Alyssa's new post

I was just reading my daughters latest post.  She was pouring out her heart with the good and bad in her life.  As alot of us do she was saying things that are so hard to say in the normal world.  Things that we need to get out of our system. Our hurt and pain that others try to minimize. Below is her post and then after that is some mans "encouraging" comments.  Oh he got my blood boiling.  He uses nice words but still tries to tear her down.  He came acrossed, atleast to me,  as to say if you just closed your legs in the first place you wouldn't be in this situation and your son is better off without you. 


"I cannot help but to think of the song "Hello I'm in delaware" by city and colour whenever I am in my car driving. I also can't help but to think of Owen and where I would be if I kept him. He is constantly on my mind and in my heart. I can't stop thinking of him, I can't stop loving him. Hello I'm in Delaware
I feel like I am standing still waiting for him to come back to me but I know he won't. At least not for another 18 years. I was surrounded by people who were pressuring me to place, including my asshole boyfriend at the time. He would say things such as "I am not helping you raise an angry exboyfriend's child". I felt like I had to place, I felt like I had no choice. The people who raised me weren't supportive of keeping either. I just didn't know I could do it on my own with so many people against it. The people I thought truly loved me couldn't comprehend loving my son. I've moved out and on since then, I've learned to forgive. I am living with my best friend Kristen, her boyfriend and mine which is Kristen's boyfriend's step brother. They help me through the hard times when no one could when I lived with my adoptive parents. The other day, the adoptive couple sent me a photo of Owen, Ian was over my shoulder when I was opening the text message and I looked at him and he had the biggest smile on his face. He did the same thing when I wrote on my calendar that I get to see Owen on the 24th. Where was this man a year ago? I ask myself that everyday. He told me he would have still been with me even if I kept Owen and that he would be his dad. What 19 year old would be willing to take on that responsibility and say something as powerful as that? The last guy I was serious was 10 years older than him and he still never would say anything like that. He told me it would have ended if I kept Owen. He told me everytime I came back upon seeing Owen I shouldnt anymore. How could someone be so cruel? Yes, it is hard seeing someone call my son their own but he is still my son. He always has been, he always will be. He plays a huge role in my life and my decisions. It is incredible being with someone who loves Owen like his own. It is the best when I catch Ian looking through photos of Owen and asking about him.

There is nothing more falsified than an ammended birth certificate. There is also nothing more corrupt than purchasing a human life to build a "family". Owen will always be part of my family. Owen is my family. I love more than I ever could have imagined possible and it is the most amazing thing in the world.

Now a little bit about Ian. Love at first sight? This could be very possible. I met him through Kristen and Brandon. The first day he met me he told me I am 100% his type of girl. On January 26th after his birthday festivities with my family were over, we were laying in bed talking. He said he has something he wants to tell me and I said what is it? and he said he should wait until the morning. Of course, me being Anderson cannot wait for things so I got it out of him. He told me "I am in love with you". He means it, you can see it in his eyes and see it how he treats me. I feel the same for him. He is the kind of guy I have always wanted but never had and I love every minute I spend with him."

His comments were

"And this, my dear Kara, is why you wait to be intimate until AFTER you find and marry your Ian.

You call it corrupt that a committed couple is willing to take Owen as their own? and provide Owen the loving environment he deserves? that you were unwilling to wait until you were ready to fully provide?

You say you felt like you had to place Owen - and you were right to do so. As soon as you have sex you invite a life and if one comes, your own life, your own wants become secondary. I think "the people who raised" you and the others you "thought truly loved" you really do love you and comprehend your feelings for Owen. All too well. They're parents too and they know what goes into raising a child.

Don't confuse their refusal to place your wants above a helpless infant's needs as a lack of love on their part. Learn from this experience. Let Ian court you properly and then, when married, welcome Owen's brothers and sisters into a loving, nourishing home capable of providing emotionally, physically, spiritually all that a child needs.

Another "most amazing thing in the world" is that you will love each of your children just as much. It's unbelievable how you feel your heart will burst with one and then you find you have the capacity to love each one that much!

God is good, He loves you, and you can have many more things you never "could have imagined possible" if you'll follow His outline for happiness.

Bro. Arnell "

 

Cassie

I honestly never thought I would be given a chance to raise another daughter.  It is very scary to me to raise a daughter after placing Alyssa.  I am afraid of messing up with her.  What if I am not good enough for her just like I was with Alyssa.  Those thoughts have gone through my head so many times.

 I do love Cas so much.  She can be challenging at times but she is also amazing and so smart.  We can just talk for hours about the things she wants to do and what is going on with school and friends.  She is protective over her friends.  Her life is revolving more and more around friendships than family.  I feel her starting to pull away at times and that is okay.  It won't be long before she is on her own.  She needs the confidence to make good decisions and rely on herself.  She also needs her family to be able to be there for her to help pick up the pieces.  I know the next few years can be difficult emotionally for her and my job as her mother is to love her and help her through.

 The one thing Cassie has taught me more than anything else is patience.  She is very strong willed.  She is at the point in her life that she is starting to trust herself.  She is building self confidence, she is realizing her choices are hers alone.  She has always dressed herself since she was about 2 years old.  Some of those outfit combinations were horrendous.  I had wondered where her fashion taste comes from.  She is starting to pull clothes together that look cute and age appropriate.   Age appropriate can be very hard at 12 years old.

Cassie's opinions are ALWAYS changing.  One day her favorite food will be spaghetti and the next day she will hate it.  She tells me that was yesterday mom can't you keep up.  Because of her age her emotions are everywhere. Even her favorite color changes on a daily basis.  I often remind myself this too shall pass.  She will only be 12 once in her life.  She has discovered boys but realizes that friends are more important than any boy. 

She is taking dance and viola.  She absolutely loves the viola and likes dance but she isn't sure how far she will go with dance.  She has talked about going into the fashion industry when she is older.  She loves to design clothes and is big into make up,  hair, and fashion.  She has a bit of a shoe obsession too just like me.

Cassie loves family game night which we try to do at least once a week.  Currently the game of choice is Uno Attack.  She loves spending time with her older cousins too.  She does think our family is weird because we cook dinner every night,  we sit at the table together, and we talk to each other while we eat dinner.  Oh the horrors!

Kenny and Cassie are each others best friends and worst enemy. They are so close in age but Kenny tries to be the older protective brother.  Cassie finds that trait annoying.  They love each other to death but also know each others buttons to push that will annoy the other.   Kenny has tried to intimidate guys that like Cassie but I had to put a stop to that.   It is not cool for a freshman to threaten a 7th grader for looking at his sister. 

We are working on Cassie controlling her anger and she now goes to her room to calm down when she is upset.  She does yell and scream as she goes into her room and she does have to put quarters in the jar for each thing she says that is disrespectful to a family member. As long as I stay calm she calms down very fast.   I will post about the money jar later.

Cassie lets me know when she needs to talk and when she needs to cuddle. She wants more alone time with me than the boys ever did.  She claims to hate hiking but once we start and hike about a mile she is positive and happy.  She loves to be in nature but hates to admit that to anyone.  One of her favorite things is the beach.  She can sit on the sand and just watch the ocean for hours.  We try to go to the beach at least 5 times between May and September.  Every few weeks we try to do something as a family.  We have done Nerf fight at the park with my sisters family.  Beaches and hiking are always fun.  We haven't gone in a while but Cas loves going to the Monterey Bay Aquarium or visiting Pier 39. 

She can be so feisty one minute then gentle and loving the next minute.  I love that she is my daughter.  I love our time alone that we can just talk.  I love her smile and silly laugh.  I even love when she comes in my room in the mornings and cuddles.

Kenny

Kenny is very different than Alex.  I swear he has the Irish temper.  He is as stubborn as anyone I know.  He has been that way since the moment I found out I was pregnant.  I had problems with the pregnancy since before I found I was carrying him.  I bleed through out the pregnancy and started having contractions at around 2 months.  My first OBGYN appt with him I was told that I will probably lose "it" soon since this pregnancy did not look viable.  That doctor didn't realize how strong lil Ken was.  He was determined to be in this world.  I was on and off bed rest up until 37 weeks pregnant.  He was born after 2 and a half  hours of labor. He was perfect in every way but he did have the biggest rib cage I had ever seen on a baby.  He was only 8 pounds 6 ounces but with that rib cage he looked so much bigger.  He was an easy baby.  Well he was easy once I realized that me eating chocolate was bad if I nursed him.  For some reason that gave him painful gas. 

Once he hit a year old and I stopped nursing him we found he had an allergy to milk.  Ken finally got over most of the milk allergy by 3 years old.  His first real words were die thanks to my sister.  Every time she saw him she would play with him and say "die die die"  he thought it was hilarious and she was the funniest thing ever so of course he would mock her and say "die" back..  Well she now has kids so we can get a little revenge. 

He made me become a very different parent.  His needs, desires, and actions were completely opposite of Alex.  If you were a fly on the wall at my house you might think I am dismissive towards Ken's actions.  With Kenny I have found when he is angry he needs space.  There is no point arguing with him when he is angry because he can't listen.  It is not that he doesn't want to but he literally can't make sense of what you are saying.  His emotions are too out of control.  His walls go up and no one can break them down.  If I get angry when he is then it is just a war for control.  Neither of us will win and both of us will be unreasonable.  So for me I just stay calm and ride the tide.  I don't allow Ken to hurt other people I allow him to go in his room or my room and have space.

Ken goes to his room listens to music and I will ask if he is ready to talk.  It needs to be his decision, he needs to feel that he has control over himself and he is ready.  Usually within an hour everything is totally solved and life is back to normal.  He has even learned when he has calmed down he will text me and ask if we can talk.  Sometimes he cries as I hold him because the anger has passed and he is overwhelmed by his real emotions.  We have taught him that crying especially for boys is okay.  It is okay to feel those emotions.  When he really needs a hug is when he pushes me away the most.  If I hug him and he is not ready that will be another control struggle.  I always tell him that I love him and when he is ready to talk let me know.  The reason he will text me is because he doesn't want anyone to know that he needs someone.  When he text me I discreetly go in my room and he will follow me from his room.  That way he thinks no one knows that he is hurt. He doesn't think 14 year olds should need their mommy. But we all know teenagers need their mom just as much if not more than babies do.  Their needs to be met may be different than babies but they need their moms emotional support and love.

Kenny really is a great person.  He always helps with younger kids and makes them feel special.  He sticks up for the underdog.  He does not allow others to push him around.  Everything has came easy to him.  All through elementary he never had to try in school really.  Alex would spend 2 hours a night doing homework and Ken would have the same thing done in 10 minutes.  Kenny has always made friends so easy too.  Wherever he goes he meets some one knew.  Kenny has the athletic ability in the family.  There has rarely been a sport that he has tried that he doesn't do great at.  He is so strong willed that sometimes he would rather be right  than think how his actions affects others. 

Kenny is the most sensitive of all my kids and things hurt him so deeply.  He pretends that they don't but they really do.  When he sees things that are unjust he has to act.  He doesn't know how to walk away.  That trait is so good that I don't want to smother it.  It is a good thing to see the injustices in the world and try to fight them but you can't fight all the battles at once.  He definitely gets this particular trail from his Aunt Laurel she has always fought for the underling, the least powerful. 

Kenny plays viola and loves it.  He has been playing for 3 years and wants to start tutoring other kids this summer.  He has goals and plans.  He sets out goals for himself and accomplishes them.  This he gets from Grandpa C who is a successful businessman.  Ken is also in Boy Scouts and loves it especially the adventures of camping and hiking.  Ken was in karate until recently and he really loved that too.  Kenny has to do something after school every day.  He can not handle just being in the house.  Most days he either runs or rides his bike after school.  He has so much energy he needs to get it out.  He really is such a good kid.  he is super competitive in all things.  Oh he definitely gets that from me.  I hate to admit it but I do get very competitive.

Both pictures are of Kenny from several years ago.  In this picture he is playing with his younger cousin.

Alex

Now that you have a little back ground on my upbringing I want to talk about my kids and raising them.  I have found that I have put pressure on my self and by others to prove my motherhood.  To prove that I am good enough to raise my other children.  And being in California and the Bay Area there are an overwhelming amount of older moms.  The moms that put there careers and college first.  I have often times felt like I needed to be twice the parent to prove I am equal to them and not just a perpetual teenage mom.

 I was not able to give my children the material things as these woman have but I could give my children myself and be the best mother that each of them need.  The schools that we chose to put my kids in have been high achieving in very well off neighborhoods.  There are a lot of stay at home moms or moms that work at home that have at least 1 nanny especially when the kids are young.  When my kids started at their new school they were in 5th grade, 4th grade, and 2nd grade.  After they were at this school for a few months I was picking them up after school one day and let them play for a few minutes.  There was another mom letting her children do the same thing.  I was asked by this older "awesome" mom if I was the nanny.    I was responded no I am the mom.  She then looked at me and asked if all 3 of my kids had the same dad.  OK I had a very bitchy moment.  I just looked at her and said I'm not sure the DNA test isn't back yet.  I hurried and got my kids gathered up and left the school.  I couldn't believe the balls that woman had.  I am often mistaken for my children's sister but dang that comment was  just rude.

Onto my oldest child I raised who is 16 almost 17 right now.  I have always been told how hard teenagers are and they are so difficult to raise.  I was actually terrified of this stage.  But I am raising 3 teenagers and I love it.  I love to see them form their own opinions separate from mine.  I love their independence.  I love that they try so hard to break free from me and the rules but then five minutes later come back for a mom hug.  I see teenagers as just another stage now, not a stage to be feared.  I have also learned from my parents mistakes, but don't we all.  I am no wher close to perfect but I try to be the mom that they need.

I have realized our children do not turn into monsters when they hit a certain age.  They are the same people we brought home from the hospital. The same people that we have raised for years. They have shown us glimpses through out their childhood of what they want to do and how independent they want to be.  As a parent I need to be in tuned to them so they can guide me to be the best mom for each child individually.  All of my kids are very different personality wise.  As they become teenagers we need to allow them to become independent but still be there when they need us.  That means allowing them to fall down or make mistakes but be the helping hand to lift them up again.  I need to be able to drop everything in a heartbeat if they need me and most often they just need someone to listen to them right NOW. 

After watching my older now adult nieces I see that I will be doing this for many years.   I have seen my nieces even though they are 23 and 21 they still need their moms to listen to them without judgement.  They still need to be able to return home and find that peace of mind and strength from their mothers. It isn't uncommon for my oldest niece to text me in the middle of the night because she just needs to vent and feel loved without judgement.  That is why I keep my cell phone beside my bed.  Well also because Alyssa also calls me at all hours when she is having a hard time and I want to make sure I am their for her too.

Alex  is very calm and mellow.  He likes to watch and observe before he interacts.  He does everything very cautiously.  It takes him a while to warm up to people.   I have to listen to him for a long time to get his opinion.  Even what he wants for dinner or what he wants to do for the weekend will be a half hour discussion.  He usually says I don't care or whatever. I have to give him options of what we can do.   He is starting in just the last 6 months to just ask for things like can he meet his girlfriend at the mall.  He is always worried about how his decisions will affect others.  My hardest part with raising him is helping him figure out what he wants and then find a way to get it. I have to let him know that his needs are important too.  I still have to teach him that his desires and wants are okay.  I could very easily step over boundaries with him because he is so easy going.  It would be too easy to say hey we want to do this and he would go along with it not because he wants to but just because he doesn't want to cause problems.  I try to make sure that the things we do as a family he will enjoy and he wants to do.

 Alex has dyslexia and and mild auditory processing problems.  He was diagnosed at the end of first grade and has had help overcoming these things from 1st grade through the first semester of 10th grade.  He has now been released and has no special classes.  With his auditory processing issues it takes longer for him to process information.  He needs extra time on tests and reading books.  One psychologist told us after he did hours of studies with Alex was that Alex will never be on Jeopardy because he is not fast enough with his responses but he has the ability to be the next Einstein.  Alex correctly answered questions on the given tests that only 2 other older teenagers answered in 12 years that this man had been in practice.  Alex was in 8th grade at the time.

 When I have gone in to IEP meetings with his teachers I always hear what a great easy going kid Alex is.  How they would like more students like Alex.  Alex works hard and does not fool around in classes.  Alex is not Mr. Popular, he is not very athletic (just like his mom).  He does great at track and field but he does not enjoy it.  We have him in Boy Scouts and have had him in Karate until recently.  Karate has helped with his self esteem.  He does not always love Boy Scouts but he is in a leader position so he said he will stay in for a few more months.  I know Alex's friends I talk to a lot of them at least once a week if not more.  They often come to me for advice or just for some one to listen to them.  Someone to acknowledge that they are important.

The more I interact with Alex and his friends the more that I see that teenagers need adults in their life.  Teenagers are not scary thugs that are all on drugs and running away.  Teenagers are in so many ways easy.  They just want to be acknowledged and loved for being themselves.  They want a safe place to express themselves.  They want there ideas to be heard without being put down.  How hard is that?

Alex has had the same girlfriend, it is actually his first girlfriend, for over a year now.  She is not your typical blond hair blue eyed cheerleader beauty.  She has deep brown eyes and long brown hair.  She is Mexican.  She is  a bit on the chubby side too.  She has a lot of self esteem problems.  She does not get great grades and she feels inferior because of that.  We have had many talks together I have tried to get her to see her talents.  She sings amazingly, she can dance, she can act.  She has a hard time with academics, but her brain is geared towards the arts.  We have talked about how important school is and she will need decent grades but maybe her ultimate goals need to have music involved in it.  She just needs more adults in her life that acknowledge that she is worth their time and energy.  On so many levels I really like her.  She is kind and considerate of others.  She wants to fit in and sometimes has a hard time with that.  I see her potential and it is very limitless, I just wish she could see herself through my eyes.

I have talked to both of them individually and together about waiting to have sex that they don't want to regret their first time but if you are going to have sex use 2 forms of birth control with one always being a condom.  I have told them it is not the baby to worry about, all though that is hard, but you don't want a disease.

Both Natasha's parents and Jer and I are very careful that the couple is never left alone.  They are not allowed to go to her house after school if no one is home.  They can not be at either house without parents.  Right now that is very easy to monitor because neither has a license.

We might hit a few hard spots in the future but we are a year and 2 months away from Alex being a legal adult.  His grades are amazing he had a 3.3 grade point average last semester with 7 classes and he is looking at taking honor classes next year in Science, Math, and World Geography.  Alex loves all kinds of Mythology and Anime. He hasn't decided what he is going to do when he grows up but he is on a good path.

Parenting and how I grew up part 2

To understand adoption and how it fits in I have to explain how I was brought up....the good, the bad, the very ugly.  A lot of people might not want to read these 2 posts.  It deals with love and abuse.

When I was about 6 years old my oldest brother who was about 14 started molesting me and my younger sister.  We did not tell my parents at the time.  My brother was a father like figure.  Often times in my family the older kids parented the younger kids.  My brother would threaten us with knives when we misbehaved. He was very violent on many levels. We were terrified of him.  At one point he hit my younger sister over the head with an ice cube tray and gave her a concussion.  My moms excuse was well he was aiming for Shana's friend not for his sister.  Hello Laurel had a concussion!!!! My older sisters tell me that there was times that he would steal their money or ruin their records if he as in a pissy mood.  The few times we started to tell mom of the mistreatment my brother did she would defend his actions.  We did not tell her about the sexual abuse at that time.  The sexual abuse stopped by the time I was 8 or 9  I am not sure if it lasted 6 months or several years.  Sometimes I am grateful for things being blocked out of my memory.

When I was about 12 Shana got pregnant at 16 years old and had her first child.  5 months later my sister Anita at the age of 18 and had her first son.  Shana left the church at that point because of the way she was treated and the pressure she was under to place her baby for adoption.  My mom was very embarrassed that her 16 and 18 year old got pregnant when they were not married.

When I was in 7th grade, not long after both of my sisters had their first children, I told my friend about the abuse.  We were at a church activity and she encouraged me to tell my mom.  That night I told my mom.  She comforted me but was upset that I had told anyone.  She was worried that someone would find out and call the police and what would the other church members think?  Would they find out?  Besides even if it did happen it was in the past.  He wasn't molesting anyone right now.  I found out later that she did not believe me.  Yes that totally hurts, who would want to make something like that up?  I was 12 year old, a good student, and did not lie.  Unbeknown to me she called Shana and Anita together and told them that I had lied about my brother molesting me and she didn't know what to do.  Well, thank God for Shana and Anita because even though they did not know about Laurel and I being molested they stood up for me and admitted to my mom that our brother had molested them too.  They couldn't believe I was brave enough to tell mom.  I think it was naive not brave.  I was in for quite a year after this.

Well the friend that I told about the abuse told her mom.  That mom called the police.  Within days I was being interviewed at my school by police.  That was very traumatic.  When my brother was charged my mom bought him a lawyer.  My mom later got my sisters and I a lawyer too.  My mom asked us not to testify against my brother.  She told us he felt bad and it was in the past.  Why does it matter several years later?  At 12 years old I did not have the strength to fight against my family (mom and brother) and go against them.  My mom really did not apologize to me.  She said yes your brother admitted what he did but you should forgive him it is in the past.  When we went to court my brother was in handcuffs and my mom cried "My Baby".  I wanted to say "what about us"?  What about your daughters?  Aren't we worth something in your eyes?  Yes he did not molest the youngest daughter or his brother but what about the rest of us?  Since none of us would testify against my brother all charges were dismissed.  His reasoning for not touching my youngest sister is that she was too young.  Nice of him to have standards.

I felt worthless after that.  When you are sexually abused at a young age it does damage.  My moms reaction made it worse.  My dad sat down with me and apologized that his home had not been a refuge for his children.  That we were hurt so badly.  My dad cried with me.

My freshman year I started having sex and skipping school.   Is anyone really shocked about that? I switched to a continuation high school my sophomore year.  I still had very low self esteem.  I tried smoking a few times but I just never saw it as a cool thing.  I tried drinking 2 or 3 times too. That really wasn't for me either. I never tried any drugs those things scared the crap out of me.  At this continuation high school I did very well.  I didn't fit in the best though.  I have always looked like the girl next door, very innocent. Most of the kids at this school were more hardened and street smart.  I did make friends though.  I was very sad and didn't understand why my mom allowed my brother over to our house still.  I felt unloved and unworthy of love.  But my grades really improved here.  I started to get back a little self esteem.  I had started to go to counseling also.  I still chose very bad choices in boyfriends.  I allowed them to take advantage of me, I never learned how to say no.  At this high school I caught up on all of my freshmen credits.  I worked very hard going to summer school, night classes, and even Saturday school.  I graduated a year early too. But it was June right after my Sophomore year in high school that I ended up pregnant. 

The little bit of self esteem I had was lost when I found out I was pregnant.  I knew everyone would find out.  I couldn't cover this up. I couldn't hide.  I felt like a slut.  Who else would allow herself to get pregnant at 16? What would my mom think of me now?  I did lose friends, especially church friends.  They were no longer allowed to associate with me.  Friends I had known for most of my life, my best friends left me.  What were their parents thinking?  I look at it now and wonder did they think their daughters would catch the pregnancy disease?  Again when I needed support and love I was abandoned and on my own.  I was not kicked out.  But I was told not to tell any extended family members.   Adoption was voiced very loudly.  My own mother didn't think I could raise my child.  I fought the adoption idea for months.  I wanted my baby I wanted her more than anything.  Nobody seriously thought I could raise her.  I would be selfish to raise her.  No one helped me find a way.  My own parents never once said we will help you.  And then Alyssa's dad sent me a tape threatening to kidnap both my child and myself.  I just couldn't win.  I gave in at that point.   It felt like everything was working to take my child that I loved so much away from me.  I was told that this child was supposed to go to someone else, I was never meant to raise her.   I was just a vessel to carry her into this world. 
I had many friends that were pregnant at high school and they all were raising their children.  I felt like an outcast even with them.   LDSFS never showed me how I could raise my child they showed me all the reasons I could not.  What I did NOT have to support myself.  I was told that my child would be better off with out me.  I was told I would have other children I was meant to raise.  I was told no man would stay with me if I kept her.  She would never have a father.  I was told it was selfish to raise this child.   My self esteem was so low I actually believed what they told me.  If I knew then what I know now I would have raised her.  I got pregnant again a year and a half after placing Alyssa.  I was in no better position financially or emotionally to raise a child.  I just knew I couldn't place another child.  I hoped Alyssa wouldn't hate me for placing her and then having another child so soon after her.  I hoped she would find it in her heart to forgive me.

Parenting and how I grew up - Part 1

To understand adoption and how it fits in I have to explain how I was brought up....the good, the bad, the very ugly.  A lot of people might not want to read these 2 posts.  It deals with love and abuse.

I am child number 4 of 7 kids raised LDS.  I was born in New York and raised most of my life in California.  Over all my parents did a good job.  My dad has a way of making each of us 5 girls feel like we are his favorite daughter.  My dad cries over anything.  He is very in touch with his emotions and my mom is hard to read.  She is not cold but does not cry easy.  She has a way of being controlling, we call it anal retentive.  Things have to be done a certain way or she freaks out.  Several of us girls have that trait too.
I'm going to start my story when I was almost 4.  We had been in California for from June 1978 and this is the end of February 1979.  Mom found out she was having twins at 7 months pregnant just 3 hours before they did an emergency cesarean.  Mom had been admitted to the hospital for preterm labor.  They stopped the labor and were allowing her to stay overnight at the hospital.  As mom laid in the bed she thought she wet herself.  She was embarrassed and called the nurse since she was not allowed to get up by herself.  The nurse came in to help her change and that was when the nurse and my mom realized it was not urine but blood.  By the time they had performed the cesarean Mom lost 6 pints of blood from hemorrhaging before they could get the bleeding to stop and my sister lost about 2 pints of blood.  My brother though was totally fine. 

Mom came home a week later with 2 babies weighing 5 pounds each.  Not bad for twins born 2 months early.  A week after she came home she went back in the hospital because of pain in her chest and her lips and hands were turning blue.  She had full open heart surgery.  Blood clots had hit her heart and both lungs.  She was very sick for quite a while after that.  When the twins were born mom had an almost 2 year old, I was about 6 weeks away from turning 4, Shana was almost 8, Anita just turned 10, and Ray was 11 and a half.   Every winter since that surgery mom got very sick and was down for about 6 weeks  to several months with pneumonia.  It is still common almost 32 years later for her to get bronchitis or pneumonia every winter.  My little sister and I were sent to live with my aunt for a few months while mom recovered. 

My aunt lived about 5 to 6 hours away.  We knew who she was but we were not close with her up to that point.  I can still remember driving up her dirt road with Laurel, me, and my cousin Carmen (almost 3 years old) in the back seat of the jeep.  I was nervous but it was a new adventure.  I remember missing my family.  Even though I had my sister with me it was a whole new environment.   We had different rules, foods, and a very different environment.  My aunt lived in the country where my parents were in the city.  My aunt was and still is a neat freak.  My mom was not a neat freak at all.  After a few months and my mom getting healthier we were allowed to go back home.  I remember crying til I threw up because after arriving back home I didn't want my aunt to take me with her.  I wanted my mommy only.

My mom also found out within months of having the twins that she was diabetic.  I'm sure that was one of the worst years ever for her.  It has affected every aspect of her life but especially her parenting.  My sisters and I discuss what different parents we had.  There was mom with the older kids who was very forceful, stubborn, and would not let the kids get out of hand at all.  She used wooden spoons and belts as discipline.  Then the younger kids who mom was a lot more dismissive and did not follow through with consequences.  Even being grounded she would forget within a few hours.  Mom didn't really have a parenting style with each child but a set of rules for everyone.  We have all turned out to be very hard workers.  3 of the 7 kids own their own business.  Only one of my sisters ever finished college.  She got a law degree but after she had her own kids and the youngest started Kindergarten she stated college.  She graduated college when her oldest graduate high school.

As the twins got older and started Kindergarten  Mom went back to work.  Mom does not do things half way.  It wasn't long before mom was working more than 40 hours a week.  Often times she would work 60 hours a week and she continued this schedule until she was almost 60 years old. 

New baby adopted into the family

At the end of December I mentioned on my blog that my husbands aunt and uncle was looking into adopting a baby that was due in the beginning of February.  Well the baby was born on Wednesday and they took him home on Friday.  They are still on the 72 hour waiting period that the natural mom can change her mind. I know I should be excited for them.  I should be jumping for joy.  I feel loss, I feel sadness.  The natural mom has a 2 year old daughter.  Siblings are separated.  I hate that, I hate that another woman has the pain of being a natural mom.  I know what it is like the first Mothers day and every Mothers Day following that you do not have one of your children with you.  I know this mother has not raised her first child.  The daughter has been bounced around from family member to family member.  Even with all of that I still feel bad for her.  I still feel bad for this new baby.  I wish things could be different.  Now that I know about primal wound I can't imagine the pain this baby is feeling.  Does he want to hear his mothers voice and smell her?  Is he trying to figure what is going on?  Is he feeling a loss?  I was told that his first night in his new home was bad.  The type of formula was changed in the bottle and he was up most of the night crying.  They said he was very gassy but I wonder if it is more than that?

Other than with Alyssa all of my OBGYNs and pediatricians recommended skin to skin contact immediately after birth.  They all said breast feeding was best.  They told me that my child knew me by smell, taste, by my voice.  That my children were attached to me more than to anyone else.  Why are these things not true for adoptees?  Either babies know their mom or they don't.

It is not that I dislike Jer's Aunt and Uncle.  I love them so much.  They are my family, I trust them.  They are Alex's Godparents.  Jer and I have talked and even said if something happened to Jer and I he would want the kids to be raised by either Jer's parents or his aunt and uncle.  We knew that they had the capacity to love our children as their own.  They are amazing, loving, caring people.  My thoughts are not about them being bad parents, it is just that adoption starts with a loss. 

Jer's parents told me I should pray that this adoption goes through and the mother doesn't change her mind.  I just said I hope whatever is best for the baby will happen.  His parents tried to tell me, but you know Jer's aunt deserves to be a mom.  She deserves a baby.  She will make a great mom.  That was not the question.  I know they have tried for 20 years to become parents.  I know they have had their hearts broken because they couldn't have children on their own.  I know they have spent tons of money on infertility treatment.  Does one woman really deserve to be a mother above others?

I know I am seeing this from a natural moms point of view.  In adoption I see that there is pain.  There is loss, no one wants to be a natural  mom.  No one thinks when they grows up that they will lose a child to adoption.  Even for this baby there is loss.  Children do not want to be separated from their siblings.