August 28 - Kens 14th birthday and owens 1 month birthday

Yesterday and today have been a bit rough emotionally.  I have dealt with the heartache and loss of adoption after placing Alyssa.  But it is so much harder in so many ways having Alyssa place her first child for adoption.  When I placed her I was naive as all birthmoms are about the emotional challenges of adoption.  But to know the emotions that have to be dealt with not just myself, but Alyssa, and my other kids is somedays overwhelming.  It is hard to keep the tears from coming.  To try to be strong enough for all of my kids.  I need them to know that they can rely on me no matter what happens.

I have my almost 5 year old nephew and 2 year old nephew for the weekend.  As I watch them play and was with them yesterday I felt so empty.  I love these two little boys like they are my own, but to know I will never have the relationship with Owen, my first grandchild, that I do with them is heartbreaking.  I will never get to babysit him over night when his parents need a weekend away.  Owen will never come to my house for the night and I won't get to spoil him like I do my nieces and nephews.   He won't come to me when he needs love and guidance.  I will never be able to just drop by and hang out and watch him grow.  I know Owen has an open adoption and his adoptive mom said we can come by anytime, but they do live 12 hours away.  It's different watching a stranger raise your grandchild than your own child.  What is my role in this relationship? 

When my niece Cheri turned 18, Alyssa was almost 14.  We all had dinner together as a family at a restraunt to9 celebrate Cheri becoming an adult.,  I think there was atleast 20 of us.  I was so happy to celebrate my nieces birthday but at the same time I remember feeling empty.  I wanted Alyssa there with us.  I wanted her to be celebrating with us, I wanted her to know our family and love them as much as I do.   Also I was thinking that I would never celebrate Alyssa's 18th birthday with her, I would never see all of the major milestones in her life.  I didn't know if she would ever forgive me for placing her, for abandoning her.    Shana, Cheri's mom, also got pregnant at 16, but she kept Cheri.  Our circumstances were the same but are decisions were very different.  I was thinking how much it hurt to not have Alyssa, I just wanted to go back in time.  I wanted to know my daughter as all mom's should know their children.  I wanted to be there for the small and large things in her life.

Today Kenny is 14 years old.  I am so happy to have him, he is one of the most beautiful boys ever created.  Well maybe I am a bit biased.  He now has dark brown hair, tan skin, and huge deep blue eyes with the longest, darkest eyelashes ever.  His eyes can make any woman jealous.  He will be a heartbreaker.  His eyelashes are so long he wants to cut them with scissors.  I definately am not allowing scissors that close to his eyes.  He is finally going through a growth spirt.  He has always been thin and muscular but now he is getting tall too.  He is extremely outgoing and always been a natural athlete.  He is also my most sensitive child.  Even as a teenage boy he can play for hours with his little cousins.  He tells me that he needs to be a good example for them.  Can I really ask for anything better than that?

Owen is 1 month old today, too.  He was born about a month early on July 28th.  He was born at 5 pounds 1 ounce and spent a week and a half in 2 hospitals.  He was the smallest baby I ever remember holding.  But he was perfect in every way.  When I saw Alyssa holding him I knew both of our lives were complete.  I don't want to ever forget that image. She is a natural mom.  As soon as he was born , she also knew she had been forever changed.  I tried with everything I could to convince her to keep.  I talked with her before he was born and after he was born.  I loved her too much to watch her go through with this heartache that I have been through.

 I couldn't believe that there were so many people telling her that the best thing for her and Owen was to place him for adoption.  If these people truly knew the emotions of a birthmom they would never have had pushed her for adoption.  Yes parenting as a single mom is hard.  But adoption is so much harder.  Either way you will be tied to the biological father forever.   I told Alyssa her and Owen could live with Jer and I for as long as she needed.  We are family after all.  But I also knew if she did that she would leave everything and everyone she knew.  That was a very hard decision for her to make.  She also knew she had promised her child to a couple and they had become her closest friends.  I think she loved then as family.  She didn't want to put them through so much pain either.  After Owen was 48 hours old she signed the papers.  She had about 10 hours of sleep in 3 days and barely ate anything in that time.  Her son was in the NICU, but the adoption agency thought she was in a good enough state of mind to sign the papers to terminate her parenting rights. 

The next day,  after she was released from the hospital she made a last minute trip from Utah to Southern California.  I think she was running away from her emotions and decisions that were just made.  Most woman that had a baby less than 3 days previous,  have stitches, and their milk is coming in don't think it's a great time to travel 600 miles one way.  It's obvious that she was in a great state of mind to sign away her parental rights, right?. I'm still upset that the agency didn't give her space.  They came to check in on her several times a day while she was in  the hospital to make sure she was still going to sign.  They even suggested that she didn't put the father on the birth certificate.  With how the adoption laws are it will be hard enough for Owen to get his hands on his original birth certificate.  Owen needs to know for himself who he is biologically related to.  Why would anyone in the adoption field tell a mother to not put the father on the birth certificate?

I am hoping tomorrow will be better, but right now I am just missing Owen alot.