I know now Alyssa's mom is an introvert that doesn't like to socialize and won't even talk on the phone unless the person is a very close friend. That is not the environment I wanted my daughter in. This woman that praises love in every letter to me wouldn't even come to the door when she knew it was me. This woman wouldn't meet me before I met Alyssa. I gave her a chance to know me, sit down, and talk but she refused. Twice when I picked up Alyssa her mom refused to even come to the door to acknowledge me. Not only did that hurt me but i saw how it affected our daughter. It was as if my daughter was told in words I really don't care about you or your feelings. I saw my daughter hurt by one of her parents.
I knew Alyssa needed to be with very outgoing social people. People that reached outside of themselves. She needed a village to help raise her not just a church, that does not work well with our personalities. I do know Alyssa loves both parents that raised her and she has a special bond with her dad she says he is funny but from different things said he is very unemotionally supportive. Not only of her but others in his family too.
I read their profile with new eyes recently. First it starts off "Dear birth parent" really????? I was expecting not a birth parent. Next they talk about themselves referring to themselves by mom and dad. WTF was I thinking? In this letter it was the first step to make me think of myself as just a birth mom and them as the real parents. It doesn't say husband/wife but mom/dad. It also mentions how they often pray for the important blessing of another addition to our family. Did they ever think that to get this blessing a family had to be broken up? Children do not come from a cabbage patch.
When Alyssa was 2 months old her parents wrote me and said they would continue to use the name "Alyssa" when writing to me but that isn't her given name. Now I see that and say yes that is her original given name, you changed it but it was her given name.
By the time Alyssa was a year and a half they moved about 5 hours south. According to Alyssa they never really came back to visit the area where she spent the first year and a half of her life. So much for ties to the community.
Right after their oldest daughter turned 18 they moved again, this time 2 states and about 800 miles away. I wonder how much of a coincidence that was? Where they trying to run away from "the evil birth moms"? They have 2 of those evil woman in their life and both of their daughters want contact with their families.
Once Alyssa hit about 15 and the 2 of us started communicating I read more about adoption. Adoption not from the viewpoint of the adoptive parents but from the adoptee. I joined online groups about adoption. If I was ever going to let Alyssa in my life I had to understand adoption from her point of view. Even though she is over 18 she still needs me as one of her parents. It was at this point that I started learning about sealed OBC and why it is so important to have access to your OBC and families. I also found out that I could not get my daughter's OBC. That came as a shock to me, I couldn't understand why I wasn't even able to have access to that. I wanted to get it so if she ever wanted a copy she could have it. I also wanted it for a selfish reason, I just wanted to see in writing that I was listed at one point as her mom. I wanted to see her name on an official record of birth. I totally understand how selfish that is on my part.
Within the last year Alyssa was talking to her other parents and mentioned she wanted to get her OBC. Her dad said oh we have it in our file cabinet. She had to let him know that they had their ABC she had another birth certificate that listed me and her natural father as her parents. Small things like not realizing what an original and amended birth certificate is told me a lot about them as her parents. I realized that they weren't in tuned to her or her sister that was adopted as adoptees. Yes she is their child, but she will also always have other parents. She will always be adopted into their family. She will always have a different family and medical history than them.
As parents to adoptees you have to do more and understand the struggles that adoptees can have. You have to enlighten yourself. You have to read and even read the painful things that adoptees write. The painful thing as a parent to read is their truth. I am so thankful there are so many adopteesadoptees have multiple parents, they have ancestries that are not the adoptive parents ancestry. They do not take after the parents that raised them and have their physical or personalities traits.
It can't be easy growing up and not seeing yourself mirrored in the people you call family. It can't be easy to be told your mom loved you enough to
As adoptees grow older and their personalities come out more there can be more conflict with parents. I know as my daughter hit 12 and 13 that is when her parents and her really started having problems. It wasn't that she was a bad child or teenager. She wasn't ever allowed to truly feel or accept the loss of her family. Her personality also conflicted with her parents. They couldn't understand where she was coming from and she couldn't understand her parents personalities. It was like water and oil. They do all love each other, I am totally sure of that. That does not replace the fact that their personalities do not mesh. They do not see eye to eye on anything from religion to politics to even what foods to eat.
As my daughter has told me as an adoptee your role in life is to make others happy, make others a family. Ignore your own pain and hurt and try to confirm to become what others want of you, become others the child others wanted if they could have had their own child.
Alyssa is a very smart young woman. The last paragraph is painful to read, even as a middle aged adoptee, because it is true. I just wasn't strong enough to admit it publicly at her age. Good for you, Alyssa!!!
ReplyDeleteLinda - Alyssa told me the only reason she can admit it and come to terms with that statement is because she has support from her natural family.
ReplyDeleteI think many young adoptees probably don't realize this just like us young birth mothers didn't realize how we were being coerced and brain washed. We were told we were brave and selfless and doing the best thing for our baby and we believed them.
ReplyDeleteAdoptees are told who to be and how to feel and if someone you love and trust tells you that enough you start to believe it...until you start to think things through for yourself later on down the road.
I am glad Alyssa can see things for what they really are and know it's ok to be who she is. I am glad she's had the opportunity to see where she comes from, who she looks like, acts like, walks like and talks like. It gives me hope.