to OBC's are not about reunion or "disrupting some one's life".  It is about your own identity.  Seeing that you are biologically related to others.  It is about your family histoy. It is more than just a piece of paper.

OBC day 1

This morning we started off with the normal routine.  I got ready with the boys and brought them to school , out of the house by 6:45 and everyone dropped off by 7:30.  Allysa came with us though.  We needed to be at the court office down town by 7:30am.  The court office opens at 8am but the lines start forming early.  I was told that we would need to start with the self help court office and they would point us in the right direction.  They would let us know what papers, etc needed to be filled out. 

After finding parking for only $6 for the day we went to the end of the line.  We got into line about 7:40 but we were still about the 20th in line.  Exactly at 8am the doors opened and we went through security.  FYI  - I found out that you can not bring cameras into a court house, I did not know that.  We waited inside in line for about 30 minutes and then we were being helped. 

The lady asked what we were there for and I said, "She is adopted and wants to get her OBC because we found out she is 1/8 Cherokee Indian   We can not get death certificates for her great grandmother, or find out about her family without proof of who she really is"  Her response was I think those are sealed.  I told her yes they are and we will need a court order to unseal it but we need to know the first step.  I then told her that I am Allysa's natural mom, so the court will not be protecting her from me or visa versa.  She responded that she did not know what to do but she would see what she could do to help.  She then went on her computer for about 10 minutes to look some things up.  We were told that not many people ever come in to get help with opening their OBC.

She came back with a pamphlet and a form for us to fill out and phone numbers to call in Sacramento.  The title of the pamphlet and was "Do you want to look in an adoption file or get a copy of an Adoptee's original birth certificate."  The first line on this is How:Ask the court to let you read a confidential(secret)adoption file or get a certified copy of an adoptee's original birth certificate.  I found it interesting that the word secret was actually used.

We are filling out a form that says "request to see Adoption File and court order" after all 3 pages are filled out we send it to the Probate Clerk's Office in our county.  The next step is waiting to see if the paperwork is stamped Allowed or Not Allowed.  On the paperwork it says this can take up to a year. We are filling out the information today and sending it off by this weekend. 

We also went to LDSFS to get paperwork filled out for her to get her full adoption file.   Neither Allysa or I do very well in LDSFS.  There is something about that place that leaves us both empty and hurt.  It is just an office like any other but with pamphlets everywhere about adoption.  There is also one pamphlet for addiction.  I guess that one is for after you place and you are left empty and then turn to alcohol and drugs.  (I'm teasing on the reason why they have that pamphlet).

When we told the counselor at LDSFS that we needed Allysa's OBC and full adoption file so she can prove her heritage she asked what is an OBC.  Really, we had to tell her what an OBC stands for,  shouldn't they know adoption lingo?

The rest of the day Allysa and I have had alone just to relax.  With 6 of us living together I usually do not get alone time with any of my kids.   This sure ended up being a nicer day than planned.

OBC time

Alyssa asked me to help her get her OBC.  Tomorrow first thing in the morning we are headed down to family court to start the process.  About a year ago she had asked her adoptive parents to help her.  They said they would but nothing has been done, not even a phone call.  I understand that seeing that their daughter has a birth certificate that does not have them on it would be hard to see.  But this is not about them, it is about her and her desires.  What is so wrong with seeing and touching your original birth certificate?  Her adoptive parents did not even know she had an original birth certificate they had to have that explained to them a year ago. 

My older sister who is an attorney said it should take about 6 weeks to get her OBC.  She is a tax attorney and according to law if everything goes perfect it will take 6 weeks.  We are dealing with two different counties, one where she was born in and one where the adoption was finalized.  I have heard horror stories about others being denied their OBC.  Has anyone tried getting their OBC in California?  I am nervous, anxious, I just want this taken care of and know the complete process.

Part of the reason Alyssa wants her OBC is because she found out she is 1/8 Cherokee Indian on her dad's side.  We want to track her history, her family.  She wants the paper that shows that she really is related to these people.

Adoption hits home part 3 of the family reunion

I keep thinking should I post  this on my private blog or keep it public. This is the hardest for me to write about our family reunion.  It is about the perception of adoption through the eyes of a natural mom and an adoptive mom.  Two woman that love each other but have opposite perspectives.

 Jeremy's aunt was at the family reunion.  The one that adopted her son last February.   My views on adoption are hard to get past even for family.  I hold family to a much higher standard than I do the general public.  I do love Jeremy's aunt and uncle.  They are very loving, good, honest people, they are Alex's Godparents.  But I don't know if they will ever understand the pain of a natural mother or the pain that they can cause a child by adopting.  I do know that they love their son's family.  They do hold them in high regard, (not saint hood)  they talk highly of the mom, her family, the dad, and his family. The B terms are used which just sends nausea through out my body, though.

I can start to see how much this baby looks like his mother.  I commented to Jer's aunt (adoptive mom)  that the baby looks just like his mom (I've only seen pictures of his nmom).  For me it is hard to tell when babies look like their parents, but he is the spitting image  jof his mom.  And then I realized how that could sound offensive to her as an adoptive mom.  I apologized because I don't want to hurt her.  And she said, "Jeannette his b****mom is beautiful, I am so glad he looks like her".  

At the reunion some of the cousins were asking about the adoption of this new baby, the journey etc.  I was sitting at the table.  I couldn't look away or get up.  I was stuck there, struck still and silent.  After the story was told I got up.  Jer's aunt followed me a few minute later.  She said, I know that what I said might have hurt you, I'm sorry.  There is nothing wrong with her story, per say.  To everyone else it is a gift, a miracle.  To me knowing what adoption loss is, it hurts.  She was aware enough to realize that it caused me pain.  That to me said a lot about her and her maybe she will be open enough to realize later that adoption could cause her son pain.

We had talked about the written open adoption agreement compared to what she is doing.  The agreement is for written updates and pictures but she is building relationships with her son's family.  They can come over any time but a phone call is wanted first.  She wants her son to know all of his family.  All of her son's family lives locally, so having alot of visits isn't unheard of. She actually welcomes them. She even wants her son's dad to have visits and he will be out of jail in a few months.  An adoptive mom that is going above and beyond what is promised is amazing to me.  I'm so used to the opposite where adoptive parents promise the world but then do not follow through.  We talked about how the general public does not understand open adoption and how important it will be for her son as he gets older.  She understood that part.  Adoption is not all about her, but her son also.  I often see that adoptive parents promise open adoption and visits but the families live hundreds or even thousands of miles apart.  It is easy to have an "open adoption with visits " when there is no chance of running into each other at the grocery store, library, park, or mall.  When the adoptive and natural families live within 30 miles of each other and you keep it open with full relationships that is much harder.  I consider a full relationship is when the natural extended family is welcomed over just as much as the child's extended adoptive family.

Adoption hits home part 2 of the family reunion

Alyssa was supposed to go with us to the family reunion but work got in the way so she stayed home.  The family reunion was two and a half hours away.  We were supposed to be there by noon but showed up at 12:30.  As I was getting ready I was freaking out in my head.  This was supposed to be the first time all of Jer's extended family met Allysa.  It wasn't until last year that most of them even knew about her.  I was worried about their judgement.  What they thought of me now.  The worst scenarios were going through my head as I was getting ready.  Everything I have heard, read, and been told about "b-moms" was racing in my head.  You know, you are a slut, a whore, you couldn't keep your legs closed, thank god someone else would raise your child, you have never been good enough.  I was thinking these people that I consider family do they think this way of me too?  Have they said these things behind my back?  I made sure on the outside I looked my best.  I did my hair, make up, made sure I looked totally pulled together.  Even if I didn't feel confident I wanted to look like I was secure in myself.  I really wanted Allysa to go with us but I did understand that work always comes first.

As soon as we got to the reunion we started saying hi to everyone and a few of Jer's aunts asked me where was my daughter.  They were not referring to Cassie!!!  One even said, "I forgot what was her name".  There was no judgement or why didn't I tell them earlier or judgement on me for placing her.  They were excited to finally meet my daughter.  My worry was for nothing.  They wanted to meet and get to know her.

Adoption hits home - part 1 of the family reunion

Yesterday (September 10) we had a family reunion.  The first one we had in about 5 years.  It was for my husband's grandmother's side (Gran).  Gran had an identical twin sister.  They did everything together including marrying best friends, moving from Canada to California, and having 8 kids each.  Gran's sister, best friend, confidant, died when her oldest child was 14 and the youngest was a baby.  Since the death the two families have remained very close.  Now we have a reunion every few years that we refer to as the CS feud (CS are the initials for both families last names).

Now I still don't remember every one's names in this big extended family.  There was 50 of us there and only about half of the families were able to come. I was talking to Jer's Aunt Sandy and she said Dee's son she placed for adoption is here.  Now Dee and I have never discussed adoption ever.  We never confided to each other that we both lost our first child to adoption just 6 years apart.  I had heard rumors that she had placed her son but I never talked to her about it.  I was always afraid that if I talked to her that it would be too painful for both of us. 

I went over to Dee and we talked to each other as mothers of loss.  We talked about the hurt, pain, our children's loss.  We talked about it all.  I found out her son and her have been in reunion for a year.  She has known all of his information for years but it wasn't ready for contact until he was 24.  She said it hurt to have his information but he had denied her contact.  He wasn't ready.  For 6 years she was in this non reunion limbo.  We talked about even saying the number of children we have is hard.  It is hard because of how other people accept us as mothers of our first children. 

Dee had said that Scott (her placed son) grew up within 30 miles of her and her family.  When they were in the limbo her niece even went to Blockbuster where he worked just see see what he looked like.  She did not contact him or reveal who she was, she just went in as a customer.  She just wanted to see her cousin and be in his presence.

Interestingly when I was talking to Sandy she said "Scott looks just like Dee" I responded of course he does, are you shocked that you like like your parents?  It is only in adoption that we are surprised that children look like their natural parents."