First I have to say that it is so healing to write down about the most traumatic and emotional event in my life, placing Alyssa for adoption. I consider myself a lifemom not a birthmom. I didn't just give birth to her and move on. I never ever stopped loving her. Adoption has left some major open wounds in my heart and soul. I can never really be the same person I was before I placed my daughter for adoption.
I know most people when thay find out I am a "birthmom" they try to say something nice to show they understand. I'm sure they just don't know what to say.
There are a ton of things not to say. I am sure I will miss a few. Here goes my list
1) Well atleast you didn't have an abortion.
Wow that one does sting. Deciding to terminate a pregnancy and giving your child to a couple that you hope can raise your child than you can financially are two very different things.
2) Well I could never give away my kid.
I didn't auction off my child to the highest bidder. I gained nothing financially. I tried to make the best possible decision for her. I looked through a ton of profiles and chose the one I thought would be best to raise my daughter.
3) Didn't you love your daughter?
Yes I loved my daughter, the same way I love my children I raised. I didn't place her for adoption to get rid of her I placed her with parents that I thought would raise her well and were much better off financially, a couple that was stable.
4)Well you did a good thing, you made a couple really happy.
The women that raised their children are bad for keeping them? I didn't have kids to make other people happy, to help them complete their families.
5)While you're pregnant: I know someone who wants a kid or I would love to have your child. Since you don't want it.
No comment on that one.
6)You did the right thing.
Really? How do you know? If I did the right thing why does it still hurt everyday? Why do I want my daughter back? Is it really wrong to raise your own child? Is it wrong for me to raise my other children?
The most comforting thing I found people to say is "I'm so sorry, that must be so hard. I can't imagine what that is like. If you ever want to talk I'm here"
I'm not saying these things to start an argument, but for me these comments can be very hurtful. I want to help educate people on what to say and how not to hurt birthmothers more. These comments hurt more when we are having a harder day dealing with adoption.
Placing a child for adoption is almost as damaging as abortion. You feel the same sense of loss and in some cases of adoption, usually only closed, it is exactly like abortion because you lose everything about your child. I have had many debates in classes about political topics and this was one that I encountered a few months ago back in school. They were talking about abortion and legalizing it or not. Of course I am in a predominantly mormon school, the majority of people there are republican from their parents' views. I was one of the few people in the class who supported abortion. I think my argument is better than the other girls. She said "I think abortion is wrong because there are so many couples looking to adopt and wanting a child. I think people who consider abortion should just place their child for adoption." I was pregnant at the time but no one knew because I covered it well in high school. I think I was about 5 1/2 months along and I said, "I personally think that abortion is acceptable. Do you have any idea how much pain goes into the life of the birth mother after placement? They experience even more intensified emotions than that of a woman who had an abortion. Either way, you are losing your child. Birth mothers cry almost everyday and they wonder if their child is okay, alive, happy, what they're doing and these thoughts tear away at her so who are you to say that adoption is the best thing if you are considering abortion? Carrying a child to full term and knowing you can't keep it is even more devestating." Needless to say, the entire class was silent afterwards. I always hate it when people say you did the right thing. Let's see them give up their first child.
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