Friday night obviously the grief had hit hard. There are many reasons, but really living with adoption is hard emotionally. Sometimes I break and Friday I just couldn't hold it together another moment longer. I get tired of even family telling me that I don't understand adoption because I don't have enough empathy for APs and PAPs. That as long as kids are raised in a happy environment they will be happy and grateful about their adoption. When I see AP actually standing up for adoptees (and there are some) letting them speak, letting them have a voice, when adoption is no longer about them and their wants and needs I will have empathy towards those APs.
On Friday to get rid of some of my grief I started cleaning. Alyssa came home and saw me, she asked what was wrong. I broke down hysterically sobbing, my little girl was comforting me. I apologized to her for not being strong enough to keep her, for not being there for her for 18 years. I apologized for not fighting harder for her or Owen.
I was worried that one day I will do something and she will walk away from me. I put my fears out there and we talked. It was really good. Maybe we both needed me to not be so strong all the time. We needed to talk about our fears. I think we both feel closer.
This weekend I was supposed to make sure everyone was ready for school tomorrow. It is there first day back. We had a total change of plans and instead helped my little sister move. She is a single mom with 2 little boys and their was no way she could move everything on her own. Besides I always do much better keeping myself busy.
I am so glad for my online fb/blogging friends. Thank you for lifting me up. I try so hard not to be a downer but to put my truth out here to put my experiences out here without being totally negative. I do know adoptions sometimes have to happen. I do know sometimes mothers do not have the support or are abusive to their children. But I do not think most of us that have placed our newborn infants are abusive. A lot of us are not on drugs and alcohol. I have never been on any type of illegal drug ever. I have never had problems with the police. I have never even had a speeding ticket. I took good care of myself and my children when I was pregnant. I have never abused or neglected any of my children. So tell me why was my daughter better off with other parents.
(((Jeannette)))
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you and your daughter have time now to get to know each other and to work through this. It certainly isn't an easy road...
I understand. No matter where you are in the relationship with your child there are times when adoption just kicks us in the butt and it's just plain hard to take. Sometimes we have to just fall apart before we can breathe again. I'm so glad she was there for you and able to comfort you, so glad you were able to talk about it.
ReplyDeleteYou ask to tell you, tell you why?
ReplyDeleteshe would have been told truth instead of lie,
she would have been a child of her mother,
and living with kin, sister and brother,
having strength in kin and blood,
she would have avoided adoption mud...