How many of us placed our children thinking that if we sacrificed by placing our child for adoption at least they would never have to go through placing their children? How many of us assumed that if we raised our children poor, without fathers around our children would end up either pregnant young or getting someone pregnant young?
When I came to my parents in July of 1991 telling them I was pregnant my mother started mentioning adoption. I was still with Allysa's dad at this time. I was working 2 part time jobs, going to summer school, and looking at going to night school so I could graduate a year early, just months after my baby was due.
By August my mom was taking me to weekly counseling sessions with LDSFS. My counselor started to seem like a friend. She asked me what I could provide, what Allysa's dad could provide. She asked if I would have wanted to be married and educated when I had my child. She asked me to start thinking about the things that I could provide compared to a married educated couple.
By mid-September I had ended it with Allysa's dad. He still wanted to be involved with me but I was done. I just walked away from him. There were many reasons why I walked away but the biggest ones were that he wasn't working and he was doing drugs. I did not want that around my baby. I did not give him a chance to get himself cleaned up, I did not give him ultimatums. I just left him. I figured by this point I was several months along if he wanted to get a job and stop doing drugs he would have. I shouldn't have to give him an ultimatum, was my thinking. He was also starting to show signs of being very possessive. He even showed up at my school waiting for me at the end of my school day after we broke up. He was 21 and I was 16 at the time.
The days that my mom would drive me to school she would talk to me about the different adoption options that were available. I remember several times starting off class barely able to hold my emotions together. I just wanted my baby but I started to think that maybe I wasn't enough for my child. I was told about the statistics for my child having a teenage pregnancy, being uneducated, and the list goes on. I was also having counseling sessions with my bishop 2 or 3 times a monthly. In every counseling session with him adoption was mentioned.
In October/November time I received a tape in the mail and a letter from Alyssa's dad. I never read or listened to it but my mom did. It basically said that no one can keep us apart and he would take me from my family. Yes I was scared, terrified, shocked. I just wanted to protect my baby. I didn't want her to deal with this craziness. She was innocent and did nothing wrong.
At this point both my mom and SW talked to me more about adoption. As if the weekly counseling with LDSFS and the drop offs at school where my mom always mentioned adoption wasn't enough. No one ever mentioned restraining order. It was as if the only way to protect my child was to place her for adoption. Now I realize that Allysa's paternal uncle and grandparents would have helped me with her but they were never given the chance or option.
By November/December time the SW had me just look at profiles. The first one she showed me was a sweet, special couple, that she said she knew I would love. She then compared what this couple could provide to my child to what I could provide, now that I was single and would not marry the father. She had me make a list of everything I would want for my child. I was reminded about the high percentage of teenage pregnancies when children are raised by single mothers with no fathers.
I gave up. I absolutely totally gave up. I loved my baby. I did want more for her. I wanted her to have everything I couldn't provide. I never wanted my child to go through the hell of having an unplanned pregnancy. I never wanted her to be single and alone. If my baby was going to be a boy I was told how important his father would be to him. I was told how no other man would make up for his father not being around. I didn't know what I was going to have so they worked both angles.
When I finally sat down and chose the couples, the first one they showed me was the one they showed me weeks before. The sweet couple that they knew I would love. I had so much going on in my head I didn't even realize that the couple was the same one they had showed me previously. I wonder now if maybe this couple was at the top of the list to be parents? I will never know that answer. My mom later mentioned to me that they were the same couple that I had seen the profile of originally.
Not only was it drilled into me that I couldn't parent without a spouse, that my child deserved more, but also that my child had a high chance of becoming a b@#%^ parent if I did not place. My parents never sat me down and said we will help you, you can stay with us, they did not threaten to kick me out but it was never acknowledged that if I did not choose adoption I could bring my baby home.
If you look at my family from the outside I would have been the last one to "choose" adoption. My mom got pregnant before she married my dad. Of the 6 of my siblings that have had kids not one of us was married before we had our first child. Some of us have blended families, some of us married the father of our children, Of us 5 girls I was the only one that placed I have since found out that 2 of my sisters were pressured to place by my mother, but neither of them were brought into LDSFS for counseling, I was the only one. I have cousins that choose to live happily unmarried with their children's father. Having a child out of wedlock is not a horrible evil thing, if it was why would single women ever be allowed to adopt?
What I find so interesting is my now 90 year old grandmother was the one person that was against the adoption. Up until a year ago my grandma still mentioned Allysa with tears in her eyes she said, "I wish you could have kept her in the family, If she was to be adopted it would have been best if someone in the family could raise her". Grandma, you are a wise woman. I wish when I was pregnant you didn't live 800 miles away. I think you understand so much more than I ever did about adoption.
I'm trying to catch up on my blog reading and this resonates with me so much. You were coerced at every turn...every move you made toward parenting you were pushed further into the belief it was best to give up your child. Why? Because you did care that much. I have a firm belief that young women in such a situation who don't care what happens to their child aren't going to be preyed upon because they didn't seek help or get pushed into "help" by a parent who wants to control the situation. The father scaring you and not being dependable left you more vulnerable...etc etc...that isn't to say there aren't those (like your cousins et al) who can have their babies and do fine, because frankly, I think we all can and could have! But there's always some major factor that makes that happen for them...a father who is involved, an aunt who steps in to help...there's always some kind of support of keeping your child and always someone hearing you when you say what you want and need. I am the oldest. A few months after losing my child to "open" adoption (after having NO help whatsoever) my sister born after me had a baby and kept her, but she didn't care...she was a mess and neglected her poor child. No one got to coerce her because she kept everyone at bay and didn't seek help. My youngest sister (5 years younger than me) had her first child when she was 18. Our parents had divorced so my mother wasn't in the picture...my sister's dad was awesomely supportive so long as my mother wasn't there calling the shots. And the baby's father wanted to marry my sister, which she did. He too was supportive. The marriage didn't work...but he's still a constant in his child's life. He's a good dad. This makes a difference as to whether you get sucked into the coercive machine that is adoption or not.
ReplyDeleteNo one would help me either except my grandmothers! Of all people I thought they'd be the most ashamed, but they were giddy as could be to be made great grandmothers and wanted to do all they could to help. Unfortunately, they were too old, sick and poor to do much of anything. In fact, one died when my baby was about 6 weeks old. The other had just had a kidney removed and was bed ridden. They were good loving women, wonderful mothers themselves and had lived long enough to be wise...to understand what truly matters and most of all, to listen without selfish prejudice.
You can't determine a child's future by who they are raised by or how much money they have...so long as there is love and nurturing and I think that must come from the woman that carried them in her womb. If she wants to give that love and nurturing...she should be allowed to without anyone else calling the shots. We still have a long way to go yet before young women in these situations have the proper help/resources and guidance they need to succeed. I hope to live to see the day that happens. (and the day adoption is outlawed and only guardianship-without erasing history or secrets and lies-is allowed for the absolutely necessary)