Parenting and how I grew up part 2

To understand adoption and how it fits in I have to explain how I was brought up....the good, the bad, the very ugly.  A lot of people might not want to read these 2 posts.  It deals with love and abuse.

When I was about 6 years old my oldest brother who was about 14 started molesting me and my younger sister.  We did not tell my parents at the time.  My brother was a father like figure.  Often times in my family the older kids parented the younger kids.  My brother would threaten us with knives when we misbehaved. He was very violent on many levels. We were terrified of him.  At one point he hit my younger sister over the head with an ice cube tray and gave her a concussion.  My moms excuse was well he was aiming for Shana's friend not for his sister.  Hello Laurel had a concussion!!!! My older sisters tell me that there was times that he would steal their money or ruin their records if he as in a pissy mood.  The few times we started to tell mom of the mistreatment my brother did she would defend his actions.  We did not tell her about the sexual abuse at that time.  The sexual abuse stopped by the time I was 8 or 9  I am not sure if it lasted 6 months or several years.  Sometimes I am grateful for things being blocked out of my memory.

When I was about 12 Shana got pregnant at 16 years old and had her first child.  5 months later my sister Anita at the age of 18 and had her first son.  Shana left the church at that point because of the way she was treated and the pressure she was under to place her baby for adoption.  My mom was very embarrassed that her 16 and 18 year old got pregnant when they were not married.

When I was in 7th grade, not long after both of my sisters had their first children, I told my friend about the abuse.  We were at a church activity and she encouraged me to tell my mom.  That night I told my mom.  She comforted me but was upset that I had told anyone.  She was worried that someone would find out and call the police and what would the other church members think?  Would they find out?  Besides even if it did happen it was in the past.  He wasn't molesting anyone right now.  I found out later that she did not believe me.  Yes that totally hurts, who would want to make something like that up?  I was 12 year old, a good student, and did not lie.  Unbeknown to me she called Shana and Anita together and told them that I had lied about my brother molesting me and she didn't know what to do.  Well, thank God for Shana and Anita because even though they did not know about Laurel and I being molested they stood up for me and admitted to my mom that our brother had molested them too.  They couldn't believe I was brave enough to tell mom.  I think it was naive not brave.  I was in for quite a year after this.

Well the friend that I told about the abuse told her mom.  That mom called the police.  Within days I was being interviewed at my school by police.  That was very traumatic.  When my brother was charged my mom bought him a lawyer.  My mom later got my sisters and I a lawyer too.  My mom asked us not to testify against my brother.  She told us he felt bad and it was in the past.  Why does it matter several years later?  At 12 years old I did not have the strength to fight against my family (mom and brother) and go against them.  My mom really did not apologize to me.  She said yes your brother admitted what he did but you should forgive him it is in the past.  When we went to court my brother was in handcuffs and my mom cried "My Baby".  I wanted to say "what about us"?  What about your daughters?  Aren't we worth something in your eyes?  Yes he did not molest the youngest daughter or his brother but what about the rest of us?  Since none of us would testify against my brother all charges were dismissed.  His reasoning for not touching my youngest sister is that she was too young.  Nice of him to have standards.

I felt worthless after that.  When you are sexually abused at a young age it does damage.  My moms reaction made it worse.  My dad sat down with me and apologized that his home had not been a refuge for his children.  That we were hurt so badly.  My dad cried with me.

My freshman year I started having sex and skipping school.   Is anyone really shocked about that? I switched to a continuation high school my sophomore year.  I still had very low self esteem.  I tried smoking a few times but I just never saw it as a cool thing.  I tried drinking 2 or 3 times too. That really wasn't for me either. I never tried any drugs those things scared the crap out of me.  At this continuation high school I did very well.  I didn't fit in the best though.  I have always looked like the girl next door, very innocent. Most of the kids at this school were more hardened and street smart.  I did make friends though.  I was very sad and didn't understand why my mom allowed my brother over to our house still.  I felt unloved and unworthy of love.  But my grades really improved here.  I started to get back a little self esteem.  I had started to go to counseling also.  I still chose very bad choices in boyfriends.  I allowed them to take advantage of me, I never learned how to say no.  At this high school I caught up on all of my freshmen credits.  I worked very hard going to summer school, night classes, and even Saturday school.  I graduated a year early too. But it was June right after my Sophomore year in high school that I ended up pregnant. 

The little bit of self esteem I had was lost when I found out I was pregnant.  I knew everyone would find out.  I couldn't cover this up. I couldn't hide.  I felt like a slut.  Who else would allow herself to get pregnant at 16? What would my mom think of me now?  I did lose friends, especially church friends.  They were no longer allowed to associate with me.  Friends I had known for most of my life, my best friends left me.  What were their parents thinking?  I look at it now and wonder did they think their daughters would catch the pregnancy disease?  Again when I needed support and love I was abandoned and on my own.  I was not kicked out.  But I was told not to tell any extended family members.   Adoption was voiced very loudly.  My own mother didn't think I could raise my child.  I fought the adoption idea for months.  I wanted my baby I wanted her more than anything.  Nobody seriously thought I could raise her.  I would be selfish to raise her.  No one helped me find a way.  My own parents never once said we will help you.  And then Alyssa's dad sent me a tape threatening to kidnap both my child and myself.  I just couldn't win.  I gave in at that point.   It felt like everything was working to take my child that I loved so much away from me.  I was told that this child was supposed to go to someone else, I was never meant to raise her.   I was just a vessel to carry her into this world. 
I had many friends that were pregnant at high school and they all were raising their children.  I felt like an outcast even with them.   LDSFS never showed me how I could raise my child they showed me all the reasons I could not.  What I did NOT have to support myself.  I was told that my child would be better off with out me.  I was told I would have other children I was meant to raise.  I was told no man would stay with me if I kept her.  She would never have a father.  I was told it was selfish to raise this child.   My self esteem was so low I actually believed what they told me.  If I knew then what I know now I would have raised her.  I got pregnant again a year and a half after placing Alyssa.  I was in no better position financially or emotionally to raise a child.  I just knew I couldn't place another child.  I hoped Alyssa wouldn't hate me for placing her and then having another child so soon after her.  I hoped she would find it in her heart to forgive me.