19th birthday

Alyssa minutes old - not even fully cleaned up yet.

I finally got to hold her

Alyssa about 5 days old I was able to see her one last time before placement.

I was going to post a blog that was well thought out about mothers, our rights, and feelings but instead this is just going to be purely emotional. 

February 27 1992 at around 8:05pm, my first child was born.  She was the most beautiful person I had ever seen.  I could not fathom that she was my child, she was a miracle to say the least.  I loved her, I held her, I didn't want to let her go ever.  As soon as I could hold her I just cuddled with her, I counted her toes and fingers I made she she was healthy and she knew she was loved forever.  I barely let go of her for the next 3 days.

Alyssa turns 19 and we met in person 1 year ago....finally!  I thought her birthdays would become easier once reunion came but they are not.  It is not harder but than before but the pain and sadness are still here.  We are still separated by 800 miles.  She still feels the pain of being adopted.  We still missed out on years of being mother and daughter.  She still and always will feel pulled between both families.  Who rationally would choose that for their child for eternity?  Being pulled between both families natural and adopted, never feeling like you fully belong.  She still has issues because she was separated from me at birth.  And worse she is now a natural mom with no rights to her son.  Can you imagine a worse punishment in this world than being both an adoptee and a natural mom?

She sent me a text today and I hope she doesn't mind me sharing it.  "I've been so irritable and everything.  Today is really hard for me because I know 19 years ago you were still holding me I miss you so much"  Adoption the gift that keeps on giving.

Adoption loss and redemption

For so many years I have basically felt alone on this road of losing a child to adoption.  Adoption is not normal or natural.  After a very short time I closed down my feelings because so many people did not get it or understand.  I was not ready to educate people about adoption, besides I was in the adoption unicorn and rainbows land even though I felt the loss.   I felt like I was doing my daughter a favor by giving her more.  I was often told by well meaning people "what a great sacrifice", what a selfless act",  "you made a couple so happy", "don't worry you will meet your daughter again", or "you should just forget about it"or even better "you will have more children".  There have been people in my own family that never fully understood the loss that adoption is.  They would hold me and try to comfort me but never seemed to truly understand what sadness it is to lose your child to adoption.  The depth of sorrow is unimaginable.

It wasn't until Alyssa lost Owen that they are realizing that it is a major irrevocable loss.  It is like reliving it all over again but seeing it from a totally different perspective.  My family didn't realize that adoption loss stays with a mother forever.  Mother's move on and carry on with their life but that horrible loss changes them. The pain is hidden but stays with them.   After meeting Alyssa they realize that she does and always has belonged in our family.  She is so much like us in looks and personality.  She is like a missing piece to our puzzle.  They realize she has hurt directly related to being adopted. It is not about having good, bad, great, awful adoptive parents.

Now with Owen being adopted it is a loss.  It is relived and more intense for us because we know what is going on, we are no longer blinded by flowery words.  We know the pain we have and continue to live it.  But more of my family are coming out of the fog with the realization that adoption is not a great option.  Adoption does not make a forever family and the child is not born in some one's heart.  Every child is born into a family.  Every child has a mother and a father.   Adoption creates loss not only for the mother but the child also.  Seriously I don't know why that fact never occurred to us when I had Alyssa. Looking back I see we were to far into the fog to realize the truth.

I knew the loss for me but I never knew she would have a loss from losing me, her mother.  It wasn't until I listened to her that I realized that she had a very deep loss. It is interesting to see my family finally come out of the adoption fog after almost 2 decades.  It is absolutely shocking to say the least.  They have not said you should not have placed her and we are sorry you did.  But it is very close to that.  I know they worry about her adoptive parents and their feelings.  They don't want to overstep their boundaries.  They realize for better or worse Alyssa has 2 real families. They realize that Owen has 2 families.  I think they are realizing that it is best to keep children when ever possible with their mothers, to support mothers.  The loss that both the mother and child feels is great and will last a life time. 

I think that is why I get so caught up in adoptee rights as much as I get caught up in rights for mothers.  I can not change the past but I need to fight for my daughter, for my grandson, and for my daughter's adopted sister (the other child that was adopted by Alyssa's adoptive parents).  Until they have every right to have free and open access to their pasts, their heritage, their ancestors,  their natural family, their medical information, and their birth certificates I will continue for them.  I can not go out to San Antonio this year but come 2012 I want to be there. I hope I will have Alyssa and my friend Melynda beside me in San Antonio.

 I want to help other mother's to not feel pressured and coerced into adoption.  I will continue on for them.  Even the mothers and adoptees that are still in the fog I will fight for them.  As long as one mother feels coerced or pressured to place that is one mother too many.  One mother that realized after signing away her rights that just hours later that she regrets it is one mother too many.    Every mother that has tried to get her child back days after signing and told that it is too late is one too many mothers.  Every single mother that is lied to about the adoption or told half truths is one too many.  I as a mother of loss, as a mother of an adoptee will fight for equal access and rights for every person.

Alyssa

Alyssa is the hardest for me to write about partly because she reads my blog and because I did not raise her.   I know if I say anything slightly negative I will get the response of "You refused to raise her so you can't say anything"  Or If I put anything positive about her I will get "See she was better off without you" .  I feel as if I am in a catch 22. 

I can't base my opinion of Alyssa on the letters we wrote because everything had to be superficial and sugar coated.  I can base my thinking of her only in what I have seen in person.  Only on the beautiful person I know today.

I have seen Alyssa mature and grow so much this last year.  When we finally met in person, after being separated 17 years and 51weeks,  almost exactly a year ago she was talkative and outgoing.  We talked about everything.  I could see there was part of her that wanted to be loved and accepted but she wouldn't let people in too close.  She had a wall up, she would only let me in so far.  She pretended everything was great and happy but there was a sadness and need in her eyes.  She tried to be the life of the party and entertain everyone but once you got past that there was a hurt and wounded young woman.  She needed someone to accept her for who she was without their own needs and wants being in the way.  She needed someone to believe that she was enough as she was.  She didn't need to change and be different than herself, who she was meant to be.

 I just wanted to hold her and stroke her hair but she barely wanted a hug at the time. She was loving and outgoing too.  She seemed to want to be free of a lot of things.  She wanted to explore this world.   She had so much hurt in her life she seemed to be waiting for the next person to knock her down.  So often I would text her or talk to her and if it was an emotional subject she would cut me off.  She seemed afraid of her feelings and afraid I would hurt her again too.  She allowed others to knock her down emotionally.  She very rarely stood up for herself, but she is fiercely protective of those she loves and counts as her family.  As I had told her at one time that I need to teach her to grow some balls.  It was not okay to allow people to walk all over you and control you.  I loved her too much to watch these things happen to her.  I have watched as the people around her that profess to love her kick her while she is down.  She always makes an excuse for them when it is happening.

There has been so many times lately where she has told me of things that have happened in this last year to her.  I have asked why didn't you tell me when it was going on.  She would just say oh I didn't want to upset you or I knew you would be angry at this person.  These were things that were not minor but pretty major, things that other people did to intentionally hurt her and lower her self esteem. 

Alyssa works in a home for the mentally disabled full time and she does night shifts at least once a week too.  I know I could not easily work there I just do not have the patience.  I have seen her with the people that she works for and she is so loving and gentle.  She even worked there most of her pregnancy until she was put on bed rest.  This is a woman that was made to feel that she did not have the skills to raise her own child but she can take care of the mentally and physically handicapped on a daily basis.  Those things are so contradictory to me.  People that should have built her up have torn her down.

I also found out that I can not text or talk on the phone about deep emotional things with her.  She needs to see that the reason I am saying things is because I love her.  That is also the only way she opens up is when she is looking at someone in the eye.  She needs to know that she is protected and loved.  She needs to know that she is important to you. 

Sh is the type of person that would give you the shirt off of her back.  She always tries to make sure everyone else is comfortable and doing okay.  She would rather suffer than allow anyone else to. 

She is smart and so easy going.  She really doesn't have a mean streak in her body unless you mess with the ones she loves.  In these last 6 months I have seen her mature and learn to love herself.  She is starting to speak up for herself and realize that her opinions are okay and wanted.  She still does not intentionally try to hurt anyone.  She realizes what she wants in life and she is starting to go after those goals.  She has cut out a lot of people out that are hurtful to her.  I m so proud of her not just because she is my daughter but because the amazing smart beautiful woman that she is.

Alyssa was about 2 days old and my sister and was visiting me with her 2 kids. 

We thought this was one of  the last time Shana or I would ever see Alyssa again.

Alyssa holding Owen at a visit.

Alyssa having a friend take a picture of her

Alyssa and I in Tahoe  - mom and daughter finally back together.

Alyssa's new post

I was just reading my daughters latest post.  She was pouring out her heart with the good and bad in her life.  As alot of us do she was saying things that are so hard to say in the normal world.  Things that we need to get out of our system. Our hurt and pain that others try to minimize. Below is her post and then after that is some mans "encouraging" comments.  Oh he got my blood boiling.  He uses nice words but still tries to tear her down.  He came acrossed, atleast to me,  as to say if you just closed your legs in the first place you wouldn't be in this situation and your son is better off without you. 


"I cannot help but to think of the song "Hello I'm in delaware" by city and colour whenever I am in my car driving. I also can't help but to think of Owen and where I would be if I kept him. He is constantly on my mind and in my heart. I can't stop thinking of him, I can't stop loving him. Hello I'm in Delaware
I feel like I am standing still waiting for him to come back to me but I know he won't. At least not for another 18 years. I was surrounded by people who were pressuring me to place, including my asshole boyfriend at the time. He would say things such as "I am not helping you raise an angry exboyfriend's child". I felt like I had to place, I felt like I had no choice. The people who raised me weren't supportive of keeping either. I just didn't know I could do it on my own with so many people against it. The people I thought truly loved me couldn't comprehend loving my son. I've moved out and on since then, I've learned to forgive. I am living with my best friend Kristen, her boyfriend and mine which is Kristen's boyfriend's step brother. They help me through the hard times when no one could when I lived with my adoptive parents. The other day, the adoptive couple sent me a photo of Owen, Ian was over my shoulder when I was opening the text message and I looked at him and he had the biggest smile on his face. He did the same thing when I wrote on my calendar that I get to see Owen on the 24th. Where was this man a year ago? I ask myself that everyday. He told me he would have still been with me even if I kept Owen and that he would be his dad. What 19 year old would be willing to take on that responsibility and say something as powerful as that? The last guy I was serious was 10 years older than him and he still never would say anything like that. He told me it would have ended if I kept Owen. He told me everytime I came back upon seeing Owen I shouldnt anymore. How could someone be so cruel? Yes, it is hard seeing someone call my son their own but he is still my son. He always has been, he always will be. He plays a huge role in my life and my decisions. It is incredible being with someone who loves Owen like his own. It is the best when I catch Ian looking through photos of Owen and asking about him.

There is nothing more falsified than an ammended birth certificate. There is also nothing more corrupt than purchasing a human life to build a "family". Owen will always be part of my family. Owen is my family. I love more than I ever could have imagined possible and it is the most amazing thing in the world.

Now a little bit about Ian. Love at first sight? This could be very possible. I met him through Kristen and Brandon. The first day he met me he told me I am 100% his type of girl. On January 26th after his birthday festivities with my family were over, we were laying in bed talking. He said he has something he wants to tell me and I said what is it? and he said he should wait until the morning. Of course, me being Anderson cannot wait for things so I got it out of him. He told me "I am in love with you". He means it, you can see it in his eyes and see it how he treats me. I feel the same for him. He is the kind of guy I have always wanted but never had and I love every minute I spend with him."

His comments were

"And this, my dear Kara, is why you wait to be intimate until AFTER you find and marry your Ian.

You call it corrupt that a committed couple is willing to take Owen as their own? and provide Owen the loving environment he deserves? that you were unwilling to wait until you were ready to fully provide?

You say you felt like you had to place Owen - and you were right to do so. As soon as you have sex you invite a life and if one comes, your own life, your own wants become secondary. I think "the people who raised" you and the others you "thought truly loved" you really do love you and comprehend your feelings for Owen. All too well. They're parents too and they know what goes into raising a child.

Don't confuse their refusal to place your wants above a helpless infant's needs as a lack of love on their part. Learn from this experience. Let Ian court you properly and then, when married, welcome Owen's brothers and sisters into a loving, nourishing home capable of providing emotionally, physically, spiritually all that a child needs.

Another "most amazing thing in the world" is that you will love each of your children just as much. It's unbelievable how you feel your heart will burst with one and then you find you have the capacity to love each one that much!

God is good, He loves you, and you can have many more things you never "could have imagined possible" if you'll follow His outline for happiness.

Bro. Arnell "

 

Cassie

I honestly never thought I would be given a chance to raise another daughter.  It is very scary to me to raise a daughter after placing Alyssa.  I am afraid of messing up with her.  What if I am not good enough for her just like I was with Alyssa.  Those thoughts have gone through my head so many times.

 I do love Cas so much.  She can be challenging at times but she is also amazing and so smart.  We can just talk for hours about the things she wants to do and what is going on with school and friends.  She is protective over her friends.  Her life is revolving more and more around friendships than family.  I feel her starting to pull away at times and that is okay.  It won't be long before she is on her own.  She needs the confidence to make good decisions and rely on herself.  She also needs her family to be able to be there for her to help pick up the pieces.  I know the next few years can be difficult emotionally for her and my job as her mother is to love her and help her through.

 The one thing Cassie has taught me more than anything else is patience.  She is very strong willed.  She is at the point in her life that she is starting to trust herself.  She is building self confidence, she is realizing her choices are hers alone.  She has always dressed herself since she was about 2 years old.  Some of those outfit combinations were horrendous.  I had wondered where her fashion taste comes from.  She is starting to pull clothes together that look cute and age appropriate.   Age appropriate can be very hard at 12 years old.

Cassie's opinions are ALWAYS changing.  One day her favorite food will be spaghetti and the next day she will hate it.  She tells me that was yesterday mom can't you keep up.  Because of her age her emotions are everywhere. Even her favorite color changes on a daily basis.  I often remind myself this too shall pass.  She will only be 12 once in her life.  She has discovered boys but realizes that friends are more important than any boy. 

She is taking dance and viola.  She absolutely loves the viola and likes dance but she isn't sure how far she will go with dance.  She has talked about going into the fashion industry when she is older.  She loves to design clothes and is big into make up,  hair, and fashion.  She has a bit of a shoe obsession too just like me.

Cassie loves family game night which we try to do at least once a week.  Currently the game of choice is Uno Attack.  She loves spending time with her older cousins too.  She does think our family is weird because we cook dinner every night,  we sit at the table together, and we talk to each other while we eat dinner.  Oh the horrors!

Kenny and Cassie are each others best friends and worst enemy. They are so close in age but Kenny tries to be the older protective brother.  Cassie finds that trait annoying.  They love each other to death but also know each others buttons to push that will annoy the other.   Kenny has tried to intimidate guys that like Cassie but I had to put a stop to that.   It is not cool for a freshman to threaten a 7th grader for looking at his sister. 

We are working on Cassie controlling her anger and she now goes to her room to calm down when she is upset.  She does yell and scream as she goes into her room and she does have to put quarters in the jar for each thing she says that is disrespectful to a family member. As long as I stay calm she calms down very fast.   I will post about the money jar later.

Cassie lets me know when she needs to talk and when she needs to cuddle. She wants more alone time with me than the boys ever did.  She claims to hate hiking but once we start and hike about a mile she is positive and happy.  She loves to be in nature but hates to admit that to anyone.  One of her favorite things is the beach.  She can sit on the sand and just watch the ocean for hours.  We try to go to the beach at least 5 times between May and September.  Every few weeks we try to do something as a family.  We have done Nerf fight at the park with my sisters family.  Beaches and hiking are always fun.  We haven't gone in a while but Cas loves going to the Monterey Bay Aquarium or visiting Pier 39. 

She can be so feisty one minute then gentle and loving the next minute.  I love that she is my daughter.  I love our time alone that we can just talk.  I love her smile and silly laugh.  I even love when she comes in my room in the mornings and cuddles.

Kenny

Kenny is very different than Alex.  I swear he has the Irish temper.  He is as stubborn as anyone I know.  He has been that way since the moment I found out I was pregnant.  I had problems with the pregnancy since before I found I was carrying him.  I bleed through out the pregnancy and started having contractions at around 2 months.  My first OBGYN appt with him I was told that I will probably lose "it" soon since this pregnancy did not look viable.  That doctor didn't realize how strong lil Ken was.  He was determined to be in this world.  I was on and off bed rest up until 37 weeks pregnant.  He was born after 2 and a half  hours of labor. He was perfect in every way but he did have the biggest rib cage I had ever seen on a baby.  He was only 8 pounds 6 ounces but with that rib cage he looked so much bigger.  He was an easy baby.  Well he was easy once I realized that me eating chocolate was bad if I nursed him.  For some reason that gave him painful gas. 

Once he hit a year old and I stopped nursing him we found he had an allergy to milk.  Ken finally got over most of the milk allergy by 3 years old.  His first real words were die thanks to my sister.  Every time she saw him she would play with him and say "die die die"  he thought it was hilarious and she was the funniest thing ever so of course he would mock her and say "die" back..  Well she now has kids so we can get a little revenge. 

He made me become a very different parent.  His needs, desires, and actions were completely opposite of Alex.  If you were a fly on the wall at my house you might think I am dismissive towards Ken's actions.  With Kenny I have found when he is angry he needs space.  There is no point arguing with him when he is angry because he can't listen.  It is not that he doesn't want to but he literally can't make sense of what you are saying.  His emotions are too out of control.  His walls go up and no one can break them down.  If I get angry when he is then it is just a war for control.  Neither of us will win and both of us will be unreasonable.  So for me I just stay calm and ride the tide.  I don't allow Ken to hurt other people I allow him to go in his room or my room and have space.

Ken goes to his room listens to music and I will ask if he is ready to talk.  It needs to be his decision, he needs to feel that he has control over himself and he is ready.  Usually within an hour everything is totally solved and life is back to normal.  He has even learned when he has calmed down he will text me and ask if we can talk.  Sometimes he cries as I hold him because the anger has passed and he is overwhelmed by his real emotions.  We have taught him that crying especially for boys is okay.  It is okay to feel those emotions.  When he really needs a hug is when he pushes me away the most.  If I hug him and he is not ready that will be another control struggle.  I always tell him that I love him and when he is ready to talk let me know.  The reason he will text me is because he doesn't want anyone to know that he needs someone.  When he text me I discreetly go in my room and he will follow me from his room.  That way he thinks no one knows that he is hurt. He doesn't think 14 year olds should need their mommy. But we all know teenagers need their mom just as much if not more than babies do.  Their needs to be met may be different than babies but they need their moms emotional support and love.

Kenny really is a great person.  He always helps with younger kids and makes them feel special.  He sticks up for the underdog.  He does not allow others to push him around.  Everything has came easy to him.  All through elementary he never had to try in school really.  Alex would spend 2 hours a night doing homework and Ken would have the same thing done in 10 minutes.  Kenny has always made friends so easy too.  Wherever he goes he meets some one knew.  Kenny has the athletic ability in the family.  There has rarely been a sport that he has tried that he doesn't do great at.  He is so strong willed that sometimes he would rather be right  than think how his actions affects others. 

Kenny is the most sensitive of all my kids and things hurt him so deeply.  He pretends that they don't but they really do.  When he sees things that are unjust he has to act.  He doesn't know how to walk away.  That trait is so good that I don't want to smother it.  It is a good thing to see the injustices in the world and try to fight them but you can't fight all the battles at once.  He definitely gets this particular trail from his Aunt Laurel she has always fought for the underling, the least powerful. 

Kenny plays viola and loves it.  He has been playing for 3 years and wants to start tutoring other kids this summer.  He has goals and plans.  He sets out goals for himself and accomplishes them.  This he gets from Grandpa C who is a successful businessman.  Ken is also in Boy Scouts and loves it especially the adventures of camping and hiking.  Ken was in karate until recently and he really loved that too.  Kenny has to do something after school every day.  He can not handle just being in the house.  Most days he either runs or rides his bike after school.  He has so much energy he needs to get it out.  He really is such a good kid.  he is super competitive in all things.  Oh he definitely gets that from me.  I hate to admit it but I do get very competitive.

Both pictures are of Kenny from several years ago.  In this picture he is playing with his younger cousin.

Alex

Now that you have a little back ground on my upbringing I want to talk about my kids and raising them.  I have found that I have put pressure on my self and by others to prove my motherhood.  To prove that I am good enough to raise my other children.  And being in California and the Bay Area there are an overwhelming amount of older moms.  The moms that put there careers and college first.  I have often times felt like I needed to be twice the parent to prove I am equal to them and not just a perpetual teenage mom.

 I was not able to give my children the material things as these woman have but I could give my children myself and be the best mother that each of them need.  The schools that we chose to put my kids in have been high achieving in very well off neighborhoods.  There are a lot of stay at home moms or moms that work at home that have at least 1 nanny especially when the kids are young.  When my kids started at their new school they were in 5th grade, 4th grade, and 2nd grade.  After they were at this school for a few months I was picking them up after school one day and let them play for a few minutes.  There was another mom letting her children do the same thing.  I was asked by this older "awesome" mom if I was the nanny.    I was responded no I am the mom.  She then looked at me and asked if all 3 of my kids had the same dad.  OK I had a very bitchy moment.  I just looked at her and said I'm not sure the DNA test isn't back yet.  I hurried and got my kids gathered up and left the school.  I couldn't believe the balls that woman had.  I am often mistaken for my children's sister but dang that comment was  just rude.

Onto my oldest child I raised who is 16 almost 17 right now.  I have always been told how hard teenagers are and they are so difficult to raise.  I was actually terrified of this stage.  But I am raising 3 teenagers and I love it.  I love to see them form their own opinions separate from mine.  I love their independence.  I love that they try so hard to break free from me and the rules but then five minutes later come back for a mom hug.  I see teenagers as just another stage now, not a stage to be feared.  I have also learned from my parents mistakes, but don't we all.  I am no wher close to perfect but I try to be the mom that they need.

I have realized our children do not turn into monsters when they hit a certain age.  They are the same people we brought home from the hospital. The same people that we have raised for years. They have shown us glimpses through out their childhood of what they want to do and how independent they want to be.  As a parent I need to be in tuned to them so they can guide me to be the best mom for each child individually.  All of my kids are very different personality wise.  As they become teenagers we need to allow them to become independent but still be there when they need us.  That means allowing them to fall down or make mistakes but be the helping hand to lift them up again.  I need to be able to drop everything in a heartbeat if they need me and most often they just need someone to listen to them right NOW. 

After watching my older now adult nieces I see that I will be doing this for many years.   I have seen my nieces even though they are 23 and 21 they still need their moms to listen to them without judgement.  They still need to be able to return home and find that peace of mind and strength from their mothers. It isn't uncommon for my oldest niece to text me in the middle of the night because she just needs to vent and feel loved without judgement.  That is why I keep my cell phone beside my bed.  Well also because Alyssa also calls me at all hours when she is having a hard time and I want to make sure I am their for her too.

Alex  is very calm and mellow.  He likes to watch and observe before he interacts.  He does everything very cautiously.  It takes him a while to warm up to people.   I have to listen to him for a long time to get his opinion.  Even what he wants for dinner or what he wants to do for the weekend will be a half hour discussion.  He usually says I don't care or whatever. I have to give him options of what we can do.   He is starting in just the last 6 months to just ask for things like can he meet his girlfriend at the mall.  He is always worried about how his decisions will affect others.  My hardest part with raising him is helping him figure out what he wants and then find a way to get it. I have to let him know that his needs are important too.  I still have to teach him that his desires and wants are okay.  I could very easily step over boundaries with him because he is so easy going.  It would be too easy to say hey we want to do this and he would go along with it not because he wants to but just because he doesn't want to cause problems.  I try to make sure that the things we do as a family he will enjoy and he wants to do.

 Alex has dyslexia and and mild auditory processing problems.  He was diagnosed at the end of first grade and has had help overcoming these things from 1st grade through the first semester of 10th grade.  He has now been released and has no special classes.  With his auditory processing issues it takes longer for him to process information.  He needs extra time on tests and reading books.  One psychologist told us after he did hours of studies with Alex was that Alex will never be on Jeopardy because he is not fast enough with his responses but he has the ability to be the next Einstein.  Alex correctly answered questions on the given tests that only 2 other older teenagers answered in 12 years that this man had been in practice.  Alex was in 8th grade at the time.

 When I have gone in to IEP meetings with his teachers I always hear what a great easy going kid Alex is.  How they would like more students like Alex.  Alex works hard and does not fool around in classes.  Alex is not Mr. Popular, he is not very athletic (just like his mom).  He does great at track and field but he does not enjoy it.  We have him in Boy Scouts and have had him in Karate until recently.  Karate has helped with his self esteem.  He does not always love Boy Scouts but he is in a leader position so he said he will stay in for a few more months.  I know Alex's friends I talk to a lot of them at least once a week if not more.  They often come to me for advice or just for some one to listen to them.  Someone to acknowledge that they are important.

The more I interact with Alex and his friends the more that I see that teenagers need adults in their life.  Teenagers are not scary thugs that are all on drugs and running away.  Teenagers are in so many ways easy.  They just want to be acknowledged and loved for being themselves.  They want a safe place to express themselves.  They want there ideas to be heard without being put down.  How hard is that?

Alex has had the same girlfriend, it is actually his first girlfriend, for over a year now.  She is not your typical blond hair blue eyed cheerleader beauty.  She has deep brown eyes and long brown hair.  She is Mexican.  She is  a bit on the chubby side too.  She has a lot of self esteem problems.  She does not get great grades and she feels inferior because of that.  We have had many talks together I have tried to get her to see her talents.  She sings amazingly, she can dance, she can act.  She has a hard time with academics, but her brain is geared towards the arts.  We have talked about how important school is and she will need decent grades but maybe her ultimate goals need to have music involved in it.  She just needs more adults in her life that acknowledge that she is worth their time and energy.  On so many levels I really like her.  She is kind and considerate of others.  She wants to fit in and sometimes has a hard time with that.  I see her potential and it is very limitless, I just wish she could see herself through my eyes.

I have talked to both of them individually and together about waiting to have sex that they don't want to regret their first time but if you are going to have sex use 2 forms of birth control with one always being a condom.  I have told them it is not the baby to worry about, all though that is hard, but you don't want a disease.

Both Natasha's parents and Jer and I are very careful that the couple is never left alone.  They are not allowed to go to her house after school if no one is home.  They can not be at either house without parents.  Right now that is very easy to monitor because neither has a license.

We might hit a few hard spots in the future but we are a year and 2 months away from Alex being a legal adult.  His grades are amazing he had a 3.3 grade point average last semester with 7 classes and he is looking at taking honor classes next year in Science, Math, and World Geography.  Alex loves all kinds of Mythology and Anime. He hasn't decided what he is going to do when he grows up but he is on a good path.