Friends and adoption

Over at Joy's Division  she wrote a really great post that got me thinking.  Her post was about reunited mothers wanting to be friends with their placed children.  She also wrote about how adoptive couples become friends with an expectant mothers hoping they will place.  Go read her article before you continue with this.  She is an adoptee, I love to read things from adoptees perspective.  It makes me understand my daughter better.  I hope it can eventually help and understand Owen better too. What Joy said hit home, sort of a punch in the gut, but it did hit home.

When Alyssa and I were just writing through the agency we got to know each other but we did both sugar coat a lot of things.  I knew the agency read every letter and so did her parents.  I also found out  so did her "counselor" at West Ridge Academy.  West Ridge is one of those schools you send your "bad teenager".  They help with drug addictions, bipolar, acting out, and adoption issues.  As we wrote each other I did say I felt like a friend or aunt.  I did not feel like that all.  I have always felt like her mom.  Why would I say that then?  I thought that is what I was supposed to say and I knew so many people were reading my letters before Alyssa saw it I didn't want to say the wrong thing.  I didn't want our contact stopped.  After we were reunited and did not have the interference of everyone else I told her that I had lied.  I do not feel like I am a friend or aunt.  I have always felt like her mother.  I wasn't sure how she would take it but she just responded back "I know". 

The other thing that Joy mentioned was adoptive couples becoming "friends" with expectant mothers that are looking at placing.  A friend helps you, supports you, loves you.  They don't become friends to take your child.  They do not guilt you into placing because they have loved you and supported you for a few months and they already bought everything for the baby.  Friends help boost your confidence and support you.  They hold you hand and love you while you are going through rough times.  Friends will help you and show you what they see in you. They will always build you up.  True friends are there for you and do not help themselves to your child. 

I have had many friends ask me why I didn't adopt my grandson.  After all we could afford it we are stable in a loving committed relationship.  Owen would be raised in his tribe with his heritage and people, Alyssa would see him as much as she wanted.  Why I did not do that is simple.  I wanted my daughter to raise her son, I wanted her to have the confidence to know that I knew she was enough to raise her own child.  It wouldn't matter if she relinquished her rights to me or anyone else she would still be having the same pain and heartbreak.  I love her with everything I have why would I do anything else to hurt her?