Moving on over

I am moving my blog to www.ourheartslinked.wordpress.com

Jeannette

Reality TV or a day in my laugh

I started writing this post December 15th but I have been way too busy to finish it.

My kids always say that our life is funnier, crazier, and more dramatic than any reality TV show ever on. They will tell me that we should set up video cameras to follow  us and capture the craziness.  Yesterday was one of those days.  My kids do things to make each other laugh all the time.  They also fight and argue and get on each other's nerves.  Think the antics of the Kardashians but without the privilege and money. 

Allysa and I work together so when I drop off the boys at school she is with me.  After working in an office for hours she has a bit of built up energy.  We go to the boys high school and we see Alex across the grass laying down and talking with his girlfriend.  Allysa being the awesome and amazing older sister yells as loud as she can "Alex, Alex, Alex (insert last name here) stop making out with your girlfriend.  Alex come to the car right now your mom is waiting for you"  She continues to yell and laugh until he gets to the car.  Next Allysa sees Kenny and does the same thing to him.  My boys are totally embarrassed but they are laughing most of the way home.

 Then Kenny as we are driving home informs us that his dad wants a family meeting tonight.  He wants to discuss the kids behavior etc.  Kenny is riled up and gets his siblings riled up.  My husband never mentioned anything to me(which is totally out of character for him).  I text my husband and ask him what is going on.  I guess it started off on Monday night that Kenny got annoyed because Cassie and Allysa were snapping at each other over the last day.  Kenny thought it would be a good idea to have a family meeting so he talked to my husband alone.  My husband allowed Kenny to talk and get out his frustration and then said something like well if I see a major problem I will have a family meeting.  In typical 15 year old boy mode Kenny only listened to half of what my husband said, you know the half that acknowledged Kenny's feelings and ideas.  So basically Kenny got everyone riled up and annoyed for no reason at all.  Everyone calmed down and it became back to our peaceful family.

We get home and do a few things.  I continue to check my work email from home but then remember I need to grab the mail.  I go outside and I see 2 pairs of shoes on the ground, both of my boys shoes, the outside broom on the ground and my boys staring at the top of the tree.  You know something bad is happening.  My boys are standing on the damp grass in just socks so of course I ask what are you 2 doing now? Well they said, we threw a ball and it got stuck in the tree so now we are trying to get it out but more things are getting stuck in the tree.  Wow I love those boys and I just ha to laugh and ask what else was stuck in the tree.  They answered they have gotten a shoe stuck but then they threw the other shoe and got the stuck shoe out of the tree but the ball didn't come out.  They then got the rake handle and threw it in the tree and got that stuck.  Next they got a hockey stick stuck in the tree.  Finally Kenny threw something and got the ball out of the tree along with the broom handle out of the tree.  The only slight problem was they came within 3 inches of almost hitting Alex in the head when they fell.  But they were both laughing.

They both came in and Kenny got ice for his hand.  I find out Ken's first idea was to climb the tree to get the ball out but he cut open his hand a bit trying to climb it.  He sat down for a few minutes and relaxed but somehow it turned into Allysa and Kenny wrestling.  Kenny decided to try to hit Allysa with the ice (out of fun and not anger) so Allysa decided to take a spatula and hit Kenny with it.  They let go of their "weapons" and pulled on each others ears.  They finally called a truce and let go.  But they were still laughing and nobody was hurt so I was not about to get upset about this. 

A bit later we were about to sit down for dinner, we had leftovers so everyone individually warmed up there plate.  Allysa did hers first and sat down to have some soda and soup.  Someone said something and Allysa started laughing so hard that soda came out of her mouth and nose.  She then commented that she almost peed her pants from laughing so hard.  I looked at her pants and she was actually wearing my pants. 

After dinner we decided to decorate the tree.  I wanted to do it together as a family when everyone was in a good mood.  It took from Sunday all the way til Wednesday to make that happen.  I hung the lights on the tree by myself but let the kids put on the ornaments.  Allysa has never decorated a tree before.  Her mom always did it to make it look just right.  I love to see my kids decorate it and enjoy the time together.  Our tree does not look perfect, it will not be put in a store display but the kids had so much fun decorating it.  Alex had 2 "baby's first Christmas" ornaments from when he was born.  He took one and gave it to Allysa to mark us having a first Christmas with her.  I marked Allysa's name on it too.  Allysa took a bunch of ornaments and put them right together on the tree.  She said this is for all of the adoptees that haven't found their families yet, we need to stick together.

I love perfect days like this...Merry Christmas.

Wild Ride weekend

It has been quite a wild ride this weekend.  My emotions were a little erratic.  Friday Cassie had her orchestra performance and it was the first big one Allysa was able to see.  I had seen Iadoptees post on Thursday but discussed it with Allysa before I put it on my facebook wall.  Anything to do with adoption I discuss with Allysa before I put it on my wall.  I don't want it to bother her so I just get her approval first.  I do not have separate facebook accounts for the different parts of my life.  My things are out there for everyone to see.  My facebook has family, friends, adoption community, and even a few fb gamers (yes I am one of those dorks). 

About 15 minutes after I put up Iadoptees post I saw that a facebook friend had put it up on her wall.  I had no idea this person was attached to adoption in anyway.  She had wrote that she is an adoptee.  A short time later she had a comment on the link by a member of her adoptive family.   I was so hurt and sad for her.  She tried to speak out and she was shut down.  We in the adoption blog world are used to being attacked and dismissed but most people are not used to it.    My heart broke for her.  I wanted to go write to this family member of hers and tell them how it feels to lose part of your family through adoption but I stayed quiet.  This was not my battle to fight and I was not adopted so I can not say how that feels like. 

I let it go and enjoyed Cassie's performance.  It was so nice to have Allysa sit by me and enjoy this with her.  Cassie loved having her (almost) whole family there to watch her.  This is what she has always wanted to have.  She calls it her real family, having ALL of her siblings together. 

Saturday morning I woke up at 5:30am with a migraine.  Not a good way to start off a busy day.  This is the second Saturday in a row to start off that way.  I was able to get it under control by noon and went over to my sister's house and we did our annual baking together. It was so nice to be with part of the family and just hang out.  No pressure or anything just hang out and bake for a bit while we caught up with each other's lives.  Allysa hung out with her cousins that were around.  I watched her for a few minutes sitting on the ground by the Christmas tree with a box of Lego's dumped on the ground while she held her 6 year old cousin and played with him.  It looked like a picture perfect Christmas.  I went upstairs for a few minutes and let my tears come, how I wished Allysa could enjoy the same moments with her son.  She was so tender with him and in the moment.  It looked like it was just the two of them and the world stopped around them.  Why in normal families get togethers are the older aunts, uncles, and cousins allowed to be alone in a room with the younger children so they can build there relationships, but in adoption us mothers who have given the ultimate "gift" (yuck) are deemed unworthy to even have a 30 minutes alone in the same room with our own children.  Rebecca this is not directed at you at all.  All adoptive parents should take your direction and lead.  You are what every adoptive parent should try to emulate. 

By that night I was going to a Christmas party at a friends house.  I was really looking forward to dressing up and seeing some really amazing friends.  I have been hanging out with a group of about 5 couples for 2+ years now.  They are all good solid people.  Most of us have been married 18 to 22 years.  Some have kids and some do not.  The environment is always relaxing, I think we are all pretty liberal and come from many very different religions.  We can always talk, relax, and just enjoy each other's company.  Everyone knows I have 4 kids but most of them don't know I placed Allysa, our reunion, and all of our drama.  They just know I have 4 kids and 1 grandson. 

I started talking to one of the husbands in the group and he asked about my religion. I told him I grew up Mormon but left the church about a year and a half ago.  Of course he asked why.  I joked well how much time do you have this is a long story.  This is my usual way of answering the question.  Most people don't probe any farther but we have built up a good relationship and see each other a lot.  So he said I have hours and I would love to hear about it.  I told him about losing Allysa

The next day we didn't do a whole lot.  We slowly worked on chores and got a Christmas tree.  Allysa and her fiancee made a really good cauliflower and potato soup for dinner.  She has turned into such an amazing cook.  Believe me it is not easy to cook vegan and soy free without food always tasting disgustingly healthy, she has learned to make food taste delicious.  That evening we got bundled up, each of us had either a thermos of coffee or hot cocoa.  I also brought a purse full of candy canes.  We headed down town to Christmas in the Park.  This is 2 acres of a park turned into Christmas land.  There are over 200 different Christmas trees decorated from all kinds of organizations. There are also about 40 to 50 different Christmas scenes set up with animated figures.  We try to go every few years and I wanted to show Allysa.  I want her to see some of our family traditions.  We spent almost 2 hours in downtown walking around, talking, and watching everything.  I thought to myself the only thing that would make this more complete is a light snow falling (and Owen).  Within 5 minutes we passed under a bubble machine that made it look like snow was falling.  It was magical.  Allysa decided to catch the snow with her tongue, she then realized it was bubbles and not snow.  Bubbles do not taste as good as snow. 

We came home and wanted to watch the movie Elf but it was too late on a school night.  Cassie got bent out of shape over that.  Of course it then turned into a little argument but overall a really good day. 

Dec 6 birthdays

Today is my oldest nieces birthday, she turned 24 December 6.  I know my sister had a very difficult time when she had Cheri.  Shana was just 16 years old and still going to high school.  She did end up graduating with all A's and B's.  She married Cheri's dad and had 2 more children.  She ended up being a single mom with 3 kids by the time she was 25 years old.  She always worked, and worked very hard.  As the years went by it was rare that she even got child support, she was the sole provider of her children.  She did remarry when her youngest was about 6 and Cheri was about 12.  She didn't always know how she would pay for everything but she made it work.  Did she struggle? Yes she did.  Was she a good mom? Absolutely.  Would my niece have been better off if she was adopted?  I truly don't think so. 

My sister did fight to keep her daughter.  She fought my mom, her doctor, members of her church.  She had to prove to everyone wrong about their ideas of single young mothers.  We talked about this a few years ago, she told me she would not have lived if she would have placed Cheri.  That is the one thing that would have broke her.  It is not selfish or unloving to parent your children even as a single mom.  Cheri, I am so glad your mom made the decision she did.  I'm glad you are my niece and I have been able to watch you grow up.

And to the other birthday today.  It is my nephew John Robert, he was born Dec 6, 1995.  He is my brother's child.  I have not seen him since he was a few days old.  My brother was about 16 and so was his girlfriend.  This was the only child that either of them had.  He was placed for adoption.  I do not know all the details of why or how everyone feels about it.  It is a subject we don't talk about. I did talk to John's mother about a year and a half ago.  Her life has been a bit chaotic since she placed and she feels it was the best for him to be placed.  How John feels, I do not know.  I don't even know what his name was changed to.  My brother and I do not discuss this at all.   I do think of him and wonder what he is like.  I wonder if he looks more like my family or his moms family.  Is he tall and thin like his dad.  Does he play music?  I hope he is okay. I hope he hasn't struggled, I hope he is happy and knows he is loved.  I wonder if he wants contact with us?  I do want to meet him.  I do want to look into his eyes.  I was there when he was born and I would have loved to watch him grow up.

I do not know what city or state he is in but I wonder if I have seen him passing by.  He is 8 months older than my Kenny.  I wonder how they would get along if they have similar interest.  We live in a city of about a million people, do my sons and John have friends in common?  John if you ever happen upon this post I would love contact with you.  I"m sorry we didn't fight harder to keep you in the family.  I do love you and think of you often. 

Dirty Little Secret

I just read 2 good blogs with comments.  The first is FMF and the second is Living Life.   Go read them and then come back.   This might take a while.  Of course both of these are written by mothers and not adoptees.  Adoptees have made some very good comments so we can understand it from their perspective too.  One adoptee blogged about this too at what the hell am I supposed to call this.

About a year ago my daughter and I were talking about what it is like to be adopted.  How she feels about it, what her perspective is.  She had said no one would choose to be pulled between two families for eternity.  Belonging to both families but neither family at the same time.  She is quite wise for her 19 years, if I do say so myself.

I had thought recently how nice it would be if we could all get together for the holidays.  Not nice as in wow you are amazing let's be one happy family but nice as in it would be good for our daughter to not feel pulled between both families.  We share one grandchild, and hopefully we will share more grand kids in the future.  We will be attending our daughter's wedding in June so it would be best to learn to get along and maybe even like each other. It would be nice for her not to feel torn between us.  My daughter has never had to keep her parents as a DLS from me.  I have tried to encourage her to keep the communication lines opened.  They will always be her parents.  I know she will always love them.  I know sometimes she has had to keep me as a DLS, she can't always tell them about our interactions (before she moved in).  They seemed to feel betrayed because we have a relationship.  I have came to their door to pick up Allysa and they have refused to come to the door because they knew I was there.  Yes that hurt, who wouldn't be hurt by that but that is what they have to deal with.  I can't put Allysa in the middle of our feelings we were the adults and made a decision about her life, her adoption.  We as her parents have to deal with the aftermath (and to me that includes dealing with each other).

A couple months ago I was out Ken's Boy Scout Court of Honor.  This is the the meeting that happens every 3 months that parents, family members, and friends are invited to.  The boys receive their merit badges and new ranks.  A fellow parent came up to me and introduced herself to Allysa.  This parent said something along the lines of "You must be Jeannette's daughter, it is so nice to finally meet you."  I could tell Allysa was happy.  She realized that she wasn't a DLS of mine.  She was loved and wanted and she realized I wasn't ashamed of her.  My friends and acquaintances knew about her even if Allysa had never met them. 

If you are a mother who surrendered please don't allow your child to be a DLS.  I know it is hard to come out of our closet.  We don't want everyone to know about our decision to surrender.  I know how hard it is and the judgement that you feel from others.  But it is worth it for your relationship with your child.  No one wants to be a DLS.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was amazing.  For the first time ever I had all of my kids together.  It was L-O-U-D and they were rambunctious, there was laughter and even a little bit of arguing.  But I had all of my kids.  I missed Owen incredibly though.  Our little family will not be complete without him.  He is so loved and he will always be part of our family even though he isn't with us.  I wonder how Allysa's other parents are dealing without having her with them for the holidays?  I know what it is like not to have one of your children with you.  To celebrate holidays as a family but have your loved one missing, it does hurt.  I'm sure they are feeling what I have felt over the last 19 years.

One really cool thing happened on Thanksgiving.  Jer's grandmother was handing out Christmas cards with money in them.  She was giving them out to each of her grand kids and great grand kids.  She had a card for Allysa too.  My eyes watered up, I held in my joy and my tears.  Allysa was accepted without question by Jer's grandma.  When I was pregnant with her I was told how no man would ever accept her, no family would want me and my daughter to marry into their family.  Jer's family has shown me other wise.  His grandma is 80myears old and hard core Catholic but she accepts my daughter without question.

I think it is much easier to accept a toddler than a 19 year old daughter that has returned to her natural family.  My husband's family has accepted her.  They love her. The one thing that I was told would not ever be possible has happened.  You know what?  They would have accepted me with my one year old daughter 18 years ago as much as they accept us now.

Oh how I wish I could go back to my 16 year old self and tell her what I know now.  Do not believe the industries lies.  They are there to make a profit.  You can raise your child, you will find the man of your dreams in just over a year.  He will accept and love both of you.  His family will love the both of you too.  You can raise this beautiful baby just as well as a married older couple can.  Oh my 16 year old self I wish you knew what I know now.

To my kids

Sunday was a really bad, horrible, awful parenting day.  My emotions were out of wrack and I handled every situation with my kids badly horribly.  Usually I try my best, sometimes (or a lot of times) I mess up.  Sunday I just didn't care.  I wanted things to go exactly how I wanted them.  I didn't want to deal with anyone elses emotions, wants, or needs.  I just totally was out of line.  I did yell, I am a very confrontational person I do not keep things inside when I am upset.  If I am upset with you and I keep it inside it is because you are not worth my effort to get upset with.  You are not worth my time.

I have waited 19 years years to parent all of my children and I just screw it up, not just a little bit but majorly.  I got everyone pissed off and angry with me.  Everyone but my husband, he has a way to love me through my bad days.  I forget I have to be so careful with Allysa, I didn't parent her, things set her off differently than the other kids.  Allysa does not confront when she is upset she puts her walls up and is ready to run.  She did not leave but I know she was so close to she wanted to just leave me and never return.  If she did I wouldn't blame her either.

There have been so many changes so fast that I just exploded over small things.  Part of the problem (my issue) is Allysa getting married.  I am happy and excited for her but I feel like I am losing my little girl, my baby all over again.  What if she doesn't want me anymore?  These are my problems, my emotions not hers.  She has done nothing to make me think she doesn't want me in her life but it is my biggest fear.  Letting go again and preparing myself for it does tear me apart. 

Saturday we found out that Owen and his parents won't make it to the wedding.  Yes, that hurt, it hurt incredibly.  It was just one more time to say "you aren't our family".  I know it wasn't meant that way but it still feels that way.  It still hurts.  I'm sure they have valid reasons but we can still hurt and feel sad.  Just like if Allysa had decided to parent they would have been sad and be hurt over that and they would feel pain. 

I don't think Allysa has fully forgiven me for getting so upset on Sunday.  I am sure she feels resentment and pain towards me.  Allysa if you read this please know that I love you so much.  I'm sorry for failing you, I'm sorry for failing your siblings too.  I will try harder.  I know I am the farthest thing from perfect but I do love each of you incredibly much. 

Love Always,
Mama

2 great posts

I was navigating adoptoland on the internet today.  I found 2 really great posts.   I admit it I love to read what adoptees have to say about adoption.  For me to understnd my daughter and grandson I have to understand adoption from their viewpoint.  I have to go out of my comfort zone and my pain to look at how adoption has affected them.  How adopion has hurt hem and caused them pain.  I truly think all adoptions on some level are rooted in pain.  I don't care if you are "the good happy adoptee"  to get to be adopted you had no rights and your parents abandoned you.  That is the ugly truth. 

The first post by Iadoptee I do not have permission to link.  I tried to ask her permission but for some reason blogger is acting up.  I hope I don't upset anyone by linking to her. iAdoptee

The other adoptee is Joy.  I love her writing and how she is so protective of the next generation of adoptees.  She doesn't apolagize for it at all, she has gusto and confidence.

Fast Forward

Yesterdays post basically covered one year of our reunion. I left off at September 2010.  In December 2010 Allysa went to Hawaii with her boyfriend and 2 days after they got back he broke up with her.  She called me upset and crying.  They had been together close to a year.  I was sad for her that her heart was broken but I was not upset that they broke up, honestly.  I couldn't tell her that at the time but I thought it was a very good thing for her emotionally.  Since then she has dated a lot. There has been a couple special guys but there also has just been a lot of dating men and she has figured out what she won't accept and what she does want out of a relationship. 

In January 2011 we met her boyfriend Ian and got to spend a weekend with them in Tahoe.  In February Allysa turned 19 that week her ex-boyfriend started stalking her again and Owen's adoption was finalized.  In March I got to see Owen again at the celebration of his forever family.  I do not know how people celebrate tearing apart families.  To me that is incomprehensible.  I do not care if you adopted through foster care, internationally, or wet from the womb infant adoption.  You are still celebrating with family and friends that your child was in a position to lose their first family. 

Last May Allysa moved in with us.  Her relationship with her parents seem to be improving slowly. I know Allysa makes a lot of effort on her part to keep in contact with them.   My house is louder now, there is more laughing, playing, and some days fighting.  I do not know any siblings that are as close in age as my kids are that do not fight.  They also have each other's backs.  No one is allowed to hurt one of my kids or the others will make amends.  They will not physically fight but they will stand up for each other.  And they are absolutely funny together.  They have a way to crack each other up, sometimes it seems there is a special bond between these 4 kids.

I thought I had a job lined up for Allysa when she moved out here but it was postponed.  She searched months and months for a decent job that was full time.  She has ended up working 3 part time jobs.  They all fell into her lap at the in September and October.

Allysa recently (about 6 weeks ago) starting dating a guy.  They have fallen head over heels and are  in a whirlwind romance.  He comes from a good family, his parents are still married and seem happy. He also has  an education (yes that is a big deal).  Allysa usually falls for what I call "the lost puppy".  These guys have some potential if they weren't doing A(drugs),B(gangs), or C(lazy).  They usually have lost one parent or had very bad parenting.  The family dimensions that these men have came from are really messed up to say the least.  Allysa seems to always be the one to try to fix these men. 

And now to make sure we do not have a dull moment ever, Allysa and this new guy decided they want to get married in June 2012. Allysa has picked out her wedding dress, her colors, and decided to get married in Tahoe but have 2 receptions.  One in Utah with her adoptive family, and one in my hometown with my family and friends.  I'm sure I will be at both receptions.  Allysa's adoptive parents, my husband and I, and Allysa are paying for the wedding.  And the best news ever is that Owen gets to be the ring bearer.  His parents have already agreed to it.

Fast Forward

It is coming up on my 18th wedding anniversary in about a week and a half.  How have I been married that long?  How is it possible?  Today November 15, 2009 was my first contact with Allysa via facebook. 

In the last 2 years everything has changed.  We have grown so close.  We have endured more than I ever thought possible. Allysa has grown and changed so fast too.  I want to slow down.  I want to be able to enjoy these moments.

December 20th, 2009 I found out Allysa was pregnant (barely a month after our first real contact).  I worried, and celebrated this with her.  I encouraged and loved her.  we started to build our relationship.  We talked on the phone for the first time in January 2010.  Allysa's mom did not want us to talk on the phone so we waited a few months after the initial facebook contact.  It took me 18 years to truly hear my daughter's voice. 

February 2010 we met in  person.  I was able to spend days with my daughter.  It was more amazing than I could imagine.  I finally had all of my children together.  We were in the same room!!!  They got along great.  Everyone was on their best behavior too!

By this point Allysa had told me that she was going to LDSFS to make a decision.  How she went from I will never place my child, I know the damage it does to making an adoption plan in a few short months made my head spin.  Her decision had a lot to do with the parents that I chose for her. 

In April I saw Allysa one more time.  Her boyfriend and her were in Southern California.  They were supposed to come to Northern California for a week but they ended up spending about 18 hours here instead.  This boyfriend was all about manipulation and being cruel.  I could write a separate blog just about him.  Allysa was head over heels for him, after all he would accept her in her condition, he wouldn't raise this baby, but he would accept her being pregnant.  He ended up being mentally abusive to her.  All of the signs were there and this relationship terrified me. 

By May 2010 she had chosen parents for her son.  It is sad how easily mother's are manipulated.  How we are asked to "just look at a few profiles", then asked to compare what we can give compared to any of these couples.  How we are not given the knowledge how to raise our child.  How we might be told about welfare, but only how bad it is.  How we will stand in line at soup kitchens if we raise our child.  How we are never asked to look outside of ourselves even to the father and his family.  Owen's grandfather (dad's father)is senior vice president in Canada to one of the largest food companies in Canada.  Yet it was never looked into if they would be able to keep Owen in the family.  Owens paternal grandparents didn't even have any knowledge of Owen until about 2 weeks before he was born.  Owen is also their first grandchild.  It was never encouraged to look for help from the father, not when a married couple could raise this child.

May 2010 my sister and I saw Allysa graduate high school.  We were asked through Allysa not to sit by Allysa's parents.  They didn't want to see us at all.  Owens PAPs were there also and were welcomed to sit by Allysa's parents but not me, I'm a home wrecker.  I had wanted Allysa to have her graduation dinner with her parents.  I thought they deserved that right.  I thought they should celebrate this with her.  Instead they decided to not have a family dinner to celebrate.  I knew Allysa was disappointed.  She wanted to have a dinner with them.  I decided since they did not have plans and would not celebrate I was going to take Allysa out to sushi.  We had dinner with my sister, me, Allysa, and Allysa's boyfriend.  Allysa handled her disappointment very well.  She also found out that day that she was to cover up her pregnancy from her grandparents and she had been expected to wear her graduation robe anytime her grandparents were around the day that she graduated.  Nothing like making your child feel more ashamed of herself. 

At the end of June I came out to Utah for a family reunion and we were able to spend some time together.  While I was in Utah Allysa started showing a few signs that she might start in preterm labor.  I tried to warn her but there was no one close to her who had kids that could sit down and teach her about pregnancy.  She was so closed off, at this point her life consisted of her boyfriend, PAPS, her parents, and working. 

Mid July Allysa went into early labor and started dilating.  She was in labor for at least 6 hours before she went into the hospital.  They were able to stop her and put her on bed rest plus give her some steroids to help Owen's lungs develop. 

July 28th they induced Allysathem when she was hurting and confused.  She talked to them about how she was raised.

It was just a few weeks after Owen was born that I started blogging.  I needed a way to not let go, to not literally just die.  I needed to figure out this glory of adoption.  I needed to understand better how to survive this the second time around.  I couldn't unknow my truth, I couldn't return to the fog.  I couldn't go back to LDSFS for their counseling again.  I couldn't sit on anymore boards promoting adoption (I did that after Allysa was born, I was the perfect beemommie).  I needed to write and get out my emotions.  I needed to know that there were others like me.

This post is getting extremely long, I will continue it in a second post.

Just thinking

This morning I went in and looked in the girls room.  They both love to sleep in and are pretty grumpy when you wake them up.  I just let them sleep as long as I can on weekends.  I quietly opened their door and just watched them sleep.  Such peace comes into my heart to watch these 2 sisters.  They think it is creepy that I watch them sleep but I can't help myself.  They look so peaceful, like 2 beautiful angels. 

My boys are early risers and are up usually by 6am and in the family room playing video games.  This is their quiet time just to do nothing.  I try to keep the house quiet until about 10am on weekends.  None of us are happy when the girls get woken up too early.  It takes a while for them to be able to communicate easily after they wake up.

I almost missed this.  It has taken 19 years to have my kids together.  Will it be another 19 years before we have Owen with us too?  Will his heart turn to his mother's like Allysa's has?  Will he feel the tug of his family?  Will he want his heritage, his ancestors, his family? I wish I could have a glimpse into the future.

Family pictures and the craziness

Saturday my mother-in-law wanted family pictures taken professionally.  She had planned this about 2 weeks in advance.  My brother-in-law and his girlfriend were coming up from Southern California for the weekend.  We haven't had pictures taken s a family in 5 years.  The kids have grown and changed plus Allysa and E(brother-in-law's girlfriend) were not in the last pictures.  It was time for new pictures.  We only had to coordinate 14 people's schedules.

Last Thursday night my mother-in-law hadn't been able to get a hold of the photographer she wanted to use.  I went to the mall and made an appointment at the photo studio.  I made the appointment for 7pm.  Allysa was working all day from 9am to 4pm.  I knew the very earliest she could be home, showered,  and ready for pictures was 6pm.  I told my mother-in-law about Allysa's schedule and the time she would be available.

Friday M (my mother-in-law) finally gets a hold of her photographer.  The photographer is available only at 4:30 and 5:30.  Obviously that wouldn't work.  I tried to tell M that it wouldn't work, Jer tried talking to her.  The response we got was well Allysa can just hurry.  Since she has been working for 7 hours she should already look good for pictures.  I'm frustrated as hell.  I got to tell Allysa about the time change.  She is not close to happy.  She told me to take the pictures without her (Damn she is so much like her mom).  I refuse to have family pictures without her.  After 19 years of never having family pictures with all of my children I was not about to let this happen again. 

I go back and try to explain to M and she very nicely (because she really is sweet) just says well we can take them at 5:45, I'm sure Allysa can be available by then.  I felt like I was hitting my head against a brick wall.  Was anybody listening?  6pm is the very earliest Allysa would be available, not 5:30 or 5:45.


M also decided that everyone should wear white shirts.  White stains easy, we do not own many white items of clothing.  Saturday about noon we went shopping because Cassie had absolutely no white shirts.  By this time Allysa and I had text back and forth and she had no idea how she was going to get there 15 minutes earlier Let alone 30 minutes earlier than she expected.   I was stuck in the middle between my daughter and M. 

And in this all I found out that my brother in law and E were not informed of us having family pictures until they arrived the night before.  Of course they did not pack any white shirts.  The lack of communication was making for one long day. 

Allysa realized that the only thing she could eat at the family meal after we took pictures was beans and rice.  My in-laws planned a nice tamale dinner but Allysa couldn't eat any of it.  She was freaking out about that too.  She just wanted to be able to eat what everyone else had.  She was tired of her allergies and M cooking for everyone but her.  Tamales are great but when you sit there and smell them and know you can't eat them it really sucks.  I made a vegan tamale pie that was big enough for everyone to have and Allysa wouldn't feel totally left out. But  I didn't know about Allysa's feelings about dinner until about 5pm.  I had to quickly find a good recipe and start cooking before pictures and try not to get dirty. Did I say that I am supposed to cook this on the stove but all of the burners were being used?  Let's add one more thing onto my stress level.

The photographer shows up early!!!! Shoot me now seriously, just get me out of this chaos.  She showed up about 5:10 ready to take pictures.  We decided on the 2 locations to take pictures at the house and each family went individually and then we were to do the group shot last. 

Allysa busted ass and made it by 5:45.  She was stressed, PMS-ing, in a foul mood but she was there.  We took the pictures quickly and then did the finishing touches for tamale dinner. 

Jer's aunt shows up for dinner.  Allysa does not get a long very well with her.  Allysa is open, wild, loud, and says things before she thinks (just like her mom.)  Jer's aunt is very conservative and her feathers are easily ruffled.  Having Jer's aunt there just about put Allysa's emotions over the edge.  After the first time Allysa and this aunt met Jer got a phone call from this aunt about Allysa being inappropriate. 

Allysa, her boyfriend,  and her siblings decided to eat outside.  It was cold and dark but they decided they didn't want to deal with anyone.  By this point I was so tired and drained emotionally I couldn't eat and just went upstairs to lay down and cry.  I couldn't handle making peace with everyone.  I was tired of making excuses and to soothe every one's emotions.  I had spent 2 days trying to deal and cope with everyone and make everyone at peace.  I couldn't handle sitting down and making small talk at that moment.  It was just easier to be alone.

The next day I found out from Allysa that part of the reason she was so upset was because Owen couldn't be in the picture.  Oh how I love the blessings of adoption.  It always adds another element to our everyday life.

Was/IS adopted

4. Adoption is an event that happened in a child’s life when the child joined his or her family. Using positive adoption language, notice use of verb tense. The child “was” adopted indicates that the event is past tense and already happened. To say that a child “is” adopted implies the process is still ongoing. This is not true. We would simply say, “George was adopted.”

I know I am very slow at getting these out.  It is crazy how busy with life you get when you work full time and have 4 kids and everyone is running in different directions.  I haven't had the time and energy to devote to my little ol' blog here.

The actual adoption did happen in the past but it is not something that goes away.  My daughter and grandson are adopted out of my family.  They are currently not listed as related to me or each other.  The adoption of both of them is still on going.  The issues of adoption still affect my daughter.  As Owen grows older the issues of adoption might affect him too.  Each of them will always be adopted into their families where they were raised.

Own Child

3. Adoptive families do not refer to their own children as an adopted child, a natural child, or my own child (meaning biological or by birth). All children in families are the parent’s own children.

Overall I agree with this statement.  I know everyone is shocked, right.  I think adoption should be talked about in adoptive families very openly.  Children should understand their story and it should be talked about with them from the beginning.  Children should have adults that they can go to that they trust that they can talk to.  These adults should be someone other than their parents.  Adoptees feelings should always be acknowledged.  I just don't like the word "own" in general when referring to children.  I own my car, my house, my clothes, I just do not own my children. 

Adoption should never be portrayed as you are less than because we adopted you or you are special and chosen because we adopted you.  When you are out in public or with others it should never be pointed out this is my kid and that one we adopted.  It should simply be these are my children.

People that have only known me for the last 2 or 3 years know I have 4 kids.  I do not go into detail.  I do not say but I gave up my oldest daughter.  I have 4 kids, period, the end, no explanation necessary.  People that have known me for 15 years (especially people I am not close with) only knew that I had 3 kids and now they know about Allysa and our story. 

A few weeks ago I was in mixed company.  I was at my husband's work picnic.  He works for his families business.  I was there sitting and talking with my husband's aunts and a few of my husbands coworkers and their spouses.  Of course my husband's aunts know about both Allysa and Owen.  I was not ready to go in the long explanation of our story with relative strangers/my husband's coworkers.  This one person asked, "How many kids do you have?"  At first I was slightly uncomfortable because of the aunts being there and knowing I had 4 kids but only raised 3 of them.  Would they be upset with me for not being completely honest?  For not acknowledging Allysa's other parents?  Allysa wasn't around so I didn't have to acknowledge her, she would never find out what I had told these people.  But in my soul I can't NOT acknowledge all 4 of my children.  I just said I have 4 kids, 2 boys and 2 girls, and then their ages. 

I think it should always be up to the child/adoptee to be the one to initialize the conversation with people about their adoption. We as parents do not need to put there adoption status out there for the world to know.  We need to protect our children from the ugliness of the world.  The judgement of people about adopted children.

Natural/biological/birth

We often hear biological parents of children referred to as the “natural” parents. This negatively implies that there is something unnatural about being an adoptive parent. Biological parents should simply be referred to as biological parents.

Personally I don't like to use any thing to distinguish me as mom.  I only use natural or adoptive on my blog to distinguish between the two sets of parents.  I can not fathom how natural=unnatural and birth mother does not equal death mother. 

In our society we allow each culture and race to be called as they wish.  It is only in adoption that we as mothers that gave up our children are told by others with the power (adoptive parents and agencies) what we should be called.  What is respectful to them.  What about us?  What about what we want to be called.  I can not stand to see the word "BM".  When you write down those 2 letters are you referring to bowel movement or to a person?

WRA - my thoughts

My daughter was sent to West Ridge Academy.  Was she rebellious?  Absolutely.  Was she anymore rebellious than either me or my siblings? Not really.  What was the problem then?  She was raised by parents that were/are not wired the same way as she is.  They think differently, act differently, and come to different conclusions on life.  She was always less than (or at least she felt) in their eyes.  There are numerous occasions where things were done for her sister (also adopted into the family) but not for her.  Her sister would go to the doctors if she was not feeling very well but Allysa would hurt hr knee horribly to the point she couldn't walk for days and wasn't taken to the doctor for months.  By the time she went to the doctor the damage was done and can't be reversed.  She still has problems with her knee because of the lack of immediate care. 

Emotionally Allysa wasn't really cared for either.  Having all of those things piled up and being adopted made for a train wreck.  Allysa's parents took her to counseling but only went to counselors who would agree with them.  When there was a counselor who disagreed with them and stood up for Allysa they stopped going.  Parenting is about their needs and their wants.  They expected their (adopted) child to be just like them including their heritage.  When Allysa wasn't calm or mellow enough they would put her on prescription drugs for ADD.  She does not have ADD she just has lots of energy just like her siblings, her mom, her cousins, her aunts, and uncles.

When they could not deal with her any longer they found a reform school that could.  Of course they have a beautiful website.  Are they really going to say we will break your child emotionally and spiritually?  Are they going to say we will do things to your children that you could be called on by CPS?   After all you are paying $40K to put your child in the school you hope it will help.  And it is in Utah ran by people that are LDS, it must be great.  Have you noticed that most reform schools are in Utah/Arizona/Nevada?  Places that have a lot of land and are harder for people to escape from? 

I have hiked with my children a lot.  I always tell them how far we are going, where we are staring and ending, and how much food and water to bring.  I would never just say we are hiking now, let's go.  As humans we need to know if we are going on a 1 mile hike or 25 mile hike.  We need to know how long to expect to be gone.  And will the one canteen of water really be enough.  At WRA they are not always told any of the basic information when they go for a hike.  It has only been recently that Allysa could even start to just enjoy hiking.

As a parent I want/need to know where are my children, who are they with, and how are they doing at all times.  To leave my child for anywhere for 2 weeks to 3 months without contact would be insane.  My raised children I have never even left with a babysitter that was not family.  The longest I have ever been away from them is 3 days.

My daughter has told me stories of how if you are deemed as misbehaving you can be pushed down to the ground by adults.  You will come up with scratched hands, knees, and bloody noses. as a parent am I allowed to do that to my children?  No, I could have CPS called on me if my husband and I took any of our children and pushed them to the ground hard enough to cause bleeding.

You also have other teenagers that will try to cause trouble with you because they don't like you.  Think of high school 24-7 with all drama and no breaks for months on end.  From what I could tell about this reform school kids learn to lie better and cover up their feelings.  It does not heal them. It does make it so parents have 1 to 2 years off of raising their teenage child. 

I have also seen that a lot of adoptees are put into this school.  Many become pregnant while they are not married within 2 years of graduating from WRA.  A lot of these same teenagers/now mothers "make an adoption plan". 

Knowing these things, is this the loving school that is advertised?  Would you put your child at a reform school?  Most importantly would you want to be sent to one of these schools?

Adoptive parents=Real Parents

Positive Adoption Language #1. The adoptive parents are the “real” parents. The real parents are the grown-ups who will take care of the child every day and for the rest of their lives. When referring to who gave birth to the child, simply say birth parent or birth woman. A biological father is not referred to as the real father, but the biological one

I am assuming that positive adoption language is used to build up one side and tear apart the other.  PAL is used for the the parents that purchase the child, the agencies real customers. 

Real parents huh?  Here I was thinking that adoptees had 4 very real parents.  Are any of them imaginary?  If they are living breathing humans than they are very real.  My daughter has 5 very real parents.  The two that raised her, the two that created her, and the one that loves her because she is my daughter, part of our family, and a beautiful person.  (Jeremy if you are reading this that is about you).

Adoptive parents take care of their children for the rest of their lives.  It is nice to know that adoptees never grow up and continue to be taken care of. does that include diapering and bottle feeding until they die? 

My daughter's adoptive parents gave guardianship of her to a West Ridge Academy when she was about 15 years old.  They gave up the parenting responsibilities. I wonder should the caregivers at WRA be considered parents also?  If a child is raised with nannies and care givers than those people should be considered real parents also.

Positive Adoption Language

I just wanted to dissect the PAL that I found here

Before I get into each section I wanted everyone to see it.  My next few posts will be about PAL.  After reading this it leaves me wondering who the positive adoption language is for?

"Words are very powerful. Positive adoption language aims to end the negative stereotypes and misconceptions regarding adoption, while educating others that all families look different and form in different ways. Here are some keys to positive adoption language.

1. The adoptive parents are the “real” parents. The real parents are the grown-ups who will take care of the child every day and for the rest of their lives. When referring to who gave birth to the child, simply say birth parent or birth woman. A biological father is not referred to as the real father, but the biological one.

2. We often hear biological parents of children referred to as the “natural” parents. This negatively implies that there is something unnatural about being an adoptive parent. Biological parents should simply be referred to as biological parents.

3. Adoptive families do not refer to their own children as an adopted child, a natural child, or my own child (meaning biological or by birth). All children in families are the parent’s own children.

4. Adoption is an event that happened in a child’s life when the child joined his or her family. Using positive adoption language, notice use of verb tense. The child “was” adopted indicates that the event is past tense and already happened. To say that a child “is” adopted implies the process is still ongoing. This is not true. We would simply say, “George was adopted.”

5. When speaking about adoption, it is important to note that birth parents make an adoption plan to place the child in a home to be cared for and raised. The child who was adopted was not “given away” or “unwanted.” The child should know he or she is loved and an adoption plan was created for them to live in a forever family.

6. Children born to unmarried parents are simply referred to as that. Using positive adoption language, the child is would never be referred to as “illegitimate.” Every human being is a true miracle and has a legitimate place on the Earth.

7. Children who were adopted and later seek out their biological parents should not be referred to as “trying to track down their real parents.” The child is “searching” for biological parents. If they meet, it is not a “reunion,” but instead referred to as “making contact.”

8. A child adopted from another country is not a “foreign” child. The word foreign implies that it does not belong. Instead, the child is from abroad.

9. Using positive adoption language, we would never refer to a child as “adopted,” just as we would never say an “IVF” baby, a failed contraception baby, or a c-section baby.

10. Adoption is a private matter between a child and his or her family. All families form in different ways, are all equally beautiful, and should be respected as such."

I spoke too soon

I received a phone call this afternoon from LDSFS.  They had a copy of Allysa's OBC and her adoption decree in her adoption file.  Since Allysa already knows who I am they just sent over the file by email.  We now have a copy of her OBC!!!! We do not have to go to court or do anything else.  I guess it helps to be the squeaky wheel.

my beloved agency....

About a month ago Allysa and I went to LDSFS.  We are trying to get her adoption file opened and see if they are able to also help to get her OBC.  I hadn't heard back so last Thursday I called.  I was told the person (the SW) I needed to talk to wouldn't be in until Monday morning.  I didn't hear back on Monday, so I called yesterday around 4.   The person still was not there.  I finally received a call back this morning.  She has been trying to get a hold of the adoption lawyer but has heard nothing.  Basically how it was explained is the agency can not pull it's own files from Salt Lake City.  They have to have a lawyer request it.  But the lawyer is on retainer through the agency.  Are you still following me?  A lawyer that is not on payroll but retained has to ask for the paperwork from the agency's headquarters.

Basically after a month we are still at square one with the agency.  I remember when I was pregnant if I had a question or concern I would get a call back immediately.  But now that it has been 19 years since I placed, and they have received money from 2 families that adopted my descendants, I'm put on the back burner. It makes me feel so warm and loved all over....blah.(I don't think I could feel more used).  At least I know now that they were really after, a new born infant.  Now that Allysa is an adult and we are asking questions and wanting documents we are less than.  We are not important as a woman experiencing an unplanned pregnancy, we are the aftermath.