At the end of December I mentioned on my blog that my husbands aunt and uncle was looking into adopting a baby that was due in the beginning of February. Well the baby was born on Wednesday and they took him home on Friday. They are still on the 72 hour waiting period that the natural mom can change her mind. I know I should be excited for them. I should be jumping for joy. I feel loss, I feel sadness. The natural mom has a 2 year old daughter. Siblings are separated. I hate that, I hate that another woman has the pain of being a natural mom. I know what it is like the first Mothers day and every Mothers Day following that you do not have one of your children with you. I know this mother has not raised her first child. The daughter has been bounced around from family member to family member. Even with all of that I still feel bad for her. I still feel bad for this new baby. I wish things could be different. Now that I know about primal wound I can't imagine the pain this baby is feeling. Does he want to hear his mothers voice and smell her? Is he trying to figure what is going on? Is he feeling a loss? I was told that his first night in his new home was bad. The type of formula was changed in the bottle and he was up most of the night crying. They said he was very gassy but I wonder if it is more than that?
Other than with Alyssa all of my OBGYNs and pediatricians recommended skin to skin contact immediately after birth. They all said breast feeding was best. They told me that my child knew me by smell, taste, by my voice. That my children were attached to me more than to anyone else. Why are these things not true for adoptees? Either babies know their mom or they don't.
It is not that I dislike Jer's Aunt and Uncle. I love them so much. They are my family, I trust them. They are Alex's Godparents. Jer and I have talked and even said if something happened to Jer and I he would want the kids to be raised by either Jer's parents or his aunt and uncle. We knew that they had the capacity to love our children as their own. They are amazing, loving, caring people. My thoughts are not about them being bad parents, it is just that adoption starts with a loss.
Jer's parents told me I should pray that this adoption goes through and the mother doesn't change her mind. I just said I hope whatever is best for the baby will happen. His parents tried to tell me, but you know Jer's aunt deserves to be a mom. She deserves a baby. She will make a great mom. That was not the question. I know they have tried for 20 years to become parents. I know they have had their hearts broken because they couldn't have children on their own. I know they have spent tons of money on infertility treatment. Does one woman really deserve to be a mother above others?
I know I am seeing this from a natural moms point of view. In adoption I see that there is pain. There is loss, no one wants to be a natural mom. No one thinks when they grows up that they will lose a child to adoption. Even for this baby there is loss. Children do not want to be separated from their siblings.
I can imagine how difficult this is for you. A friend I know from work adopted last year. She adopted from foster care, and read every book I recommended to her before she started the process.
ReplyDeleteI just couldn't "be happy" for her when her son was placed with her. I can only think about adoption from MY perspective and my experiences as an adoptee.
All I wanted was for that baby to go back to his first Mother. He was "fussy", too. I don't think for a second it was "just gas". He was traumatized because his mother was gone, and was now with a stranger....sigh...
I think for us, the ones who lost so much, it's very triggering when someone close to us adopts.
Linda,
ReplyDeleteThat is exactly it. It has nothing to do with them as parents, but about my experiences. After meeting my daughter and realizing that she needed ME. She has needed me since the day she was born. Realzing now and way too late that I was/am enough for her.
I honestly trust few people with my children. I have siblings that I would not leave my children alone with for even one hour. So for me to trust my husband's aunt and uncle with my children is huge. I know they will be great parents. They are some of the kindest people I know.
I just can't see adoption as anything other than a loss. Aoption ALWAYS starts with a loss. Even if the mother is on drugs, in jail, the mother has not attached to her child, whatever, the baby feels some type of loss. So often us mothers feel the loss too. Open or closed adoptions there is still a feeling of loss. After seeing my children deal with the loss of each other. I know there is pain for siblings also.
I understand completely with what you are feeling. It's hard, when you know the other side, not to have those feelings. And it isn't a judgment on someone's ability as a parent. Its just a knowledge of the loss and pain that comes with adoption.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter's Godparents are amazing people and wonderful parents to their son. Her Godmother can't have more children and has talked about adoption in the past and I have felt guilty at times feeling thankful that they didn't travel that path . It's a hard way to feel about people you love and want to see happy but its the honest truth that stems from what we know and have learned through our experiences and the experiences of others who have been through the same.