I have always wanted to meet Alyssa's adoptive parents. I only looked at profiles of parents that were willing to be open and supportive. That was one of the reason's I chose the parents for Kara that I did. I assumed we would be one giant family eventually and support and love each other. The most important person in the equation is Alyssa. We all love her and want what is best for her. Now that Alyssa is an adult I realize that her adoptive parents and I see don't see eye to eye about what is best for Alyssa. I think allowing her the freedom to know all of her biological family is important for her as a person. Yes I definitely think 18 is old enough to get to know your family especially since Alyssa has already dealt with so many things in her life. Emotionally it is best to know your biological family as early in life as possible. I know the old thinking is adopted children should leave their birth family and become one with the adoptive family. Is that even possible to become one with a family when you don't know where you get your emotional and physical traits from?
So I talked about earlier in this blog about having letters every year until Alyssa turned 11. When Alyssa was 15 I called up the adoption agency to see if they had any letters since I had moved the previous year and I hadn't received anything in 4 years. I know I had called up the agency previously and let them know of the address change but for some reason my current address was not in their system. But they did have one letter in their file for me. I left work early and picked up that letter. To anyone else it's just a letter, but to me this was the only tie to my first child. The only thing I have received in 4 years. I devoured every word. I wanted more contact, more information, I wanted a picture at least. After reading that letter several time I wrote back. I was so excited the adoptive family didn't forget about me. I felt like they wanted to include me in my daughters life. I had 2 years of worrying about Alyssa, I had a feeling that things were just not right with her but I couldn't explain what it was. It was something I couldn't even vocalize at the time.
So I wrote a letter back to Alyssa and her family. Within a few weeks I received a letter back, not from the adoptive mom but from Alyssa!!!!! The first time I ever got a letter back from her. We started writing back and forth every few months for about a year or so. My husband, other kids, and even my niece eventually started writing her.
After about a year or so Alyssa asked me to write her every week. I think her words were, "My goal is to write you every week, and you can make that your goal too." As we wrote back and forth we got to know each other better. We found out we had a lot in common. We had very similar sense of humor and thinking on life. All letters had to go through the agency and they read the letters. They had to make sure we didn't put anything bad in these letters, like our actual names. I was pretty sure Alyssa's parents read the letters I sent too. I always wrote and made sure everything sounded rosie and happy. I never wrote how much I missed her or what a deep loss it still was to have placed her for adoption. I didn't want there to be any reason that someone would make us stop writing.
Since Alyssa was about 11 I started reading alot of books on adoption especially what it is like for the adoptive child and adoptive parents. I wanted to find out for myself how they might feel. I also joined a lot of online adoption groups. I had joined several adoption search groups where there were adoptive parents, birth parents, and adopted children looking for their first families. After reading thousands of searches and people venting I thought I had a glimpse into what Alyssa and her adoptive parents might feel like.
I also found out what the laws were in California for adoption, placement, and searching. Each state is drastically different. California has a 3 day wait period where you can change your mind after placement. Utah has no waiting period. California law says once the adoptee is 18 they can sign a form to get their birth parents information as long as the birth parents have signed also. Some states you have to go through a CI to find your birth parents. Oregon opens up the records at 18 as long as the birth mom hasn't asked for them to remain sealed.
The agency that I went to told me California law was non-identifying information can be released upon request when the child turns 18 and identifying when the child is 21. Well that is just a bunch of BS seriously. They absolutely lied to me. I was beyond angry. Lie to me when I am 16, pregnant, and naive that's one thing, but don't think I'm stupid at 32. We all have access to what the state laws are thanks to the internet. I am damn good at searching. I knew if I just came to them and was confrontational that would be a problem. My youngest daughter wrote to Alyssa a without my prompting and told Alyssa that she wants to see her when Alyssa is 18. Alyssa wrote back to Cassie and said something like., "That they couldn't meet for several years when Alyssa was 21".
I was pissed not only had they lied to me but now they have lied to all of my children. Don't mess with an overprotective mother. I don't care if I gave up my rights to parent Alyssa I still love her as if I raised her. What is so wrong with meeting your family? Your siblings? Why would an agency that I trusted with my daughters life lie to me?
Well I wrote back to Alyssa in the next letter and told her word for word what the California law was. I think I even put the code for the law. I knew the agency would read the letter. I wanted them to know they couldn't mess with me or my children any longer. I was done with being lied to.
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