As I try to figure out where I am at with this whole crazy adoption situation I have to go back to the beginning. I started rereading my daughter's aparents profile. First I have to wonder if there as an outline to follow. Was there proofreads that the agency did and had them rewrite? I will never know the answer to that. Honestly I'm afraid for that answer. I did expect them to be absolutely truthful after all they had 2 pages to tell about themselves, a woman is deciding who to parent their child based on this. So even half truths or sugar coating things would be a grievous mistake and is the same thing as a lie.
As quoted from the eloquent The Adopted One "Adoptive parents should be held to a higher standard simply because they are adopting someone elses child, the new adoptee has also just lost their entire family so yes - higher standard, end of story. Adoptive parents should not ever be given a pass or have excuses made for them when they do something that can impact the adoptee, either physical or emotional harm, they should be better than that or choose not adopt – the impact is too great."
When choosing parents for my daughter I was very adamant I wanted a very tight close knit family. I wanted my child to grow up with cousins that were best friends, advocates, and each others cheerleaders. I wanted her to know her adoptive family on a very deep level. I wanted her to have people around her that she could confide in and trust. I knew my child would need more than church but people from the community and close friends to help her. I wanted my child's parents to have ties to the community. I wanted to make sure that they had every intention to stay where they lived when my daughter was born. I didn't want them to adopt their children and run. I made sure that all couples had lived in their homes for at least 10 years.
I wanted the parents to be very loving towards each other. I wanted them out going and social. I wanted my daughter to see what makes a good marriage, how spouses love and adore each other. I wanted a father for my daughter that doted on his wife. I wanted her to have parents that were best friends. All of these things were part of my criteria. The agency at the time preferred the adoptive couple to have similar looks/features of the parents. I was told it was best to have a child that looked like the adoptive parents that way society never questioned if the children were adopted.
Owen and me
My first grandson one day old.
My adoption was the beginning of the pre-birth matching era where they gave the illusion of choice but there was none once the papers were signed. My mom was asked to look at profiles of couples in counselling and think about which one she would choose. She chose a couple whose jobs sounded interesting and who already had a son because she had a ton of siblings and wanted someone to look out for me like some of her siblings did for her.
ReplyDeleteBut the adoption was closed. The agency selected my parents and it was not who she thought she picked. I was raised an only child by a couple who was selected 1. because they thought I would look like the couple and 2. because they lived very far away from my first mother.
And of course, my parents were told they were selected because they met the criteria of all of the things my f mom had said she wanted.
Not that I don't love my parents but what the agency did was absolutely wrong.
Amanda you are just a few years older than my daughter. What your agency did was immoral, unethical and in every sense of the word just wrong. I was always afraid that my daughter would end up with parents other than I picked. I had no names or pictures on the profiles, so there was a worry that they could put her in any family and I would never know. I am glad the agency did place my daughter with the family I picked. The reason i know she was in the family I chose is because I had their birthdates and wedding dates,they do match up wioth the couple that raised my daughter.
ReplyDeleteAs I received pictures and I met my daughter I did study her face and make sure she was my daughter that the agency didn't play some cruel trick on us. I had also worried that maybe my baby was with a different couple and I had been writing the wrong family. I know that sounds silly but those were my worries.
The one major thing that first made me realize that she was my daughter is her toe thumbs. I have them but no one else in my family does. When I saw her thumb in a picture I knew she was my daughter without a doubt. I'm sure that sounds silly to anyone else but it didn't to me. When I first heard her laugh a litle over a year ago it reconfirmed she is my daughter. We all have very similar distinctive laughs.
Jeannette, you and your daughter could be twins you look so much alike! Seriously!
ReplyDeleteAmanda,
ReplyDeleteThat is so sweet. I see that she gets some physical characteristics from me but very rarely do I think wow she looks just like me. I take it as a huge compliment when you say we look like twins because I think Alyssa is gorgeous.