Letting go...

So let's see where I've left off.  I left the hospital March 1st and after I got home and settled in I signed the relinquishment papers.  In California you have 72 hours to change your mind after the papers are signed.  My sister Anita was coming into town from Southern California and she wanted to say goodbye to my daughter.  I called up my social worker the next day to see if we could see Alyssa one more time.  She said yes since we were still in the 72 hour waiting period and my rights were not relinquished yet.  I got to see my baby one more time.  I was able to hold her and smell her and have her close to me.  Everything was right in my little world.  We left the agency and I was on an emotional high. 

I had some pictures taken so I decided to get them developed at longs 1 hour photo.  It was my mom, her best friend Diane, and me in the car looking at the developed pictures in the car.  We were sitting in the parking lot at night.  I just started crying like I never cried before.  I wanted my baby back now. I didn't drive so I wassn't in control of the car.  My mom held me as I cried and Diane said "let's get your daughter".  My mom didn't say anything she just looked at me and I interpeted it as "You can't, Alyssa is where she belongs."  I found out years later how hard the adoption was on Diane.  How much Diane didn't want me to place Alyssa.  I didn't ask for my daughter back I let the adoption go through. That was so hard. 

I went with Anita to Southern California when Alyssa was about a week old.  I stayed with my sister I think about a week or so .  I was still recovering from the delivery and it hurt so bad to travel as we drove the 6 hours to her house.  In June I moved in with my sister and stayed through the beginning of the following April.

I had many many many bad days.  No one warned me that I would have dreams and nightmares about my daughter.  I still have them after 18 years.  Some days I wake up with tears running down my face. 

I was surprised how hard it was emotionally when the adoption was finalized and she was sealed to her adoptive parents.  I felt like I completely lost her all over again. 

After i moved to Southern California I was being good and going to church.  I started dating again.  I let a few people know about my daughter.  My sister found out that I told someone I was dating about Alyssa, she said I shouldn't tell anyone except the person I am going to marry. Really got me thinking that I should cover up that I had a child.  I didn't look like I had a baby so it was easy to cover it up.

I over heard and alot of conversations about adoption and the whores birthmothers are.  How birthmothers just keep spitting out kids and that they don't care about their children.  Just keep placing babies for adoptions.  The first time I heard this my daughter was less than 6 months old.  I left the church I was at in tears.  I tried defending birthmoms but i was told "you just don't understand birthmoms thinking."  I was so stunned I didn't tell them I was a birthmother.  I wish that was the last time I heard people comment about birthmothers, but I've heard it too many times.

Birthdays are horrible while one family celebrates with their child we are left with complete loneliness and emptyness.  Not even knowing if your child is alive from one birthday to the next.

I did receive alot of letters from the new adoptive parents.  I was told that they were very open to all contact allowed and very intuned to the birthmothers needs.  The first year I got pictures every few months and then a letters up till she was a year and a half.  Then letters every year around my daughters birthday.  They kept up with their agreement for the first 11 years.  I got pictures until Alyssa was about 4 or 5 years old.  It was really nice to get updates.  Everytime after the high of getting letters there was a deep dark low.  It was missing my baby, wanting to see her, and wondering if she could ever forgive me for placing her.  I never thought I would see her in this lifetime.