I want more

2 years ago I would have done anything to know Alyssa's adopted name.  I thought if i just knew that and her Aparents name it would be enough.  A little over a year ago I thought I would be fine with being able to be friends with Alyssa on face book.  Once we were friends on face book I thought maybe just talking on the phone would be enough.  Once we talked on the phone I thought maybe meeting in person just once would fill up the whole in my heart.  Now I am saying if I could just have one holiday with my daughter that is all I want. 

Today is just rough, I want more I guess.  I know it is selfish to want my daughter with me when it's just as important to her Aparents that she is with them.  I cried a few times today just because the pain is pretty raw today.   I know I'm supposed to be thankful but I'm not feeling it. 

From the adoptees I know personally it is the same for them.  One of Alyssa's friends who is adopted asked me to help her find her natural mom.  She said she didn't want to meet or anything just wanted to know her natural mom's name.  that's all just wanted her mom's name.  She now has her natural mom's name and wants more.  She wants to know what her natural mom looks like.  Once she knows where her mom is and what she looks like will she want a relationship with her natural mom?  Will it be enough for her?

November 23

I am going to make this very short.  Last night Kenny got cut on his hand at the Boy scout Court of Honor. HE is the only kid that I know that can hurt himself at a place where they are giving out awards and food.   We took him to the ER and he got glued instead of stitches.  He also had to get a tetanus shot.  He is totally worn out today.  Those shots are more painful than the cut itself.

 As we were headed over to the ER after we got the bleeding reduced.  I thought I should let Alyssa know what was going on.  I am afraid that she feels left out of our lives since she lives so far away.  I sometimes feel as if I don't include her enough in family things and let her know what is going on.  Mom guilt is so much fun.

Last night I was thinking that it would have been really nice for Alyssa to be at my house since Alex and Cassie were home alone getting ready for bed.  Alyssa handles Cassie so well, where as Alex being a 16year old boy has no maternal instinct.

November 22

I am a bit down today not only is Owen almost 4 months old but I have another Holiday season without all of my kids.   My sisters and nieces have asked me if Alyssa is going to be joining us for Thanksgiving or Christmas.  I have to tell them no not this year.  I know she doesn't want to hurt her aparents.  I truly do understand that plus she gets paid more to work the holidays.  I know I am being absolutely selfish for wanting my daughter and grandson for the holidays, but I still want to see them.  I'm tired of always putting every one's needs in front of my own when it comes to adoption and wanting time with my daughter. 

 I am beyond frustrated at LDSFS.  A few weeks ago my daughter asked for her non-identifying  and identifying information from them.  She was told she could not get her identifying information.  She wants proof that she has gone through the right process to get her OBC.  So we started the process first with non id, then id, then last we will try to get her OBC.  So she calls up her closest LDSFS in Utah.  They did not ask her what state she was born in.  They did not ask what state the adoption was finalized in.  They just told her she was not allowed to get her identifying information.  Without knowing what state she was born in and the adoption finalized in how can they tell her what she is allowed and not allowed to have.  I called up my local LDSFS in California and told them what Alyssa was told in Utah.  They said have her call up a LDSFS again and ask to talk to someone else.  She is allowed to get her identifying information. 

Last week LDSFS called up my daughter to pick up her non-identifying information.  My daughter asked them how she can get her OBC.  The lady at LDSFS actually told her that her original OBC gets destroyed when the adoption is finalized.  Really?  What kind of people work at adoption agencies?  If they are misleading adoptees after they turn 18 how can we trust them as natural mothers to have our best interest at heart?  My daughter who knows the facts about adoption laws is being mislead.  What are they telling all of the other adoptees wanting to search? 

I keep reading that very few adoptees actually search and want to know their natural families.  Is that really true or is it they are given the wrong information from agencies so they won't search?  This is the agency that we trusted to help us make the most difficult decision of our life and now when we have adult children they lie to them. 

November 21 - open adoption

According to our culture there is now open adoption.  The kinder gentler version of adoption.  What do you consider open adoption? I consider open adoption when a natural family can see the child when they ask to.  The child can get to know their family.  I do not consider it open if the Aparents have to check there schedule and get back to you.  When my nieces or other family members want to see me I don't check my schedule and then tell them I will let them know later when we can get together.  They call me and we usually get together that day or within 3 days at the most after.  Why? Because I am not putting them off or avoiding them.  I want to see them as soon as possible.  If adoption is "the loving decision".  Shouldn't it be a two way street?  Should it always be the natural mother making the ultimate sacrifice?  Shouldn't the Aparents put aside some of there fear and jealousy and make a sacrice too?

My daughters adoption was considered open because we exchanged letters annually through  the adoption agency.  We did not ever exchange identifying information, no names, address, or pictures for the first 15 years.  I did receive pictures of my daughter until she was about 4.  No other family members were allowed in the pictures.  They did not receive pictures of me, that was against the rules according to LDSFS.

According to NCFA there should not be laws to allow natural parents to see there children.  According to NCFA open adoption is okay but circumstances change after adoption and PAP should not be obligated to keep there promises to natural parents according to this article https://www.adoptioncouncil.org/images/stories/documents/461-468_PM0000_CH43.pdf

National Council for Adoption is not an advocate for natural parents or adoptees, it is an advocate for adoptive parents only.  I was absolutely surprised by this article.  So basically the article says if the adoptive parents change there minds about openess once the adoption is finalized then the natural family is screwed and just deal with it. 

Now if something happens between myself and my kids and I want to see my grand kids I have the legal right as a grandparent unless I am deemed unfit by law.  There is such a thing as grandparents right and visitation can be legally enforced.  But for a child that is adopted out of the family we have no legal rights to see our flesh and blood no matter what was promised preadoption.  We can be woman of the year but still deemed unfit to see our own flesh and blood by the adoptive couple.

How many kids do you have?

About 6 weeks ago we went to a reunion at my husbands Elementary school. He went to a Catholic Elementary school from K to 8th grade.  Every year they have a big carnival festival every year and they have a place for the alumni to reunite.  So there I am a nice quiet Mormon girl at a Catholic school reunion.   My husband was talking to old friends that he hasn't seen for years.  Our kids are wandering around being bored and alternatively playing hide and go seek.  He was talking to old friends, people he sees only every few years.  They asked how many kids we have.  He answered 3.  I was seriously hurt to my core.  I wasn't angry I was just devastated.  After I asked him why he didn't say 4?  Which of my 4 kids did he leave out?  Because I have 4 kids.  He said he wasn't sure how to answer that when he was asked.  But he said if it meant so much to me, and it is true after all, then he will say we have 4 kids. One simple question and so many answers.

We are on a bit of uncharted territory, no one tells you any of this.   No one really tells you about reunion and reuniting as a family.  The most I was ever told was that we might never meet, that my daughter probably would have no desire to meet me.  But I could get identifying information when my daughter turned 21 if the laws did not change and my daughter signed a consent form. 

Usually at our house we don't sit down and discuss adoption or how many kids we have.  A lot of things have changed over this last year.  First of all the biggest is we are reunited and we are all crazy about this long lost daughter, sister, niece, cousin.  Second thing was we lost another person to adoption. My daughter now knows the pain of being an adoptee which she always lived with but now a natural mother too.  That in itself is a huge change. 

When we were just writing letters Jeremy started writing my daughter.   I never asked him to he just did it.  Since we have reunited my husband has treated my daughter as if she were his.  He is very gentle, a little quiet, but a great sense of compassion.  He always knows right from wrong and does what is morally right.  He never brings up adoption unless I do.   He sometimes doesn't see me eye to eye on everything but when it comes to adoption he doesn't debate it.  Adoption is way too personal for me.  The thing that took away part of my heart and soul.  The thing that has taken away my daughter and grandson that is the one thing I will not debate.

Genetics

I was talking with Alyssa yesterday and she was telling me how her boyfriend's mom was commenting how thin Alyssa was.  I have met this woman she has seen that I am on the small side but Alyssa's Aparents are bigger than I am.  Alyssa just looked at her and said I take after my real mom.  I know some people will be offended by her term of real mom.  But each person is allowed to choose how they refer to all of their parents.

I don't know about any other natural moms but Alyssa and I both lost our baby weight within a few weeks after placing our first child for adoption.  Alyssa is about a size 4 only 3 and a half months after having Owen.  Shoot I lost about 5 to 7 pounds after she placed Owen.  That is just the way our bodies deal with high stress.  Surrendering a child is extreme high stress.  I deal with the death of a family member better than I deal with the loss of my first child and grandchild to adoption.    A death is expected. we  know everyone will die.  Losing a family member to adoption is tragic you never expect to lose any family members to adoption.  You don't expect laws to try to break ties to ancestors and descendants.

I know people expect you to look like your parents including your adoptive parents but you have no genetic linkage to your adoptive parents.  You look as much like them as any genetic stranger.  So often when people have met Alyssa and realize how much she looks like me and that we have the same mannerism they are surprised.  After all I didn't raise her so how can she take after me?  How is it possible that we are so in tuned to each other?  It's very simple.  There is and always will be a bond between mother and child.  We know things instinctively about each other and we are wired the same way because genetically she is half me.

November 18 - Adoption - Falsified documents

Is adoption as it is today justified, right or moral? I don't believe it is.  In adoption, a child's birth certificate is replaced by a falsified birth certificate - an amended birth certificate.  Even my daughter at a very young age couldn't understand why her aparents were listed on her birth certificate.  They adopted her they never gave birth to her they do not share her DNA, linage, or her family.   A child can see that it isn't right, how as adults do we justify it?  A child's name is changed, the parents are changed,  sometimes the birth date is changed, and even the city and county can be changed.  Can we get anymore false of a document?

 If you believe that that practice is honorable then by all means, continue to believe in adoption.  I do not approve that any birth certificate is  sealed  by our government because another set of parents wanted to parent a child. The same goal can be accomplished by guardianship which does not seal and falsify a child’s birth certificate. Nor does Guardianship destroy  any ongoing visitation, contact,  and relationship building with the child’s extended natural family. Adoption tries to destroy these bonds.

Falsified birth certificates changes an adoptee’s identity and that is an immoral intended consequence of adopting a child. Provide a home with parents, but keep the child’s birth identity intact!  Guardianship by a caring couple only after all other possible solutions to the child’s care are exhausted.   The only humane thing in adoption is to keep all natural ties.  I know it is hard on the adoptive couple.  After all they want a child.  They didn't want an extended family.  But no child is a blank slate.  Every single child has parents,  has ancestors, is already wired with their looks and personality.  I know the concern is "but what if the natural parents bond too much with their child?"  Of course they will bond.  They have bonded for 9 months before the child was adopted.  I am still bonded with my daughter even though we were separated for 18 years.  That does not mean a child will not learn to bond with adoptive parents too.  Do we bond with more than 1 sibling?  Do we bond with more than one aunt, uncle, friend, grandparent?  Then a child can bond with multiple parents too.

A child's birth certificate should NEVER be sealed and NEVER falsified and those are consequences to the adoptee of the adoption process. This affects the identity of the adoptee forever, and that of their children and subsequent generations.  It is very hard to do a  genealogical search and find documents to prove lineage once an adoption takes place. An adoptee’s lineage is sealed upon adoption. That is immoral, unjust, unethical as if the adoptee is an owned person.  The child by law is no longer part of his, family, tribe, or ancestors.  The child has been bought and now belongs to a whole new family.  Yes I consider when you pay for and get a receipt you have bought a child.   I know the positive adoption language is adopt but it really is the same thing.