Kenny was telling me how one of his friends who is 15 wants to find her parents. She was adopted as an infant and doesn't know anything about her adoption or original family. This girl has been searching her house while her parents are out for her adoption records. She has been searching the Internet trying to figure out which agency her parents used. Kenny came to me to help give her advice. Kenny and his friends think I am some adoption expert because I have lived it. I have never been an adoptee I don't know what it is like from their perspective.
What I said was she needs to be honest with her parents. Legally the agency can not help find her parents yet. But she does know she was born and raised in the same county. She needs to reassure her parents she doesn't want to replace them. Since she was born in the same area she is being raised in she wants to make sure she doesn't date a brother or cousin or any other family member. I do not know if her adoption was opened or closed. Her parents might have a lot of information including her mother's name and a picture. Or that might just have some basic non identifying information (like Alyssa's parents had). This girl might be content just knowing her birth name and her basic information of her mother. She feels this is her information and it shouldn't be kept from her.
My suggestion was that if she has her parents permission send a letter to her mother through the agency. If the agency has a forwarding address they can get the letter to the mother or it can be kept in a file for the mother. Does anyone have better advice? I know this girl is young but I think it is important that she has her questions answered. I really do think that it is important for every person to know where they come from, who they inherit their looks and personality from. It is not about tearing apart an adoptive family but building up the self worth of an individual.
Good advice was given. But (there is always a but) it is so very hard to talk to your parents if they aren't open to talking. If she won't talk to them then perhaps suggest that she write them a letter telling them how she feels about them and also that she has questions she is having a hard time talking to them about. Sometimes that can work better.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for that advice. I knew there was someone out there that was smarter than me on this. I do not know what it is like to be an adoptee and navigating life between 2 sets of parents. I'm so glad you gave that advice especially coming from an adoptee you can understand the situation and feelings so much better than I can.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I don't ever recommend getting ap's involved with a reunion. Ever. They make it about THEM, when it has NOTHING to do with them.
ReplyDeleteShe is 15. Most aps would completely derail any reunion thoughts or plans when their child is that age. Some even go as far as to get a restraining order against the child's first parents.
My best advice to her is to be very matter of fact with her ap's and tell them she wants to know any and all information about her adoption, without bringing up the reunion part. It is her information. This will also let her get an idea as to how their reactions would be if there ever IS a reunion. (warning- most ap's are great at saying, "Oh, we support you", but when the reunion happens, their entitlement comes out and it is ugly)
If they give her the info, she will have some time to prepare herself for when she is 18.
I have to say this, though. I find it a bit offensive when anyone says, "She needs to reassure her parents she doesn't want to replace them."
No she doesn't. She has 4 very real parents, and if her adopters are threatened, that's THEIR issue. Besides- there was no "replacing" our first parents. Our ap's signed a contract to raise a stranger's child. Once that child is of legal age, game over. If they are that insecure, they should have never adopted.
Adoptees who are under the age of 18 really do need the help and support of their parents in their search. Like theadoptedones said, it is extremely hard to talk to your parents about this if adoption is rarely spoken about already--because you often have no idea how it will be received. If no one talks about it...is it an OK topic...or a taboo one? Like they suggested, sometimes a heartfelt letter is a good way to tell someone how you feel that doesn't feel confrontational.
ReplyDeleteGood luck to her!
I hope and pray that her parents support her search. You are SO, SO right. This isn't about her adoptive parents or her first parents. It's about connecting her to her roots, to find out her origins, to give her that piece of herself. It is building the pieces of her as an individual, as you said, so she has the self worth and knowledge of her origins.
ReplyDeleteLinda - Thanks for calling me out on "She needs to reassure her parents she doesn't want to replace them." You are absolutely right I didn't think of it that way. Please let me know when I am wrong I really do respect your opinion.
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