Should not have looked at facebook today

Okay be warned I am on a rant right now.  I was just quickly on facebook and someone posted "If you know of anyone looking to place a baby for adoption pass this link on". 

This is an LDS Family I grew up with.  I am friends with the mom on face book, her kids are just a couple years younger than myself.  One of her sons for whatever reasons want to adopt through LDSFS.  I of course clicked on the link.  And it is on the www.itsaboutlove.com website.  First of all can you get a worse name than that?  It's about love  - WTF?  It's not about love at all.  It's about someone wanting a child, anyone's child.  They don't care about race, sex ethnicity, they want anyone's child. They don't care that a child already has a natural family, they don't care that adoption will break up generations forever. They don't care that a mother will go the rest of her life mourning her child lost to adoption.  They don't care that the child will go through their life feeling abandoned by the natural parents. And that child will expected to be grateful to the rescuers.  They care that they get a child and nothing else matters.  Seriously nothing else matters but that.  This couple even got a special photo shoot for their "birth mother" profile.  I think I might seriously vomit over that one.  Let's pull the heart strings of some girl that doesn't feel like she has another option, she doesn't feel good enough to parent her own child.  A girl that walks into LDSFS to try to get help to raise her child but instead she is convinced she can't parent.  BTW - did I tell you that this couple lives outside Salt Lake City  What better place to adopt then Utah.  The state where natural parents have zero rights and adoptive parents have all of the rights.

Below is the first statement on their site.

"We are honored to have the opportunity to introduce ourselves to you and we hope you will feel our love and sincerely pray that the Lord's guidance will be present throughout this process. We are thankful for the opportunity to adopt and would love to have an open adoption. Please feel free to view pictures and learn more about us anytime at our blog"

I am sure they are sincere that they want someone's child.   They can't have their own but do they say what open adoption means to them at all?  Study after study proves that if you want to adopt now a days then you have to say you want an open adoption.  It draws in the natural mom of a promise. A promise that the natural mom has no legal recourse if the adopters close the adoption.   How long are they willing to keep the adoption opened?  Do they consider pictures and letters open?  And don't bring The Lord into adoption, adoption is about a need from adopters it has nothing to do with God.

"About us:
We met through, JoJo's (Joanne’s) brother-in-law who was Cory’s LDS mission companion in South Carolina. We wrote letters back and forth for almost two years and developed a strong friendship. After Cory returned from his mission we started dating. Shortly after we started dating we both began to develop a deeper love for each than we had ever experienced. We knew that our love for each other would never end and that we desired to become a forever family. After dating for almost a year, Cory purposed to JoJo in the middle of an ice pond with a pink ring pop. We were married in the Mount Timpanogos Temple where we were sealed as a forever family. We have always enjoyed the presence of children and have desired to have a family of our own. Thankfully, through the miracle of adoption, we will be able to make our dream a reality."

Oh look perfect family he was a  great and loyal servant of the Lord, he took 2 years out of his life to be a missionary.  See he is unselfish.  Oh isn't that sweet. Miracle of adoption?  What miracle of adoption?  What is a miracle is that any young girl in Utah County especially is able to walk away from the hospital with their child.   It would be a miracle if any girl would be given the full facts about adoption all the way through reunion. 

Shoot I want boobs and a flat stomach that doesn't have stretchmarks covering it.  Maybe through the miracle of plastic surgery I can have that too.  Nope plastic surgery just like adoption isn't a miracle but merely a modern invention that fills our own personal needs and desires. 

Next comes their love for each other:

"JoJo’s Thoughts About Cory:
Cory is a sports fanatic and loves to watch and play football, baseball, basketball and any other sport. He loves the water and enjoys camping and doing things outdoors. Cory also enjoys spending time with his many younger cousins, nieces and nephews and his family. He is the second oldest of five kids and considers his older brother to be his best friend. Cory and his brother are often found taking their cousins to ball games and playing football with them. We are both very close to his family and extended family and spend most Sundays with them playing games.
Cory is a very easy going and a loving person who would give up anything to help another person. He is a hard worker and is great with children. One of his favorite things to do is help his younger cousins become better athletes. He enjoys serving others, especially the disabled adults with whom he works. He loves to help them succeed and accomplish their goals. Cory is extremely loving and supportive in every aspect of his life, and his dedication to serving others is illustrated in his boundless and deep affection that he shows the people he helps. He is filled with a peaceful and strong sense of duty that will serve him well as a father.
Cory is in his senior year in his exercise science program, and is planning on becoming a physical therapist. He loves to learn new things about the human body and sharing his knowledge with others. He enjoys sports and would like to continue to help athletes recover from their injuries."

"Cory’s Thoughts About JoJo:
JoJo really enjoys playing board games and spending time with family. She is the youngest of four children, and her older sister has always been her best friend. All of JoJo’s siblings are married and together we have five nephews, one niece and two babies on the way. JoJo enjoys going on walks and being outdoors. She also loves the rain and likes to sit on the porch swing and watch the rain fall. She loves to travel and go on yearly vacations and looks forward to visiting her family in New Mexico, twice a year. Her favorite two things to do on our weekly date, is to play miniature golf and watch our local baseball team play ball.
JoJo is an incredible person. She has a big heart and is concerned for everyone. She is selfless and very service oriented. She is constantly looking for opportunities where she can lighten someone's burden. One of the things that stands out the most with JoJo is how open she is in dedicating her time, emotion, and energy in working one on one with others. She is extremely friendly and has no trouble relating and getting along with almost any body.
JoJo works as a Campus Coordinator at a little college in American Fork, Utah. She loves working closely with teenagers and strives to set a good example for them. JoJo is also in school and has two semesters left in her nursing program. JoJo’s goal in becoming a nurse is deepened with knowing that she will have extra knowledge and ability to care for her children. She loves learning about psychology and the human body and likes to share and use what she has learned because she has a great desire to help others. JoJo will be an attentive and loving mother, it shows in the ways that she takes care of her family, her friends, and in her joy and love of life. I fully support her desire to become a stay at home mother. "

See what a perfect family and now all you need to do as a scared single pregnant woman to give them an "unwanted" child. Doesn't it sound like they are saying see we are more worthy than you.  Yes they both work and go to school but they would make better parents than a single woman working and going to school. 

"We are humbled to have the opportunity to adopt and are grateful to you for your courage and selflessness. With three of our cousins joining our family through adoption, we have seen personally how adoption can bless a family and we are anxious for that blessing to come into our home.
JoJo has always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and to teach her children through a loving example. We feel that by teaching through example, we will be able to develop a strong relationship with our children and will be better able to help them learn responsibility and love. We feel that a home filled with love makes a happy family and we look forward to establishing one of our own.
We have just about every ethnicity represented in our family and are joyful to have the opportunity to adopt any child. We feel that there are never too many people to love a child and would prefer an open adoption if that is desired. We would like to establish a strong relationship, open communication, and a true friendship.
Thank you for allowing us this opportunity to share a little bit about ourselves with you. We pray that your heart will be filled with comfort and love"

Courage and selflessness??? What about the PAP courage and selflessness?  Isn't wanting another person's child slightly selfish?  How adoption can bless a family?  You mean tear apart 3 different families so far to help your family grow.  Hmmm that does sound like a blessing for them only.  Another thing implied is because you are a single mom at the moment is you can never be a stay at home mom and you won't be a loving example.  Single moms can't have a home filled with love?  In exchange for your child we will allow you to have a friendship with us and "open communication".  What if the woman wanted to keep her child would they still be friends with her or is the whole relationship built upon the wants and needs of the adopters?  Could this couple be filled by helping keep a family in tact or is it all about their needs on having kids to raise?

November 17 - My Niece Chantel

This was posted by my niece, she was diagnosed with a disease one year ago.  I wanted to share her story on my blog.

Life After DiagnosisLiving With PBC(Primary Biliary Cirrhosis)

By Chantel

I remember those days and I remember them well. Growing up I was always a healthy eater and extremely active. I was always the one would choose an apple as a snack unlike my brother who would go for the fruit rollups in the pantry. It was moments like those that my parents would always use me in their "junk food lectures" as their perfect example. "Who do you think will live longer, you or Chantel?" They would always ask one of my brothers and the correct answer is…ding, ding, ding..."Your sister." That's right, I was going to live longer and healthier because I was making the right choice. It was moments these that made me believe I was truly invincible and nothing would ever bring me down.

I remained overall a healthy eater throughout my middle school and high school days. I even kept up a healthy exercise thanks to dance and cheerleading. Those days seemed amazing, nothing could harm me. Life after high school and into the real world was years away. I had lots of friends, was with the "in crowd", I had a wonderful family, and I did my best to make sure my high school days would be one I would never forget.

Me and my cousin Cheri Mutz

After high school I followed my parent's wishes and went straight to college at West Valley College in Saratoga with the plan to transfer to a university somewhere preferably away from home. My major would be English literature and hopefully someday I would become a high school English teacher. I had at least my next five years all planned out and all I had to do was turn those plans into actions. My first semester of college was amazing; I still had amazing friends, had good grades, and was doing everything I needed to do. I had so many good times during those first few months of college and had few things to worry about.
My second semester of college started sooner than I could've imagined. I was taking five classes and was working a full time job to pay for my tuition. One night about half way through the semester my legs started getting really itchy. I would scratch at it but the itch wouldn't go away so I would scratch harder and before I knew it I had red dots all over where I was scratching. The itching kept me up for about an hour until I finally was able to doze off. Every night was like this for about a week and then out of nowhere it just stopped. I figured it must have been irritation from my soap or lotion so I quickly replaced them both with sensitive skin products. About a month later the itchiness came back and this time lasted a bit longer than a week. I related it to my menstrual cycle and pushed it of like it was no big deal. The next month it came back only this time it wasn't going away. After putting up with it for about three weeks I told my parents. We changed everything in the house (detergent, lotions, etc) to sensitive skin products and made sure I stayed away from anything we cleaned the house with. Nothing helped and it was getting worse by the day. I was getting to the point where I was literally scratching my skin raw; I was creating rashes and cuts into my skin and would find anything sharp and pointy to relieve the itching. I would use combs, rulers, and even the metal part of my phone charger with hopes that something will dig into my skin far enough to make the itching go away. Finally I made an appointment with my doctor.
My first doctor's visit was very basic, he made sure I tried to get rid of the irritated skin on my own and decided to run several blood tests. I got the results back about two weeks later and everything was normal except for my Liver Function Tests (LFT). There are three main parts to this test ALT, ALP, and GGT; all were elevated to over 100 (the normal range is around 40). He let me know it was nothing to worry about but we will have to keep it monitor on it for a few weeks. So every week I would go in for blood work and every week was a different result. The first few trips the counts just kept getting higher and one time they dropped a few numbers. My doctor believed that whatever it is must be going away on its own but we will still have to watch my LFT's for about two more weeks. Even though my test were getting better the itching was just getting worse, instead of it just being my legs and feet it was spreading throughout my body. From my head to my toes I would scratch all day and it would keep my up all night. I decided to see a dermatologist and hopefully get some answers but all I got was "it's your hot showers, just have colder ones and moisturize after and that should do it". Which I'm sure as you can probably have guessed it didn't do much but left me missing my hot showers.
A week later I went in for another blood test and the results weren't as good as the last one. My LFT's shot up from 150 to the 200's and it was at that time that my doctor admitted to me he had no answers. He transferred me to a liver specialist over at a local hospital. She was a very sweet woman and an amazing doctor. No matter what I asked she was always able to answer my questions and "dumb it down" for me since I don't speak doctor. While I was there I had two ultra sounds and a liver biopsy as well as my normal blood tests about every two to three weeks. The liver biopsy was the worst out of every test I had to take there. The biopsy itself wasn't that bad but the infection afterwards was far from pleasant. I was hospitalized just four days after the biopsy and remained in the hospital for three days due to the reduced number we found in my white blood cell count. Through every test we eliminated several diseases (lupus, any hepatitis, HIV, cancer) but never found what I had. My LFT's now made their way to the 300 range and were continuing their mission to keep rising. I also started developing another wonderful symptom to add onto the itching, fatigue. No matter the number of hours I would sleep I'd always fill tired and exhausted which eventually made me have to cut back on many things I had always been able to do. My liver specialist transferred me over to another specialist at Stanford hospital and it was at that moment I decided I would have to change my college plans around.
I recently got accepted into ISU [Idaho State University] and was on my way to getting closer to my Teaching degree. I had it planned out to where I would live, what car I would drive, and what classes I would be taking. My hard decision came in those few months when I decided to throw the plan of moving to Idaho out the window. My health was in no good condition to be moving so far away from my family, my main support throughout this whole struggle. The new specialist I was assigned to was at Stanford hospital and I knew I couldn't afford flying out every month. I had to stay and I knew that even though it was a difficult choice it was for my best. So I stayed and applied for my third fall semester at West Valley College but didn't give up my hopes on transferring to another university.

Playing with my brothers

My new specialist was Tami Daugherty at Stanford Medical Center. She was a tall slender woman with gorgeous red curls that helped shaped her face, not at all what I had envisioned for a Stanford doctor. Even though she wasn't at all what I expected on looks, she was everything and more in as a professional doctor.
As soon as she got my case she went straight to work on tests. We did several blood tests to eliminate more things and got me signed up to do a MRI. I went back the following month with the same news that I had got at my last specialist, higher LFT's and no clue with that's going on with my body. She assured me that she still had plenty of other things to test for, so more blood work and an ultra sound was ordered.
The next visit we found out my LFT's were now moving into the 450's and still everything came back normal. She let me know that she believed I had an autoimmune disease I'm just not testing positive for it, which is completely possible.
That same visit she looked at me and asked, "Are you okay? You look exhausted. How much sleep have you been getting?" The look of pain, stress, and exhaustion must have been screaming from every expression on my face. I was falling behind on my studies because my body never had enough energy. The anxiety from the itching made every muscle in my body tense and the itching was beginning to feel more like a sharp pain instead of just a regular itch. My body literally was become a torture chamber to my mind and I felt like if anyone touched me I would just scream. I informed my doctor that I had at least ten hours of sleep the night before and twelve hours the night before that. Dr. Daugherty gave me a concerned look and gave me a prescription for a pill called ursodiol and informed me that it won't do any harm to my body but what it does is it breaks down the bile in my liver. She directed me to take on pill three times a day for a month and hopefully my LFT's will change for the better.
I came back a month later and to my surprise my LFT's dropped from the 450's to 375. This was a dramatic change and was significant enough for Dr. Daugherty to give me what I had been searching for during the past year and a half, a diagnosis. I was diagnosed with Primary Biliary Cirrhosis (PBC) but she was quickly to inform me that I do not have cirrhosis even though it's part of the diseases name.
PBC is an autoimmune disease where the body breaks down the bile ducts in the liver to the point where bile can no longer pass through to other parts of the body. Over a period of time after having so much bile build up it will be too much for the liver to handle and will cause liver tissue damage and that is the final stage of PBC, the stage where cirrhosis hits. The disease is mainly diagnosed with people between the ages of 35-60 and nine times out of ten are women. Like any other autoimmune disease there is no cure for it only ways to manage it and that is done through ursodiol. My doctor also let me know that I will have a liver specialist for the rest of my life and we will have to make sure I don't get the other diseases that come with PBC. More than likely down the road I will need a liver transplant but was told not to worry about that right now because that is years down the road.
The whole time she was explaining the disease to me I felt every emotion a human being could possibly feel all at once. I was happy, sad, mad, frustrated, scared, worried, devastated, excited, but mainly I was relieved that I finally had a diagnosis. I informed my family and since the next day was Thanksgiving I didn't think much of the disease and went on with life as normal.
It wasn't until that following day when I was at work alone when the diagnosis really it me. It was the first time I let myself think about the future and what could happen. The emotion came running through my veins all at once, I cried the whole eight hours at work and continued until I fell asleep that night.
That entire weekend I didn't want to do anything but lay around the house all day close to my mom. She held me the whole time and never once asked any questions, I think she already knew that no words had to be said that weekend. Sunday evening dragged around and that night in bed I told myself I can't go around feeling sorry for myself for the rest of my life. I had school to get through and a life that I would regret if I didn't live it.

Me and my family

I finished the semester but knew it was my weakest semester I had yet. The following semester came and quickly turned into my hardest struggle. The whole time I was mad that everyone around me was healthy and they didn't know how lucky they truly were. None of my friends had to take pills, worry about what medication they took, do emergency room runs, cancel plans because of fatigue, or worry about prescription refills. They never had to be scared about showing their legs in the summer because everyone will see the bruises, scabs, and scars you carved into your skin with your very own nails. They didn't wake up in mornings and see blood spots all over their sheets because they scratched the scabs off while they were asleep. I envied every person around me and it caused me to lose focus on my goals and what really mattered. Somehow I managed to get decent grades but I knew that I could've done better in all of my classes. I was depressed but made sure nobody around me knew it, not even my family or boyfriend because I didn't want them to know about my pain or even worse talk about it.
The summer after my third year of college I found PBCers.org. An online group filled with people struggling with the same disease I have. I have met several people on it and even though they are all much older than me they understand the hardships I go through. They know what it's like to get hours of sleep and still be exhausted throughout the day or the extra caution I have to go through with my body on a daily basis. They let me vent with them about my hard times and always tell me that there is life after being diagnosed. A member of the group recommended everyone to read an amazing article called "The Spoon Theory". I have to admit that everyone needs to read it, whether you know someone with a disease or disability, have one yourself, or just want a good read. I understand now how many spoons I have, how I have to use my spoons, and when I need to save them or borrow one.
This year will be my one year diagnosis with PBC. This year represents the hardest and best year of my life. I went from being mad at the world and asking "why me" on a daily basis to enjoying the world and asking "why not me". This past year I have cried myself to sleep on numerous occasions. I have been frustrated at people when they say those five annoying words, "But you don't look sick". I have cried with my family and boyfriend after admitting to them how scared I am. I lost insurance and had to do everything in my power to stop the tears from running down my cheek when I was rejected from getting it back for having a preexisting condition. I've found people who can understand me and have helped me figure out how to take care of my body and cope with the disease. I had to explain to my friends no bar hoping on my 21st birthday and not be surprised when they didn't understand. Never in one year have I ever had as many extreme highs or extreme lows as I have had in this past year.

My brothers and me at Tulume, Mexico

This semester I'm taking a class on intercultural communications and our first speech we were assigned was about who we are. Part of the speech had to be on where we wanted to be in the future. It was that part that had me thinking the hardest. My future is very different than every student in my class. I know I'll need a liver transplant and always need different tests. My risks for liver cancer are higher than most as well as having complications when I'm ready for children. I realized after thinking about my future for quite some time that the only thing I want from it is to one day be healthy again.
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason no matter how good or bad the situation is. Even though I might not know the reason right now, I have no doubts that one day I will understand why I got PBC. I don't know if I will be the longest one to live out of my siblings or even my parents. But I do know that no matter how short or long my life is it will be lived to its fullest potential no matter what lies ahead in my future.

November 16 -Jer's family

Well this year I have finally came out and told most of Jer's family about Alyssa.  Jeremy has a super close extended  family.  They have always accepted me for who I am.  They are not judging in any ways.  They are examples of how good christians should be. 

Last Christmas we told Jeremy's cousin who is Cassie's god father.  I have felt awful from keeping such a huge secret from his family.  First of all I wasn't sure of their reaction.  But mostly I was afraid of the questions.  The why?  How could you?  Where is your daughter?  Did you meet her parents?  What is her adopted name?  Have you heard from her recently?  All the questions I couldn't answer for 17 years.  Holiday get togethers are hard enough on me, I am always on the verge of breaking, what if someone asked me about her and I broke?  what if I couldn't keep in the emotions.

Jer's first cousin that we told took it great.  We didn't tell anyone else until this past August.  We shocked Jer's older brother.  I had a pic on my phone of Alyssa and Jer showed his brother.  Jer said well this is Jeannette's oldest daughter she placed for adoption, oh and Jeannette's a grandma.  No we are not teasing.  Yes I am serious.  His reaction was of total shock.  He couldn't even talk.

Next we told Jer's other cousin Stacy.  She was amazing.  We talked to her for hours that day about it. She gave me total acceptance and love.  She told her mom.  The only thing Jer's aunt said was why didn't you tell me earlier.  You are our family.  Can I just say he has an amazing extended family.

Next we told another aunt of Jer's.  Sandy was great.  She said you didn't have to share with me but thank you for trusting me.  Sandy's best friend was with her.  I found out then that her best friend was adopted.  Sandy understood the struggles with adoption from her best friend's point of view.  Her best friend told me that she never looked for her nmom because she was afraid of the rejection.  I was the first nmom that she knew of that had accepted her child back with open arms.

At a halloween party Jeremy told another cousin.  Donny took it great.  He was shocked but took it very well.   Donny has a younger sister who is adopted.  I wasn't sure how his family would take that I, a natural mom, was in my daughter's life.   Would they feel threatened?  No not at all, he was actually very happy for me.

We still have more of Jer's family to tell.  I don't want to tell them over the phone, by email, or over facebook.  I will wait till we see each person and I will tell them individually.

Jeremy's one aunt has known for almost 4 years.  Easter when my daughter was 15 his aunt was telling me about her struggle with infertility.  I started to tear up as she told me they were looking into adoption.  I knew they would never promise a natural mom anything they would not follow through with.  I also knew they could love a child not their own as if the child was.  I had always hoped that my daughter had Aparent that were similar to my husband's aunt and uncle.  When I told her about Alyssa, his aunt just had empathy for me.  She talked to me and told me how hard it must be for me to watch her struggle with infertility while I had placed my daughter for adoption.

She has now tried for almost 20 years to get pregnant.  She is one of the most truly honest and amazing women that I know.  She has always put other people in front of herself, she is easy to talk to, she is strong but vulnerable.  She can joke one minute but be serious the next.  I have always felt close to her since the day we met.  She is also Alex's godmother.  Jer's aunt is only about 10 years older than him. 

Several of Jer's family members have told me, "your daughter is part of our family, she is part of you, and we want to meet her"  and several have asked if she was coming out for Christmas this year because they wanted to see her and get to know her.  I could not have asked for a better family to marry into.

November 15 - Yesterday

I  did not have time to write at all yesterday.  I left my house by  noon yesterday and didn't get back home until after 9:30. My sister, Shana, has a trade show coming up today.  It is her first one she is doing and she is a bit nervous.  She doesn't know how many people are coming.  We spent the day helping with goody bags, setting up promotional clothing, ironing the clothes, typing up raffle prizes,  just being plain old busy.  I can't wait to hear later tonight how her trade show went.  We did alot of extra stuff so the next trade show will be alot easier too.

My sister Shana has 4 kids from the ages 22 to 5 years old.  She got pregnant with her first daughter when she was 16, obviously not married.  She really did fight to parent her daughter.  My mom wanted her to place Cheri, but She finished high school and got married to Cheri's dad.  She did not go to college but worked her butt off waitressing and then getting into accounting.  She had a son 2 years after she had her daughter.  3 years later she had another daughter and very soon after divorced her husband.  She did not have the best marriage and had to overcome alot of obstacles. She had several years of being a single mom with no child support.  She worked really hard, and was able to make it through, without getting any government support.  When her youngest daughter was about 5 or 6 Shana remarried.

Shana still continued to work hard.   The way she shows her kids love is to provide for them.  She is an amazing mom and tries to be there for all of her kids.  About 5 years after she married her second husband she had another child.  She still only had a high school education but not long after she had child number 4 she started her own promotional apparel company.  Shana has always been a hard worker, there has been times she has worked 12 to 16 hours a day for 7 days a week for months on end.  If she worked that hard for other people than she can do amazing things for her own company.  She is doing great as a business owner even in our economy as it is today.  She works hard and makes her customers happy.  She seems to be much happier working for herself.

Shana and I have talked about adoption and both of us are for family preservation.  Shana went with me to Alyssa's high school graduation last May.  Shana and I talked with Alyssa about trying to parent Owen.  We talked to her about not placing Owen, that it isn't easy to be a single parent but Alyssa would have our families full support and help.  Alyssa wasn't the easiest to talk to at the time.  She would shut down, put up a wall, make jokes, and change the subject.  Her defense mechanisms are just like Shana's and mine.  At least we understood her very easily. 

I'm sure Alyssa was getting confused to say the least.  From her afamily she was getting "adoption, adoption, adoption", from the baby's dad she was getting either adoption or abort.  From her friends even those that recently placed they were telling her adoption.  And now here we come in who have barely recently known her as a person and we are telling her to parent.  Not only to parent but that we will help her.  We the family that abandoned her in the first place. 

I think, atleast for me, you have very different feelings from the time you place to the time your child is an adult.  You learn so much including the pain that stays with you, adoption is NOT the loving option, the child is not better off with strangers as you were told.  You find alot more studies showing how adoption is worse in alot of cases for adoptees.  But mostly you are not told how many generations adoption will affect.  How many generations will feel the loss and sorrow of adoption.

November 13 - should have been

I know I am rambling but I'm thinking about Alyssa and Owen and that sacred bond between the two that has tried to be severed by the laws of the land. The sacred bond between her and I that had tried to be severed by laws, by a piece of paper.  I am hurt and angry by the should have been. 

She should have kept her name and  her original and unaltered birth certificate.  She should be best friends with her cousins Chantel, Cheri, and Brittany.  She should know the inside jokes and the ins and outs of our family.  She should have met all of her grandparents on both sides.  She should have met all of her aunts and uncles.  She should have grown up with Grandma Anderson's chocolate chip oatmeal raisnin cookies which we have every Christmas.  She should have been involved on all the birthday cake fights.

 But mostly she should have grown up and seen herself reflected back in her family.  She should have seen me as her mirror image, her mom.  She should never have wondered where and how she fits in.  My daughters should have had the fights growing up over cassie stealing Alyssa's clothes or being spied upon while she kissed her boyfriend good night.  The fights of Alyssa being annoyed over her little sister being around too much.

We should not be making up for 18 years of lost time.  She should have gone on the long RV trips with her Grandpa Denny while he pointed out all the wild life.  She should have gone to Yellowstone so many times with grandpa and grandma that she rolls her eyes when they mention let's go see buffalo.  She should not have weekend glimpses of how it should have been.  The glimpses she gets when she visits her hometown, the town where she was born. 

She should have been one of the nieces that froze all of Aunt Laurel's bra's in the freezer when they had a sleepover.  She should have seen Laurel's mad reaction when Laurel found out she had no bras, clean or dirty, that had not been drenched in water and then frozen.  Alyssa has missed so much with her original family.  I wonder if we will ever stop feeling like this.  I wonder if I will ever stop thinking of the should have beens.

November 12 - Thankful

I had another post written but I will save that for tomorrow. 

I just received the best most precious present I ever received.  Alyssa mailed me pictures of herself growing up.  The last picture her aparents sent me she was when alyssa was about 4 and then Alyssa sent me current pictures of herself from the time she was about 15/16 and beyond when we were in contact through letters only.  So I have about 10/12 years of no pictures and having no idea what she looked like for all of those years. 

It means so much to me that she cares and loves me enough to send those pictures.  I am beyond thankful right now to finally see what my daughter looked like growing up.  She was a mix of both her dad and I.  She got the best from both of us. I am just so thankful I can't even express my grattitude.

November 11 - waiting on a woman

I sit here and wait for my Alyssa to call me.  We talk several times a day, but I never call her.  She always calls me when she is driving.  Why don't I call her?  I feel like I am invading her privacy if I call.  I feel as if I'm not worthy to call her.  What if her amom gets mad if she sees that I am calling.  After all natural moms were supposed to disappear into nothingness and I am still here.  I'm still the reminder that Alyssa was never fully her daughter, that she has 2 moms.  I'm the reminder of Alyssa's amom's infertilities. I don't want Alyssa to feel pulled between her to worlds so I sit and wait.  Always trying to be patient and understanding.  Wait to know how she is doing today, what her plans are, what she wants for her future, when she gets to see Owen.  I just wait for my phone to ring.  I answer it no matter what time it is 5:30am or 2pm, 10pm or 2am.  I keep it beside me on my night stand when I sleep.   I long for those calls.  I long to hear her voice.  I long to know her thoughts and feelings. I long to know how she sees her future.

I'm still afraid that each call will be the last.  After all how can she forgive me for abandoning her to strangers.  Strangers that love her but never fully understand her.  Strangers that don't understand how she ticks and why she does things the way she does.  Strangers that are not her people, her relatives, her tribe.  Strangers that took her "as if born to", but she wasn't.  She was born to me and her nfather Rob, She is a Pierce and Anderson.

On November 15th,  2009 Alyssa contacted me through face book.  This was the first contact that was not through an agency, that read everything we wrote to each other.  Our private thoughts and love read over by an agency, Alyssa's counselor, or parents and then finally if it was deemed worthy then Alyssa.  They had to make sure we wouldn't give out too much information, too much truth about how much we missed each other.  We weren't allowed to tell each other how much this adoption process hurt both of us.  Me as a parent who made the decision and her as an innocent victim of adoption.  We started off slowly almost a year ago by just IM through face book for a week and then texting until January.  I received the first phone call in January, the first time I heard my first born's voice.  Then  meeting in person in February. Since February we have seen each other every 6 weeks or so.  We mostly texted but talked a few times a week until she had Owen.  Since she has had Owen we talk daily up to 4 times a day.  We talk about everything and nothing.

So I keep myself busy and my phone always besides me waiting to hear from my oldest child.