Back to the beginning

Well lets see I'm not sure quite where to start.  I am a married mom of 3 or 4 kids.  That's a tough question.  I have had 4 kids but I placed my oldest daughter for adoption when she was just days old.  I have raised with my husband the other kids.  Their ages are 18,16,13, and 12. 

My blog is going to be about my adoption journey as a birthmother and now a birthgrandmother.  I hate the word "birthmother".  Like I only gave birth to her and walked away.  I have always loved her and I always will.  I love her the same as my other kids that I raised.  I had hoped by placing her for adoption I could give her 2 loving parents and a stable home. 

There was alot I did not know or understand about adoption when I placed her.  Alot of things know one explained to me.  I was always told that it would become easier.  That time heals wounds.  18 years later I am waiting for that time to come.  I'm waiting for when I stop missing my daughter so much.  I'm waiting for when the wounds will heal.  I know I have been told many times to just move on.  I did the best thing for her and now walk away.  Walk away??? Walk away from my child.   My flesh and blood?  My daughter that not only looks like me, acts like me, but even laughs like me.  Just walk away, I can't do that at all.  I love her unconditionally, my Alyssa.

So many times I have been heartbroken by adoption.  I chose her adoptive parents by a letter they wrote that told about themselves.  18 years ago birthmothers were not "good enough" to meet the couple they placed their child with.  I never knew their names or even what town they lived in.  I never even saw a picture of them.  What kind of agency thinks it is okay to NOT let a mother meet the couple that will raise her child?  Why was I not good enough to meet them?  Why didn't they want a relationship with me?  What is wrong with me? All of these questions and still no answer. 

I was due February 22, 1992.  My daughter was born on February 27, 1992.  65 hours of labor  2 hours of pushing I had a beutiful 7 pound 15 ounce baby girl.  I was beyond exhausted.  I wasn't sure while I was in labor if I even wanted to hold her.  It's not that I didn't love her.  I did!  I was afraid if I held her and saw her I couldn't let her go.  But damn after almost 3 full days of labor all I wanted to do was hold her.  I wanted her to know that she has always been loved.  I wanted to treasure my little time that I had with just her.  I didn't know if I would ever see her again.  Once I held her I didn't want to let her go, though.  How could I possibly place my daughter for adoption?  I held her and cried and loved her and held my little baby more.  I was in the hospital for 3 days recovering from the delivery.  The last day was so hard.  I had family and friends come see me and my daughter.  I did want to share her with my family but I also just wanted time to be her mom.  Time to talk with her and maybe in her heart she would know how much she is loved.  I knew she would never remember me.  But I also knew I would never forget her.  I knew I wanted to watch her grow.  I wanted to raise her more than anything in my life. 

As I lay in the bed wrestling with my decision before I checked out of the hospital.  I thought of so many things.  It didn't matter to me any longer if she had two parents to raise her.  I didn't care if we had a "white picket fence" home.  I wanted to bring Alyssa home.  I was so scared that she would follow my example and get pregnant young.  You always hear "oh well people saty you know why she turned out so bad look at her parents.  Single tennage mom, blah blah blah. I decided I would rather give her up and live with that decision than ever have her wrestle with the decision of placing her own child for adoption.  I thought I made a pact with God that she would never have to go through with a decision like this if I went through it.

Through my tears I asked my dad for guidance, and he said through his tears you know you need to let her go.  I felt like I lost my last support system.  My daddy was supposed to say "let us help you raise her, this was just a test."  I walked away never knowing if I would see my daughter again in this lifetime.

This was one of the two hardest things I have ever dealt with in my life.  The only thing harder was having Alyssa ,the daughter I placed for adoption, place her first child ,Owen, for adoption.  But that is for a future story.

Do I still think the best thing was to place my child for adoption? Absolutely not!  Yes I was a single mother and only 16 years old, but I still think I could have raised her well. There isn't a time machine yet so I have to live with my decisions.