My crazy week part 1

What a week, I hope to never relive such a tough week again, I really don’t know if tested if I would live through it. There has only been a 2 other times in my life that I have felt so low and just wanted to die. If you are going to respond to this post with anything insensitive please walk away now. I can’t deal with it I am at my breaking point.

The 26^th my daughter started getting crazy texts from her ex that was definitely harassing/stalking. He didn’t stop for hours. My daughter was working when he was texting her. She repeatedly asked him to leave her alone and he kept on with his crap. She ended up driving home when her shift was over and had a panic attack. She had to pull over and just try to calm herself down. Of course on Sunday the 27th was Alyssa's birthday.

On Wednesday I was on face book and I saw a status update from Owens adoptive mom saying “As of yesterday Owen is officially our son. We were able to finish the paperwork in court yesterday. It was an amazing experience. Thank you to everyone who has helped along the way. We will be sealed on Saturday and blessing him on Sunday. We are so blessed to have this sweet little boy in our lives and count ourselves privileged to be his parents. Thank you Thank you Thank you.” Wow to get that as a facebook status instead of a phone call, it was as if my daughter was a mere acquaintances and bystanders in this.  I knew my daughter did not know.  I talk to Alyssa several times a day and if she knew she would have told me.  Of that I am sure.  So what should I do?

I knew Alyssa does not have internet at her house and she does at work.  So she might see it at work and have no one to support her or hopefully she doesn't see it at all.  I couldn't risk her seeing it at work with no support. So I texted her boyfriend let him know what was going on and asked him does he want to tell her in person or does he want me to call her I just wanted to make sure he was home with her.  I didn't want her to be alone and hurting.   I knew she would feel cheated and heart broken to see this on face book. I knew it would deeply hurt her. She assumed Owens adoptive mom would call her own parents and fill them in on the news but Owens natural mom was left to read it on face book. It is such a deep hurt and slap in the face.   This couple had promised my daughter that she would be part of their family that they were joining each other but now from our point of view it seems so different.  We made it through Wednesday and we were still alive

My next trial was Thursday and I was not prepared for this in the slightest.  Before I tell you what happened you have to understand that adoption does affect us mothers on such a deep level. It affects every decision we make with our raised children. I was talking with Kenny Thursday night who is 14. I found out he had a girlfriend which is weird because he rarely keeps things from me especially about a new girlfriend.  I told him I liked her but her parents will not allow her to have a boyfriend and they shouldn't do things behind her parents back.  He took it as I didn’t like his new gf so he left the house. Yes he just walked out and left. He texted me and said I was making him choose between his gf and me. When all I said was I don’t like it that his gf won’t tell her parents they are together. I just texted him and said I love you please come home. He replied no. So I went to look for him and found him. It made him run. I am freaking out on the inside but calm on the outside. I asked my husband to just bring my baby home but be gentle and don't scare him.

A few minutes later my 14 year old came in and we talked. I told him how it scared me when he left I didn’t know where he was or if someone would kidnap him it was at night and very dark. I told him I already had one child that I did not know for years if she was alive or dead, happy or sad, I can’t live through that again. We both cried, hugged, and apologized.

And to top all of this off I have been working more hours than normal at my job and things have been chaotic over there.
A few weeks ago we had received a card in the mail announcing that the adoptive parents of Owen were celebrating their forever family on Saturday the 5^th. I was flying in to see Owen and to be there for Alyssa. I knew it would be hard but I didn’t know how extremely hard.

I will continue this on my next post.

What makes a mom?

"Conception, nine months of pregnancy and 3-36 hours of labor do not a mother make - motherhood requires a lifetime of service."
"You do have instant love for a baby when they are first born, but that love grows beyond belief when you take care of them. Each diaper you change, each bottle you feed, each sleepless night rocking your baby, trying to comfort them. Your love grows stronger and stronger. Just because your adoptive mom adopted you does not mean she has any less love for you than my mom, who carried me in her womb, or I for my five children. It is the selfless service that you render to your child that makes you love them so much. I'm sure you have noticed this in your visits with your son."

I have seen these comments on blogs by parents that never had a child die or lost a child to adoption.  These are by parents that never adopted and are not looking into adoption.  It makes me wonder if people think the love you have for a child subsides because you are not in contact with them, you are not raising them or if  the child dies at birth.  From my experience my love for Alyssa is no different than my love for my other children.  I only changed her diaper for a few days, I never breast fed her, and I did not raise her.  Yet i still love her the same as if i had done those things.

My grandmother lost her son over 60 years ago.  He would have been about 65 if he lived.  He was born full term but only lived for a few hours.  My grandma and I were visiting his grave about 10 years ago and she cried.  She still loves and mourns him. Does anyone truly believe that this woman loves her son any different than her other 4 children just because she never changed his diaper and she did not raise him?  My other grandma also lost a child, a daughter when the baby was just days old.  15 years ago my grandma could barely say the name "Kathy" when talking about this child without crying.  Do you truly believe because she never raised this child that the love is any less?

Is it really the selfless service that makes you love your children so much?  I am not saying adoptive parents do not love their children the same way as a natural parent does.  I am saying that just because a natural parent does not raise a child does not mean that the natural mother loves a child any less than the adoptive parents.  It seems that as a society we forget that.  We try to ignore the natural parent and make them less than.  I often see the same thing happen to adoptees.  Society wants them to be solely loyal to the adoptive family because they put in the time and money to the child.  To acknowledge that an adoptee wants and loves the natural family seems to be a very hard concept.  I do not understand why that is so hard to comprehend.

19th birthday

Alyssa minutes old - not even fully cleaned up yet.

I finally got to hold her

Alyssa about 5 days old I was able to see her one last time before placement.

I was going to post a blog that was well thought out about mothers, our rights, and feelings but instead this is just going to be purely emotional. 

February 27 1992 at around 8:05pm, my first child was born.  She was the most beautiful person I had ever seen.  I could not fathom that she was my child, she was a miracle to say the least.  I loved her, I held her, I didn't want to let her go ever.  As soon as I could hold her I just cuddled with her, I counted her toes and fingers I made she she was healthy and she knew she was loved forever.  I barely let go of her for the next 3 days.

Alyssa turns 19 and we met in person 1 year ago....finally!  I thought her birthdays would become easier once reunion came but they are not.  It is not harder but than before but the pain and sadness are still here.  We are still separated by 800 miles.  She still feels the pain of being adopted.  We still missed out on years of being mother and daughter.  She still and always will feel pulled between both families.  Who rationally would choose that for their child for eternity?  Being pulled between both families natural and adopted, never feeling like you fully belong.  She still has issues because she was separated from me at birth.  And worse she is now a natural mom with no rights to her son.  Can you imagine a worse punishment in this world than being both an adoptee and a natural mom?

She sent me a text today and I hope she doesn't mind me sharing it.  "I've been so irritable and everything.  Today is really hard for me because I know 19 years ago you were still holding me I miss you so much"  Adoption the gift that keeps on giving.

Adoption loss and redemption

For so many years I have basically felt alone on this road of losing a child to adoption.  Adoption is not normal or natural.  After a very short time I closed down my feelings because so many people did not get it or understand.  I was not ready to educate people about adoption, besides I was in the adoption unicorn and rainbows land even though I felt the loss.   I felt like I was doing my daughter a favor by giving her more.  I was often told by well meaning people "what a great sacrifice", what a selfless act",  "you made a couple so happy", "don't worry you will meet your daughter again", or "you should just forget about it"or even better "you will have more children".  There have been people in my own family that never fully understood the loss that adoption is.  They would hold me and try to comfort me but never seemed to truly understand what sadness it is to lose your child to adoption.  The depth of sorrow is unimaginable.

It wasn't until Alyssa lost Owen that they are realizing that it is a major irrevocable loss.  It is like reliving it all over again but seeing it from a totally different perspective.  My family didn't realize that adoption loss stays with a mother forever.  Mother's move on and carry on with their life but that horrible loss changes them. The pain is hidden but stays with them.   After meeting Alyssa they realize that she does and always has belonged in our family.  She is so much like us in looks and personality.  She is like a missing piece to our puzzle.  They realize she has hurt directly related to being adopted. It is not about having good, bad, great, awful adoptive parents.

Now with Owen being adopted it is a loss.  It is relived and more intense for us because we know what is going on, we are no longer blinded by flowery words.  We know the pain we have and continue to live it.  But more of my family are coming out of the fog with the realization that adoption is not a great option.  Adoption does not make a forever family and the child is not born in some one's heart.  Every child is born into a family.  Every child has a mother and a father.   Adoption creates loss not only for the mother but the child also.  Seriously I don't know why that fact never occurred to us when I had Alyssa. Looking back I see we were to far into the fog to realize the truth.

I knew the loss for me but I never knew she would have a loss from losing me, her mother.  It wasn't until I listened to her that I realized that she had a very deep loss. It is interesting to see my family finally come out of the adoption fog after almost 2 decades.  It is absolutely shocking to say the least.  They have not said you should not have placed her and we are sorry you did.  But it is very close to that.  I know they worry about her adoptive parents and their feelings.  They don't want to overstep their boundaries.  They realize for better or worse Alyssa has 2 real families. They realize that Owen has 2 families.  I think they are realizing that it is best to keep children when ever possible with their mothers, to support mothers.  The loss that both the mother and child feels is great and will last a life time. 

I think that is why I get so caught up in adoptee rights as much as I get caught up in rights for mothers.  I can not change the past but I need to fight for my daughter, for my grandson, and for my daughter's adopted sister (the other child that was adopted by Alyssa's adoptive parents).  Until they have every right to have free and open access to their pasts, their heritage, their ancestors,  their natural family, their medical information, and their birth certificates I will continue for them.  I can not go out to San Antonio this year but come 2012 I want to be there. I hope I will have Alyssa and my friend Melynda beside me in San Antonio.

 I want to help other mother's to not feel pressured and coerced into adoption.  I will continue on for them.  Even the mothers and adoptees that are still in the fog I will fight for them.  As long as one mother feels coerced or pressured to place that is one mother too many.  One mother that realized after signing away her rights that just hours later that she regrets it is one mother too many.    Every mother that has tried to get her child back days after signing and told that it is too late is one too many mothers.  Every single mother that is lied to about the adoption or told half truths is one too many.  I as a mother of loss, as a mother of an adoptee will fight for equal access and rights for every person.

Alyssa

Alyssa is the hardest for me to write about partly because she reads my blog and because I did not raise her.   I know if I say anything slightly negative I will get the response of "You refused to raise her so you can't say anything"  Or If I put anything positive about her I will get "See she was better off without you" .  I feel as if I am in a catch 22. 

I can't base my opinion of Alyssa on the letters we wrote because everything had to be superficial and sugar coated.  I can base my thinking of her only in what I have seen in person.  Only on the beautiful person I know today.

I have seen Alyssa mature and grow so much this last year.  When we finally met in person, after being separated 17 years and 51weeks,  almost exactly a year ago she was talkative and outgoing.  We talked about everything.  I could see there was part of her that wanted to be loved and accepted but she wouldn't let people in too close.  She had a wall up, she would only let me in so far.  She pretended everything was great and happy but there was a sadness and need in her eyes.  She tried to be the life of the party and entertain everyone but once you got past that there was a hurt and wounded young woman.  She needed someone to accept her for who she was without their own needs and wants being in the way.  She needed someone to believe that she was enough as she was.  She didn't need to change and be different than herself, who she was meant to be.

 I just wanted to hold her and stroke her hair but she barely wanted a hug at the time. She was loving and outgoing too.  She seemed to want to be free of a lot of things.  She wanted to explore this world.   She had so much hurt in her life she seemed to be waiting for the next person to knock her down.  So often I would text her or talk to her and if it was an emotional subject she would cut me off.  She seemed afraid of her feelings and afraid I would hurt her again too.  She allowed others to knock her down emotionally.  She very rarely stood up for herself, but she is fiercely protective of those she loves and counts as her family.  As I had told her at one time that I need to teach her to grow some balls.  It was not okay to allow people to walk all over you and control you.  I loved her too much to watch these things happen to her.  I have watched as the people around her that profess to love her kick her while she is down.  She always makes an excuse for them when it is happening.

There has been so many times lately where she has told me of things that have happened in this last year to her.  I have asked why didn't you tell me when it was going on.  She would just say oh I didn't want to upset you or I knew you would be angry at this person.  These were things that were not minor but pretty major, things that other people did to intentionally hurt her and lower her self esteem. 

Alyssa works in a home for the mentally disabled full time and she does night shifts at least once a week too.  I know I could not easily work there I just do not have the patience.  I have seen her with the people that she works for and she is so loving and gentle.  She even worked there most of her pregnancy until she was put on bed rest.  This is a woman that was made to feel that she did not have the skills to raise her own child but she can take care of the mentally and physically handicapped on a daily basis.  Those things are so contradictory to me.  People that should have built her up have torn her down.

I also found out that I can not text or talk on the phone about deep emotional things with her.  She needs to see that the reason I am saying things is because I love her.  That is also the only way she opens up is when she is looking at someone in the eye.  She needs to know that she is protected and loved.  She needs to know that she is important to you. 

Sh is the type of person that would give you the shirt off of her back.  She always tries to make sure everyone else is comfortable and doing okay.  She would rather suffer than allow anyone else to. 

She is smart and so easy going.  She really doesn't have a mean streak in her body unless you mess with the ones she loves.  In these last 6 months I have seen her mature and learn to love herself.  She is starting to speak up for herself and realize that her opinions are okay and wanted.  She still does not intentionally try to hurt anyone.  She realizes what she wants in life and she is starting to go after those goals.  She has cut out a lot of people out that are hurtful to her.  I m so proud of her not just because she is my daughter but because the amazing smart beautiful woman that she is.

Alyssa was about 2 days old and my sister and was visiting me with her 2 kids. 

We thought this was one of  the last time Shana or I would ever see Alyssa again.

Alyssa holding Owen at a visit.

Alyssa having a friend take a picture of her

Alyssa and I in Tahoe  - mom and daughter finally back together.

Alyssa's new post

I was just reading my daughters latest post.  She was pouring out her heart with the good and bad in her life.  As alot of us do she was saying things that are so hard to say in the normal world.  Things that we need to get out of our system. Our hurt and pain that others try to minimize. Below is her post and then after that is some mans "encouraging" comments.  Oh he got my blood boiling.  He uses nice words but still tries to tear her down.  He came acrossed, atleast to me,  as to say if you just closed your legs in the first place you wouldn't be in this situation and your son is better off without you. 


"I cannot help but to think of the song "Hello I'm in delaware" by city and colour whenever I am in my car driving. I also can't help but to think of Owen and where I would be if I kept him. He is constantly on my mind and in my heart. I can't stop thinking of him, I can't stop loving him. Hello I'm in Delaware
I feel like I am standing still waiting for him to come back to me but I know he won't. At least not for another 18 years. I was surrounded by people who were pressuring me to place, including my asshole boyfriend at the time. He would say things such as "I am not helping you raise an angry exboyfriend's child". I felt like I had to place, I felt like I had no choice. The people who raised me weren't supportive of keeping either. I just didn't know I could do it on my own with so many people against it. The people I thought truly loved me couldn't comprehend loving my son. I've moved out and on since then, I've learned to forgive. I am living with my best friend Kristen, her boyfriend and mine which is Kristen's boyfriend's step brother. They help me through the hard times when no one could when I lived with my adoptive parents. The other day, the adoptive couple sent me a photo of Owen, Ian was over my shoulder when I was opening the text message and I looked at him and he had the biggest smile on his face. He did the same thing when I wrote on my calendar that I get to see Owen on the 24th. Where was this man a year ago? I ask myself that everyday. He told me he would have still been with me even if I kept Owen and that he would be his dad. What 19 year old would be willing to take on that responsibility and say something as powerful as that? The last guy I was serious was 10 years older than him and he still never would say anything like that. He told me it would have ended if I kept Owen. He told me everytime I came back upon seeing Owen I shouldnt anymore. How could someone be so cruel? Yes, it is hard seeing someone call my son their own but he is still my son. He always has been, he always will be. He plays a huge role in my life and my decisions. It is incredible being with someone who loves Owen like his own. It is the best when I catch Ian looking through photos of Owen and asking about him.

There is nothing more falsified than an ammended birth certificate. There is also nothing more corrupt than purchasing a human life to build a "family". Owen will always be part of my family. Owen is my family. I love more than I ever could have imagined possible and it is the most amazing thing in the world.

Now a little bit about Ian. Love at first sight? This could be very possible. I met him through Kristen and Brandon. The first day he met me he told me I am 100% his type of girl. On January 26th after his birthday festivities with my family were over, we were laying in bed talking. He said he has something he wants to tell me and I said what is it? and he said he should wait until the morning. Of course, me being Anderson cannot wait for things so I got it out of him. He told me "I am in love with you". He means it, you can see it in his eyes and see it how he treats me. I feel the same for him. He is the kind of guy I have always wanted but never had and I love every minute I spend with him."

His comments were

"And this, my dear Kara, is why you wait to be intimate until AFTER you find and marry your Ian.

You call it corrupt that a committed couple is willing to take Owen as their own? and provide Owen the loving environment he deserves? that you were unwilling to wait until you were ready to fully provide?

You say you felt like you had to place Owen - and you were right to do so. As soon as you have sex you invite a life and if one comes, your own life, your own wants become secondary. I think "the people who raised" you and the others you "thought truly loved" you really do love you and comprehend your feelings for Owen. All too well. They're parents too and they know what goes into raising a child.

Don't confuse their refusal to place your wants above a helpless infant's needs as a lack of love on their part. Learn from this experience. Let Ian court you properly and then, when married, welcome Owen's brothers and sisters into a loving, nourishing home capable of providing emotionally, physically, spiritually all that a child needs.

Another "most amazing thing in the world" is that you will love each of your children just as much. It's unbelievable how you feel your heart will burst with one and then you find you have the capacity to love each one that much!

God is good, He loves you, and you can have many more things you never "could have imagined possible" if you'll follow His outline for happiness.

Bro. Arnell "

 

Cassie

I honestly never thought I would be given a chance to raise another daughter.  It is very scary to me to raise a daughter after placing Alyssa.  I am afraid of messing up with her.  What if I am not good enough for her just like I was with Alyssa.  Those thoughts have gone through my head so many times.

 I do love Cas so much.  She can be challenging at times but she is also amazing and so smart.  We can just talk for hours about the things she wants to do and what is going on with school and friends.  She is protective over her friends.  Her life is revolving more and more around friendships than family.  I feel her starting to pull away at times and that is okay.  It won't be long before she is on her own.  She needs the confidence to make good decisions and rely on herself.  She also needs her family to be able to be there for her to help pick up the pieces.  I know the next few years can be difficult emotionally for her and my job as her mother is to love her and help her through.

 The one thing Cassie has taught me more than anything else is patience.  She is very strong willed.  She is at the point in her life that she is starting to trust herself.  She is building self confidence, she is realizing her choices are hers alone.  She has always dressed herself since she was about 2 years old.  Some of those outfit combinations were horrendous.  I had wondered where her fashion taste comes from.  She is starting to pull clothes together that look cute and age appropriate.   Age appropriate can be very hard at 12 years old.

Cassie's opinions are ALWAYS changing.  One day her favorite food will be spaghetti and the next day she will hate it.  She tells me that was yesterday mom can't you keep up.  Because of her age her emotions are everywhere. Even her favorite color changes on a daily basis.  I often remind myself this too shall pass.  She will only be 12 once in her life.  She has discovered boys but realizes that friends are more important than any boy. 

She is taking dance and viola.  She absolutely loves the viola and likes dance but she isn't sure how far she will go with dance.  She has talked about going into the fashion industry when she is older.  She loves to design clothes and is big into make up,  hair, and fashion.  She has a bit of a shoe obsession too just like me.

Cassie loves family game night which we try to do at least once a week.  Currently the game of choice is Uno Attack.  She loves spending time with her older cousins too.  She does think our family is weird because we cook dinner every night,  we sit at the table together, and we talk to each other while we eat dinner.  Oh the horrors!

Kenny and Cassie are each others best friends and worst enemy. They are so close in age but Kenny tries to be the older protective brother.  Cassie finds that trait annoying.  They love each other to death but also know each others buttons to push that will annoy the other.   Kenny has tried to intimidate guys that like Cassie but I had to put a stop to that.   It is not cool for a freshman to threaten a 7th grader for looking at his sister. 

We are working on Cassie controlling her anger and she now goes to her room to calm down when she is upset.  She does yell and scream as she goes into her room and she does have to put quarters in the jar for each thing she says that is disrespectful to a family member. As long as I stay calm she calms down very fast.   I will post about the money jar later.

Cassie lets me know when she needs to talk and when she needs to cuddle. She wants more alone time with me than the boys ever did.  She claims to hate hiking but once we start and hike about a mile she is positive and happy.  She loves to be in nature but hates to admit that to anyone.  One of her favorite things is the beach.  She can sit on the sand and just watch the ocean for hours.  We try to go to the beach at least 5 times between May and September.  Every few weeks we try to do something as a family.  We have done Nerf fight at the park with my sisters family.  Beaches and hiking are always fun.  We haven't gone in a while but Cas loves going to the Monterey Bay Aquarium or visiting Pier 39. 

She can be so feisty one minute then gentle and loving the next minute.  I love that she is my daughter.  I love our time alone that we can just talk.  I love her smile and silly laugh.  I even love when she comes in my room in the mornings and cuddles.